tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post9150179699896747425..comments2023-10-17T05:01:42.650-04:00Comments on Abandoning Eden: Intermission: So I AM invited home? Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-74141690692660418662013-01-02T18:47:07.656-05:002013-01-02T18:47:07.656-05:00This is my first time posting here. Have enjoyed (...This is my first time posting here. Have enjoyed (is that the right word? It's so painful . . .) reading your OTD story. I want to write more but first, in relation to this post, email him and ask him to confirm that he received your email. Tell him you will accept that perhaps he does not want to respond or does not know how to respond, whatever, but that you just want to make sure he got it. It does happen that sometimes emails or phone messages never arrive at their destination. It has happened to me before, and I fretted over what it meant to be ignored by my recipient, only to learn that my email went into a spam file or something. This is so important, I would want to KNOW whether I'm being ignored or whether the email was never even received. Chances are, he got it and just doesn't know what to say. Your parents may well be grappling with their own beliefs, have their own doubts, wondering whether following "halacha" as they've always known it is really worth the pain of losing their daughter, and now, grandchildren. Unlike you, they probably have no one to encourage them to think outside the frum box. Good luck, and wishing you healing surrounding this issue. batyahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01721614123466687470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-54950025519605961982013-01-01T19:02:57.541-05:002013-01-01T19:02:57.541-05:00I have a relative who has a vacation home near me,...I have a relative who has a vacation home near me, but never invites me over to visit when they're there. Other relatives mentioned this, and I got the vague message that I should call them and invite myself (I don't have their number, and I don't do that.) But somehow me not getting invited is put back on me for...not being invited?LBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15645948045234804487noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-84764909031262169762012-12-30T04:45:50.576-05:002012-12-30T04:45:50.576-05:00Yeah well he never wrote back! And he's sent m...Yeah well he never wrote back! And he's sent me like 3 other emails about other stuff since I sent him this...so I don't know. Abandoning Edenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-28138591501988121192012-12-29T23:45:02.115-05:002012-12-29T23:45:02.115-05:00fantastic letter i thinkfantastic letter i thinkkisaritahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18181012456635737873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-91602948024885030512012-12-23T14:46:10.212-05:002012-12-23T14:46:10.212-05:00u should prob tell him that if religion or dres ma...u should prob tell him that if religion or dres makes a difference to him u will come modet looking so he shouldnt be ashamed of u and tell him that he should tell u what his problems are by inviting u and u will work it out for him <br />that might help very muchstill jewishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05396743856145914222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-3927757228455042252012-12-19T08:14:23.976-05:002012-12-19T08:14:23.976-05:00This is what I decided to write back:
Hi Abba,
...This is what I decided to write back: <br /><br />Hi Abba,<br /><br />Of course I want to be invited to family get togethers! Yes we live 9 hours away, but that's just about as far as we live from B's parents, and we drive to visit them 2-3 times a year. I like our family...and it makes me sad to see all those pictures and realize it's been over 4 years since I've been home, as everyone (Boby and Zaidy especially but also Y) looks so much older. I just assumed we weren't welcome since, well, I haven't gotten any invitations home since I got engaged to B. But if that is no longer the case I am very glad to hear that.<br /><br />We probably won't be able to go to most things since I do live 9 hours away, but I'm sure we can make it up maybe once a year or so, if we are invited and have enough advance notice so we can arrange a dogsitter. Especially to events like this one which wasn't during the semester. We probably won't be able to make it to E's since that's right in the middle of the semester, but I appreciate the invitation, and please do invite us to future events and we will try to come every once in a while. <br /><br />-AEAbandoning Edenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-71024797370705660282012-12-18T19:32:51.322-05:002012-12-18T19:32:51.322-05:00I think your parents have no idea how to handle yo...I think your parents have no idea how to handle your relationship. <br /><br />If you think you can go for Memorial Day, I would just send an email a bit before saying "Are you still doing the Memorial Day BBQ? We are free and would love to join you." Shira and Joeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07088705809368224252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-70851174351922102952012-12-18T07:35:49.686-05:002012-12-18T07:35:49.686-05:00Shira- maybe, but I also wasn't invited to tha...Shira- maybe, but I also wasn't invited to thanksgiving, or my family's annual memorial day bbq (which ironically was a family tradition started to celebrate my birthday, and now I don't even get an invite). <br /><br />Kisarita- I don't know, he doesn't seem hesitant to talk about religion when he calls me up on erev-every holiday to ask if I'm doing anything for the holiday or asks if he can bring a mezuzah to my house or telling me to go to yom kippur services to daven so I can get pregnant...in general he seems to have no qualms at all about pushing religion...Abandoning Edenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-43828126841420076372012-12-18T07:19:58.334-05:002012-12-18T07:19:58.334-05:00Actually I don't mean religion itself (which ...Actually I don't mean religion itself (which I know your dad can't get enough of) but personal feelings about religion, which aren't exactly the same thing.<br />Perhaps personal feelings in general. kisaritahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18181012456635737873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-14342263789366387242012-12-18T07:12:31.256-05:002012-12-18T07:12:31.256-05:00I am wondering if whether your Dad simply finds re...I am wondering if whether your Dad simply finds religion to be a topic that is too hot to handle. So he tries to skirt around the issue. Either he didn't want to invite you, or he sincerely assumed that you wouldn't want to celebrate a religious holiday with your religious family. <br />Either way it's up to you to be the adult in the situation and broach difficult topics with sensitivity. Like "Dad, how does it make you feel to have your non religious daughter around your relatives" if you suspect he's simply ashamed to have you around....<br />Not fair, I know, but that's the way it is.... <br />You can also bring it up yourself "even though I'm not religious, a holiday is an important family event for me."<br />If you've already tried these things and they haven't worked, sorry<br />kisaritahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18181012456635737873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-1726764714872409262012-12-17T20:11:02.775-05:002012-12-17T20:11:02.775-05:00AE, My knee jerk reaction is to want to smack yo...AE, My knee jerk reaction is to want to smack your father. He's beyond lucky to have you for a daughter and he's still caught up in the bs community/frummie stuff. He doesn't know how to deal with the past and so selective amnesia seems like a safe way to go. The problem with that is that if nothing is acknowledged/discussed, there are no clear boundaries. You've been incredibly strong through these last years and as you reestablish contact with your family you'll need that strength. If you attend extended family simchas, will some family members snub you or B? Will you feel constrained to be a different way amongst them? I'm sure that just being in your family home again will be so emotional. Even without Clomid! And while I think your parents are trying, the more time you spend with them, the more their controlling natures will surface. I know that you want a relationship with them and I understand. I was estranged from my mother for many years. I suppose I want to tell you to protect yourself and keep your expectations low. They are who they are... Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-49755279804177242212012-12-17T20:10:34.962-05:002012-12-17T20:10:34.962-05:00Maybe he was hesitant to invite you to a Chanuka p...Maybe he was hesitant to invite you to a Chanuka party? Shira and Joeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07088705809368224252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-72604317941702734782012-12-17T14:28:15.802-05:002012-12-17T14:28:15.802-05:00tesyaa I'm not upset he invited me to somethin...tesyaa I'm not upset he invited me to something I can't go to...I'm just kinda baffled by this whole email, as just last year (2011) thanksgiving I had a convo with my dad about how I miss being invited home for holidays (when I couldn't go to my cousin's wedding the day before thanksgiving because I would have had nowhere to go because I wasn't invited home for thanksgiving. And that's when he encouraged me to call my mom, and we ended up "reconciling" or whatever. And now like a year later he's like "What do you mean you wanted to be invited to family events, that thought had never crossed me mind!" It just seems...I don't know. Abandoning Edenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-7810486390580191632012-12-17T10:30:54.692-05:002012-12-17T10:30:54.692-05:00I think he missed you during the estrangement, and...I think he missed you during the estrangement, and now he's trying to stumble around and figure out how to build a new relationship with a 30 year old daughter after messing up the old one.<br /><br />A toxic power struggle with an adolescent/young adult was a big part of the blow-up, along with the fact that your father never really seemed to understand your thinking. [The rejection of B was the last straw, but the relationship was already bad by the time you met him.] <br /><br />So...you two are basically building something new, as opposed to simply continuing where you left off. It makes sense to acknowledge that, and to be clear about the parameters, instead of either ignoring the past few years or continuing to engage in the same destructive arguments.<br /><br />I'd write:<br /><br />"Seeing the family pictures reminded me of how much I had missed these past few years, when I wasn't welcomed after marrying B. I'm happy to know that you are now willing to invite me to family events, and assume that B will be welcome to attend with me. It's a step forward in re-building our relationship. B and I do drive 10 hours to see his parents on Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we would be able to drive 9 hours to see you from time to time. Unfortunately, we won't be able to make it to Aunt E's, as the timing is right in the middle of my semester, but please continue to let us know about future events. We won't be able to come to each one, but if the timing works with my schedule and we get enough advance notice to arrange a dogsitter, we should be able to visit at least once a year."Law momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01859590966207623757noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-28121739399776772062012-12-17T09:09:58.325-05:002012-12-17T09:09:58.325-05:00In this case, I think you're overreacting. Yo...In this case, I think you're overreacting. Your father is probably not thinking of your academic schedule. It's not typical to invite someone who lives 9 hours away for an afternoon Chanukah party. And he did extend the invitation for Purim, even though you can't go.tesyaahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08411240806288272179noreply@blogger.com