tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85526827275488287252024-03-13T03:35:41.602-04:00Abandoning EdenLeaving Orthodox Judaism, and what came afterAbandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.comBlogger448125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-86964191567801858782018-01-13T08:45:00.001-05:002018-01-13T17:06:45.342-05:00Skyping with my parentsIt recently occurred to me that I never updated this blog (that I hope some people still read) about whatever happened with my parents after I sent that email to my dad about being too mad to talk to him.<br />
<br />
So here's what happened. We didn't talk for a couple of months. A few days after Thanksgiving my dad emailed again asking if I wanted to skype sometime with C and I agreed. So we set up a time to talk like a week later. Unbeknownst to me, he set it up for a time that he was visiting my Brother and his new wife at their home. So of course I couldn't chew them out for not going to my brother's wedding- since my parent's were sitting right next to my brother and sister in law, and that would be weird. Sneaky.<br />
<br />
The good news though is that my parents were at my brother and sister in law's house about 2 months after the wedding! They didn't even meet B until a year after we married. So that's good. My brother seems unwilling to fight with them and just wants to stay in their good graces, which kinda annoys me a little- like I seem more upset about this whole thing that he does, but since he's not too upset, I feel like I don't have as much of a right to be upset.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile I haven't seen my parents in person and they haven't seen C since August 2016, and we have no plans to meet up in the future as of yet. I will be in Philly in August for a conference so I may ask them to meet up with us down there (about a 2 hour drive from them).<br />
<br />
While on skype I asked my parents to send me a real menorah so I could light candles with C (the only one I had was a fake light up one for the mantel and a travel one where the candles constantly fell over and doesn't have the classic menorah shape). She has been talking about being jewish lately and when we saw the Frozen holiday short (during her first movie at a theater!) she was super excited to see there was a family with a dreidal and menorah. But I don't want to pay for one, so I figured I could ask my parents for one. But they sent me a huge oil menorah without the oil cups and with a bunch of tiny candles?<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We ended up crumpling up some tin foil to make little candle holders to put in the oil cup, and we lit it once with all 8 candles- two nights after Chankuah actually ended. But during chanukah we did a thing where each day we added an additional candle to the big menorah (but didn't light it). I've decided I don't mind doing some traditional things as long as we aren't too religious about it. I also made latkes for the first time in 10 years and C had like half of one. Learned how to use a new function on my food processor though, so that was cool. :) We also played dreidel a few times but instead of pennies we used some of the fancy rocks we have from going gem mining last year.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile I've emailed with my dad a couple of time about random things over the past month, but only had that one skype session about 6 weeks ago. That is about the level of contact I want right now.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-51053029606961091912017-09-29T13:21:00.002-04:002017-09-29T13:58:37.819-04:00Dad said he would call so I emailed him backRight before Rosh Hashana, two days after my brother's wedding, my dad emailed and was like "When is a good time to call?" I just never responded. He sent me an article link a week later, didn't respond. Today he sent me an email saying "Happy yom kippur" and in the email it just said "I will call you this afternoon."<br />
<br />
So I went and took the nuclear option and this is what I responded. At first I considered just letting him call and telling him off on the phone (letting him call and just pretending everything is cool is not an option). But I know I would end up flustered and crying on the phone or something, so I felt like on print I could say what I really meant. It was mean, but whatever. So was not coming to my brother's wedding. <br />
<br />
"Abba,<br />
<br />
Do not call me this afternoon. I am too angry to talk to you right now. I spent all of D's wedding explaining to his wife and his mother in law and his friends why my parents weren't there. It was extremely painful and hurtful. It takes a lot of chutzpah to think I would welcome a call about your religious holiday while my brother is still on his honeymoon for the wedding you skipped because of your religion. I do not want to talk to you about yom kippur. I do not celebrate yom kippur. I think your religion is wrong and has done nothing but hurt our family. I do not want to hear about religion from you ever again. I'm not sure when I will be not angry enough to talk to you again, but it is not yet. <br />
<br />
Abandoning Eden." Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-11362743332462263772017-09-19T09:58:00.000-04:002017-09-20T13:37:31.176-04:00My brother got marriedMy brother got married on Sunday, to a kick-ass woman, who happens to not be Jewish. My parents didn't come. My daughter was the flower girl. About an hour before the wedding I sent my dad a picture of C and a message saying "there's still time to do the right thing." He wrote back "She looks cute, I am doing the right thing." <br />
<br />
So here's a list of responses I've come up with, for the next time he asks if I want to skype him with C:<br />
<br />
"To quote our former president "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me...you can't get fooled again.""<br />
<br />
"No thanks"<br />
<br />
"Why don't you skype your rabbi? You should probably double check that he'll take care of you when you're old"<br />
<br />
"Sure, but C is only available to talk on Saturday mornings"<br />
<br />
"Great, C is waiting for an explanation of why you weren't at her Uncle
D's wedding" (To be honest, thankfully, she hasn't seen my parents in
over a year- in part because they said they weren't coming to the
wedding- and didn't ask about them at all at the wedding. I don't think
she realized they are related to Uncle D. She did ask if her Uncle M
would be there- which is B's sister's husband. So clearly she's not
clear on who is related to whom). <br />
<br />
"I'd rather not curse in front of my child so maybe we should hold off on that, indefinitely" <br />
<br />
"[Basically the entire text from <a href="http://jewishatheist.blogspot.com/2006/01/who-wrote-bible.html" target="_blank">this post</a> about evidence for Ezra writing the Torah]"<br />
<br />
"So I'm wondering what exactly the jewish source of not attending your child's wedding is. Or did you just pick that up from the handbook of shitty parenting?"<br />
<br />
"Who dis?"<br />
<br />
"Just wondering, what if you're wrong and there is no god, or no god who gives a crap about missing your kid's wedding, or even looks poorly upon it (since god is good and all) and you just alienated your kids and grandkids for nothing?" <br />
<br />
"UNSUBSCRIBE FROM LIST"<br /><br />ETA: Actually did get an email from him asking if I have time to talk briefly today so he can wish me a shana tova! What fucking chutzpah!! Here are two additional responses I've come up with (so far I've not replied at all, thinking of just ignoring it until tomorrow: <br /><br />"I'm too mad to talk to you right now, and I certainly don't want to hear anything about your evil cult and its holidays."<br /><br />"<span><span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody"><span>"I
don't have time to talk, I have a long day of work and then afterwards
I'm going out for beers with friends to talk about my rough weekend
explaining to all my brother's new relatives about how sad it is that my
parents are part of a cult"(true story apart from the long day of work part). </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/21463351_10103410453894857_3630078953996494215_n.jpg?oh=dbe6a96184080751d42427e2ac04fdf5&oe=5A55054E" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" height="240" src="https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/21463351_10103410453894857_3630078953996494215_n.jpg?oh=dbe6a96184080751d42427e2ac04fdf5&oe=5A55054E" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-7893261598635576482016-12-26T09:17:00.002-05:002016-12-29T18:00:05.125-05:00ChranukahI could post the back and forth exchange we had after that last email where my dad was basically like "I've been so nice to B's face for the past several years" and I was like "I can't even with this" and then my dad never wrote back to that last email and is now calling me and pretending like it didn't exist.<br />
<br />
BUT INSTEAD, here are some pictures from our intercultural Christmas/Chranukah! I decided that I am going to teach C what a menorah is, and how to play dreidel, and we will have some menorahs out with our christmas decorations. Also this year, we lied and told her Santa came down the chimney to give her presents (this is the first year she's old enough to even understand what that means). We even took her to see Santa at the mall to ask for presents (an elephant- she got a stuffed one and a plastic one) and left out milk and cookies for Santa. I went back and forth about whether or not to do the Santa thing, but I think I'd rather she get to experience the classic Santa thing, and then when she figures it out we'll teach her about giving gifts but not taking credit for it, and also about how sometimes adults lie. We also did stocking stuffers for the first time (Or "Santa Socks" as C calls them), and included a bunch of chanukah stuff my parents sent us (gelt, plastic dreidels full of jelly beans, more chocolate, chanukah stickers) as stocking stuffers.<br />
<br />
So while my parents would be and probably are horrified by this, I am happy with how we are incorporating both holidays together and keeping the stuff I actually like and having some Jewish cultural elements to our winter holiday celebrating.
Maybe one of these years I'll even make latkes. Not this year though. Later today my orthodox brother is coming to visit our house for the first time ever, so I need to go clean some more. :)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEPov0rgLp-uIKZvHpl5B5-1tfv1QzBVeHWjBMtHG2FAZPn_okUPFWfz1UcftyPOA74nI_i3UP08xSU9xdcD6FqtAI0edNyU9EDAw24-HArGhl-BZqCJGxUQQMLkMFTg1NmvR61hKXUCI/s1600/IMG_4128.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEPov0rgLp-uIKZvHpl5B5-1tfv1QzBVeHWjBMtHG2FAZPn_okUPFWfz1UcftyPOA74nI_i3UP08xSU9xdcD6FqtAI0edNyU9EDAw24-HArGhl-BZqCJGxUQQMLkMFTg1NmvR61hKXUCI/s320/IMG_4128.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8udwRidqklB6vFJ35_YAS5pzndgXsJBRsxBN993Zlk1s1-1hXnvTzSDgAKDNL9WRs8Ol4iPkYv1XUffo0Hqbbv6pJS9qPdkiGc9WrR5JS4NwZ2yvOr3l3w_Hk3q-HdPW1pQM9ZpeWTxA/s1600/IMG_4133.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8udwRidqklB6vFJ35_YAS5pzndgXsJBRsxBN993Zlk1s1-1hXnvTzSDgAKDNL9WRs8Ol4iPkYv1XUffo0Hqbbv6pJS9qPdkiGc9WrR5JS4NwZ2yvOr3l3w_Hk3q-HdPW1pQM9ZpeWTxA/s320/IMG_4133.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2CrZzqqjhJoEZCY_lUXX4hgKNN41aEl0h_MHXSc0bvNNoWE2Tue8d14iSfH9JeSdH7xzNjJZ9MCTx6IA0NYzushFZmJlokdXDZzhEN6_3dRgP2v7BuhPZEyIh3UB5X0PAc1kxqmJkI8U/s1600/IMG_4134.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2CrZzqqjhJoEZCY_lUXX4hgKNN41aEl0h_MHXSc0bvNNoWE2Tue8d14iSfH9JeSdH7xzNjJZ9MCTx6IA0NYzushFZmJlokdXDZzhEN6_3dRgP2v7BuhPZEyIh3UB5X0PAc1kxqmJkI8U/s320/IMG_4134.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg21nvwyhgdq_OXQVc73NNKMo5vbINJx3c96rVnLx4c3erQkirIEmTUmRQHlEcSQFA5vrUxRTwm7R9YBKtsdCQ4ODHN3JTjHNVizCwvC7SsAWkehGkyHqfJLUkn2J7kfU5dASMvPB5tRE/s1600/IMG_4135.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg21nvwyhgdq_OXQVc73NNKMo5vbINJx3c96rVnLx4c3erQkirIEmTUmRQHlEcSQFA5vrUxRTwm7R9YBKtsdCQ4ODHN3JTjHNVizCwvC7SsAWkehGkyHqfJLUkn2J7kfU5dASMvPB5tRE/s320/IMG_4135.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Zc1cw9tjy67pPqby7kOFNMHbx-aNB00PPp5ZTKtypRTk4ugI89IdEe4P8wfRcT-LQ43rmUWHHfXimtofvkvG61bX8DbHLNgWpOYMskCEf4LSFEX47r51NUPU13Uopiw5S0U8bHdwEFI/s1600/IMG_4240.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Zc1cw9tjy67pPqby7kOFNMHbx-aNB00PPp5ZTKtypRTk4ugI89IdEe4P8wfRcT-LQ43rmUWHHfXimtofvkvG61bX8DbHLNgWpOYMskCEf4LSFEX47r51NUPU13Uopiw5S0U8bHdwEFI/s320/IMG_4240.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivvJSz60rxu_IJ3evfBBNoclDnO3KgDVtPCbdtYbikqA73r_ZEza9Vj0fyFmzWbEo26LeZILoNhXRNh00Ua6CGctOS-QMuMIiSWI1aRkodgwtSK_EEVcn3X5nF4Rv2XxUk-DlKddj63GI/s1600/IMG_4271.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivvJSz60rxu_IJ3evfBBNoclDnO3KgDVtPCbdtYbikqA73r_ZEza9Vj0fyFmzWbEo26LeZILoNhXRNh00Ua6CGctOS-QMuMIiSWI1aRkodgwtSK_EEVcn3X5nF4Rv2XxUk-DlKddj63GI/s320/IMG_4271.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-60167326023611448402016-12-09T17:54:00.003-05:002016-12-10T16:53:43.243-05:00A letter I actually sent my dadDear Abba,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal"><br>
Hi. Thanks for the
invite to Florida, but I can’t just drop everything and take off to Florida
with less than 2 weeks notice. C
has school the third week of December (including her violin recital and a second
school-wide recital that week), then we have holidays over those two weekends
that we celebrate, and we are having a visitor the last week of December. And like you, I plan my schedule months in
advance, and have a very busy winter break schedule planned with my coauthors,
with deadlines the first week of January for a 35 page conference paper and a
15 page major NSF grant proposal, and advance preparations for my new job as
Director of Undergrad Studies in Sociology that I start officially in January. Taking a 2-3 day break (+ half a day to pack
and get everything ready + a day to recover) will make my break a lot more
stressful because I still have to write 50 pages somewhere. </div><br>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We also took that big trip in August to visit everyone
specifically so that we wouldn’t have to travel over winter break. And the cost of travel for us is more than
the cost of plane tickets and lodging.
We have to board our dogs, which requires a vet appointment ($120 for
both) to get shots for “kennel cough” (the shot only last 6 months), and an
appointment at the Kennel ($65 a day).
And the last two weeks of December usually gets booked up at the dog
kennels months in advance. Plus in
general I would rather visit you in *State* as long as you still live there, because
that way I can see my friends up there and other family members in the same
trip.</div><br>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be honest, apart from all these reasons, which
are all
true, there is another one that I’m not sure if I should bring up with
you
(Since I’m not sure it will do any good). I had hoped that after all the
drama we had before my wedding that I would never write a long email
like this to you again, and D has asked me not to fight with you
about this, but after going back and forth I
think it’s better to just say it instead of silently resenting you from
afar
and avoiding spending time with you without telling you why.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal"><br>
Ever since I found out you are not going to D’s wedding it
has brought up a lot of hurt feelings for me. I spent years being upset about
you not attending my wedding, and maybe I fooled myself into thinking you had
‘gotten over it’ and had accepted my family. Over that time there has been and
continues to be a lot of painful reminders of the past, and I have felt
rejected by you and mom’s actions many times, but I know it is a difficult
adjustment for you as well, and for C’s sake I try to hold my tongue. But the fact that you are not attending
D’s wedding has shown me that if you could travel back in time and do
things differently, you would do things the exact same way, despite all the
hurt it caused me and our family, the damage it did to our relationship, and all the years in which we barely talked to
each other.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal"><br>
It seems to me that you still look at my life
choices and my
husband as being ‘lesser than’ you, and I don’t think anybody likes to
hang out
with people who look down on them and clearly disapproves of the entire
way in
which they live their life, and feels so strongly about it that they are
willing
to skip two out of three of their children’s weddings and ruin their
chance of a normal healthy relationship with their kids, son/daughter in
law, and grandchildren.<br />
<br />
I often wonder if you only tolerate us
now that we have a kid, so that you can hang out with your grandchild and try to kiruv her into your
religious beliefs. Or at least that’s how it looks from my perspective. The fact
that you usually fly in for 3 hours at a time, just long enough to snap
pictures with her to show off to your friends and give us a ton of jewish stuff
and then fly out again, reinforces this view to me. As does the fact that I
asked you to not send C Jewish books anymore, and yet they are still coming.
When E has a ‘real’ jewish kid some
day are you going to drop her like a hot potato? When she has no interest in being religious
as she gets older, are you going to lose interest in her or treat her like a
second class citizen, the way you and mom treated me differently than D and
E when you thought I was the only one not religious? Or, just
as bad, are you going to treat her better than D's kids because
she's a 'real' jew and you can try to kiruv her but his kids won't be
halachicly jewish? Are you going to skip her wedding some day and hurt her
the way you hurt me and now D? What
about when she inevitably realizes for herself the way you feel about her father and, by
extension, her? These are things I worry about and feel I must protect her from.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal"><br>
So I’m not sure where exactly that leaves us. I can’t just go on pretending everything is
ok and just swallow my resentment and take fun family vacations together while
you treat my brother and sister in law in a way that shows you don’t regret the
way you treated me, and which is leading to a lot of hurt and angry feelings on my
part. I want so much to have that family life you are thinking of, where we
come to visit you in Florida just like I visited Sabba and Savta as a kid, but
I feel like that is a fantasy of some other family that never will be real,
because of the choices you have made and continue to make. In a way I feel like
this must be what it is like to be related to a heroin addict. I see you
going down a path this is once again irreparably harming your relationship with
my family (and D’s family) even further than it is already harmed, and driving
an even bigger wedge between people in our family, but I am powerless to stop you. So even though I love you, I feel I have to
distance myself from you to protect my feelings and my family. <br />
<br />
You have said you don’t want to go to D’s wedding
because of the message it sends. Well what message does it send to my husband
and daughter and me, and what message would I send to them if I pretend like
nothing is happening and continue to just visit like everything is normal? What exactly am I supposed to say to C
next Fall when she asks why you aren’t at D’s wedding, where she will be
the flower girl? She has already seen a
wedding album from my wedding and asked why you weren’t there, and it was
heartbreaking for me, and I had no idea what to say to her. That her grandparents believe in an extremist
version of Judaism that puts religious beliefs over their children and family
connections, and they believe they have to miss their own children's weddings
to show their devotion to god and their religion? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal"><br>
I don’t even fully understand it myself. I know plenty of
other OTD people whose parents came to their wedding to non jewish people, or
who compromised by coming to the reception but not the ceremony, whose parents
are much more religious than you. So I wonder what makes you different from
those parents? The only explanations I
can think of is that maybe you are under the sway of your Chabad-trained
rabbi, who believes in a cultish version of Judaism with strict “in
group-out group” rules like missing your children's weddings. Maybe you
have developed your own extremist dogmatic version of hashkafa, perhaps
influenced
by those rabbi courses you took, your strong feelings about preserving
jewish
culture because of the holocaust (alienating your kids over religion is
probably not the best way to go about that), and maybe too many times
watching
Fiddler on the Roof (which, by the way, was originally written as a
satire/critique
of shtetls, not a history lesson). <br />
<br />
And honestly I think this is partially about
control and you trying to show your disapproval when you feel you can’t control
our actions, and trying to punish me/D to try to sway us to do what you
want us to do and marry Jews, just like the way you threatened to stop paying
for my college tuition if I wouldn’t come home for shabbas when you knew I wasn’t
religious in college (which, incidentally, makes me wonder if every ‘gift’ you
give us for C is a future manipulation tactic to withhold if we don’t
silently put up with your disrespect). Or
maybe it is a simpler explanation and you’re just a narcissist or a coward or an extremely
stubborn man who cares more about getting your way and looking good to others
and maintaining your social standing in the community than about your children
and how much they get hurt in the process.
None of those explanations are very flattering, and I don’t know
whether
it’s a good idea to even share these thoughts with you since I feel it
will
only insult you and put you on the defensive which is not my intention,
but
they are honestly the only ones I think explain your actions. If any of
that hit close to home maybe you should think about why.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal"><br>
This whole situation is also making me hate Judaism and my
own heritage to the point where I don’t want to pass it on to my kid at all. After I came home from L’s wedding when I
found out you weren’t going to D’s wedding I was so angry I gathered up all
the 50+ jewish childrens books in my house and stacked them up in my laundry
room so C wouldn’t have access to them. Yes religion has a lot of good
to it, and we have a rich history and traditions, but preserving it comes at
what cost? Your relationship with your kids and son/daughter in law? Your
grandkids? Even God told Abraham in the end to not sacrifice his own kid. And
in the end you are driving us further away from Judaism, to the
point where I want to pass on none of it. I think there might a dvar torah in there somewhere. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal"><br>
<span class="m_5157706093656798520gmail-uficommentbody">You are of course entitled to
your own beliefs and decisions no matter how much they hurt me. I considered
sending the first two paragraphs of this email and just leaving it at all the
other reasons for why I am not visiting. But I feel it is better to say what I
am really thinking and try to maybe understand each other. I’m also just not sure if you are aware of how
much your actions have hurt me and continue to affect and hurt me, since I
often just bottle up my resentment and don’t tell you. </span> It’s
hard because we live so far apart and
only meet up for 2 or 3 hours at a time, so meanwhile I just sit at home
and
resent you from afar and never talk about it with you. In the end, even
if it doesn't change your mind, I want you to go into the decision to
skip D's wedding fully informed of the impact you are having. And I
also worry that you live in an echo chamber of people telling you this
is the right decision, and don't have anyone pointing out why it isn't. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal"><br>
In the meanwhile,
while I do very much appreciate your invitation and offer to pay for our
flights, I don’t think a trip is in the cards this winter break while I am
still so upset, and if you are not going to go to D’s wedding then I don’t
think realistically I’m going to want to go out of my way to come visit you in
Florida for at least the next couple of years.
It really saddens me that we can’t have a closer relationship where an
invitation to visit you in Florida makes me happy instead of filling me with
dread and resentment, and worry that if I am honest about my feelings I will
lose our fragile relationship again. But I’m not going to bring my husband to stay
in the house of someone who looks down on him and me and our life together
while this hurt is ongoing.<br />
<br />
Maybe over spring break or next summer, with plenty of advance warning
and planning around both of our schedules, you can go stay in *Nearbye city 1.5 hours away* where
there is a kosher restaurant and we can meet up somewhere in between like at the Zoo or the *other local attraction* or something with C. I’m also planning to have a tenure party in
April which you are invited to, but I’m not sure yet if it will be on a Saturday
or a Sunday or when exactly it will be. The only trip I’m planning to make
North next year is to D’s wedding, and I don’t think it would be
appropriate to visit you during that trip since it will just upset me and
confuse C, and I’m not going to lie to her on your behalf.<br><br>
I hope you have a good vacation and I'd be happy to talk more if you would like. <br />
Abandoning EdenAbandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-73209838930705942442016-09-03T07:54:00.000-04:002016-09-03T07:57:15.821-04:00More Letters I will never send my dad. Dear Abba,<br />
<br />
I have a concern about a family member I was hoping you could help me with, since you've gone with such a similar thing yourself. First of all, my family member used to be cool, but then he started hanging out with a new crowd around 20 years ago, and I'm not sure this crowd has been the best influence on him. He has beliefs I don't agree with, and his friends seem to egg him on in bad behavior and encourage those beliefs, even to the point where he seems to be separating himself from the rest of the family. For many years he has been hurting other family members because he refuses to compromise with them, and he distances himself from his family members by constantly bringing up religious issues which can make other people uncomfortable. Recently he has really crossed the line in terms of what I find acceptable behavior, according to my own beliefs.<br />
<br />
Yet, this person is still a part of my family. My child has a relationship with them, and they sometimes come to visit us as many as two times a year. However now that they have so crossed the lines in terms of acceptable beliefs, inviting them to my home would seem to condone their behavior, and I don't want to give the appearance that I condone the behavior I find so unacceptable. Also, inviting him to my house and giving the impression that I condone his behavior may hurt my community standing among my friends and other family members.<br />
<br />
What do you suggest I do about my father, who refuses to attend my brother's wedding to a non-jewish woman?<br />
<br />
-Abandoning EdenAbandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-8753767510549266312016-06-23T08:56:00.001-04:002016-06-23T10:13:45.565-04:00And......the drama returns. Time for some RANTS. Well that was a nice few years off from the dramatic bullshit. But it's back. <br />
<br />
A few days ago my cousin got married. This is the one cousin on my mom's side who is NOT the child of the Horrible Aunt who, a few years ago, told me I couldn't have the contact information of all her 6 kids when I was sending out birth announcements because she didn't want them to "know about my "marriage" and life choices"(See <a href="http://abandoningeden.blogspot.com/2013/10/when-is-this-hurtful-crap-going-to-end.html" target="_blank">this post</a>). The brides parents were the 'black sheep' of the previous generation by being extremely left wing MO and wearing pants and not covering their hair and stuff. So B and I actually got invited to the wedding! And since it coincided with the weekend of one of my favorite music festivals up North I decided to make a road trip out of it and go camping with a bunch of friends at the festival (which was AWESOME!) before heading to the wedding Sunday. Kids were not invited so I left B and C at home down South and had a mom's weekend out. First music festival since before I got pregnant! I used to go to 5 or 6 every summer... <br />
<br />
So I went to this wedding. Horrible Aunt and I did not talk. I saw her once about two feet away from me and just turned around and walked the other way, and at another point she did the same to me, and we didn't talk. In fact, we had been seated at the same table, but she managed to change her table to a different table cause I scared her away so much! Ha! Leaving me at the table with 5 out of 6 of her kids, who I spent all night hanging out with, sharing pictures of our kids with, and catching up with. Also showed some pics to my grandparents, hung out with my awesome Aunt and Uncle who are the parents of the Bride, and had fun hanging out with my brother's fiance during the ceremony when they had separate seating. Also had fun hanging out with both my brothers and catching up with both of them. <br />
<br />
Speaking of which, my little OTD brother is engaged! To pretty much the most awesome kick assiest lady ever! I mean seriously kick ass, she was on a roller derby team when they met! Also, she is not Jewish. And they've been together like 6 years and living together like 3 of those I think.<br />
<br />
So at the end of the wedding, 4 amaretto sours in, after all the drama was avoided with my extended family, I ended up getting in a fight (not yelling, just confrontily disagreeing) with my dad because he is now saying
he will not go to my brother's wedding to a non jewish woman next year
just like he didn't come to my wedding 7 years ago. For new readers: After my parents
didn't come to my wedding we didn't talk for several years but then
reconciled a bit when my dad had heart surgery and then 3 years ago when
I had a kid he (and my mom, who I have totally given up on) started
coming to visit every 6 months or so. And sending us 10 million jewish
books and crap like that. We also have taken a trip up North once a year, so my parents end up seeing my kid 2-3 times a year. Them and B have even been getting along. I had somehow fooled myself into thinking he was now a more rational person. <br />
<br />
But meanwhile, wtf, apparently he has
learned NOTHING from that whole horrible experience, and he even asked
why I am upset he's not coming to my brother's wedding since "It's not
me." Um, WTF. If he doesn't see how this would be super insulting and
hurtful to me then he is just stupid or being willfully blind. Plus, as I
told him, how am I supposed to let him get all close to my daughter,
just so he can hurt her by not coming to her wedding in 25 years? He
was all like "is that a threat" and I was all "well just like mom told
me when I got married, every action has consequences, and the
consequences of you not coming to my brother's wedding is that I don't
know that you won't hurt my kid in the future and I don't want to spend
time with you." and then he got on all about how I have to respect his
beliefs or whatever.<br />
<br />
Which is fucking bullshit, I have to respect the
beliefs that are tearing my family apart? Should I respect the beliefs
of a muslim imam who stones a rape victim cause it's their "Beliefs"? Is he fucking respecting MY
beliefs and decision to raise my kid without religion by sending me jewish books for every obscure holidays and trying
to shove religion down my kid's throat? ARGHHHHH<br />
<br />
I cannot
BELIEVE I am going through all this again. I know this is my brother's
fight, not mine, but it's like fucking deja vue all over again right
here. And I'm not going to sit back silently while my father shits all
over his kids and creates more family rifts with his fucking bullshit
cult membership ideas. Cause lawd knows everyone else in the family is probably just yessing him. <br />
<br />
OTOH I don't want to drive him further
away which is why I'm ranting here and not in an email to him that I
really want to write. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to
ACTUALLY change his mind about coming? I mean I know my kid is the
ultimate trump card and I am not above using her in that way (especially
since I feel it protects her to not have a relationship with people who
abuse their family like this) but I also don't want to go all nuclear
and make my dad double down on being a stubborn asshole...I feel like I
want to save that for right before the wedding if he is still being stubborn by then, when I can be like "If
you want to see my kid you can see her at my brother's wedding or not at all."<br />
<br />
My brother already went to my dad's rabbi with him to try to have the rabbi be a mediator, and his rabbi was
basically like "you should give some money to tzedakah" and some other useless
horseshit. I HATE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE. Meanwhile I'm
supposed to go up north with B and C to visit my parent/brothers in August and I already was
like "We'll see" when my dad was like "see you in August" at the end of
our fight which was basically when we were leaving the wedding (I stayed over at my brother's house and then drove home the next day)....but I still want to go to see my brother, and after stewing on this during my 10 hour drive home, I figure this
will be another opportunity to try to convince my dad in person to go to
the wedding..and another chance for him to hang out with my kid one last time and see
what he will miss when he doesn't go to this wedding. Cause I don't
think he is welcome in my house anymore, so I doubt we'll be having his
regular December visit this year. <br />
<br />
Actually I woke up on Monday and cried a little before my brother woke up...cause I am so sad I am being put in this position again. How much has religion hurt my family? It ruined my entire fucking childhood, and even living 10 hours away from my old community, it manages to reach out and hurt my adulthood too. Recently C was looking at pictures from our wedding and asked where "Bobby and Sabba were." Tore my fucking heart out. What am I supposed to tell her when she's a year older and smarter, asking where they are at her Uncle D's wedding? I wish I had never introduced them to her at all. <br />
<br />
/rantsAbandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-21430242933370973502015-03-07T11:54:00.001-05:002015-03-07T11:59:01.902-05:00Life, Parenting, and the Jewish Book of the Month ClubI'm back! On a limited basis. But I have something to write about, so I'm writing it, and I may update here or there as I feel like it. <br />
<br />
So some updates on my life generally: C is 19 months old! She can walk, run, climb, push furniture places and then climb on it, get to scary insane heights while climbing, dance (and depending on the song will dance with hippie hand motions, head banging, rocking back or forth, or spinning in time with the music), snap, follow many simple commands (like this morning B sent her back to our room with a roll of toilet paper to give me to put in our bathroom) and say maybe 12-15ish words. Her first word was "Cat" followed closely by "Kitty Cat" and "Dog" (plus "dad" and "mom"- but dad came first cause she loves her dad!). B is a stay-at-home dad. I'm still working full time as a sociology professor, in the same university and try to work from home 1-2 days a week (although lately it's been more like 0-1, sigh). We still live in the South. I still haven't gotten tenure -I go up in Summer 2016 (I delayed the clock by a year when I gave birth to C) and will find out sometime around Spring 2017 if I got it. So this year I'm spending a lot of time on finishing up and sending out research projects, to try and get as much published as possible before going up for tenure. <br />
<br />
Since shutting down/going on hiatus for this blog and my other blog, I've been spending more time on other hobbies. Most of all I've been spending time with C- she is a great playmate, and we draw together and read together and build megablocks, and go on adventures in our backyard and around our neighborhood and to various parks. This coming week is spring break and we have a playdate to go to the park with 2 other prof friends of mine and their kids. Playdates are so much better and less anxiety-producing than real dates! I started a writing group at work which meets every week, where me and some other prof friends of mine get together to chat, bitch, drink coffee, and after about 45 minutes of that, buckle down and work on our research for 2-3 hours. Through that I'm becoming friends with a new prof who joined our department this year- and in general now that I've had almost 5 years living here, I have a few different established networks of friends with whom to do specific types of things. Apart from my research/writing group I have like 3 different parent/kid type groups of friends I get together with for playdates and mom's night outs, a few friends I go to music shows with while leaving C at home with B (going to see Sleater-Kinney next month!!), and even have a regular game night we go to occasionally when we want to splurge on a babysitter.<br />
<br />
I've also been spending a lot of time this winter planning my garden- last year we had to cut down a huge tree out front that was dying, so we cut it off at table-level and put stumps around it to make seats. I decided to cut down the low boring evergreen bushes that were around that tree, and plant a new tree about 4 feet over from the old stump which will overhang the seating area. I already ordered a weeping cherry tree, and then a bunch of perennial herb plants and flowers to plant around the base where all the old bushes were. I'm also getting interested in flower gardening which is a newish area for me, and I've ordered a bunch of bulbs and plants that should start arriving here soon. <br />
<br />
So now for the stuff you all read this blog for: The OTD stuff: <br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj2rU45rVlgLkLquYGsZQI5Qg6VodqK6j626A1V9L0pYSXgKJBdJNLRKjpQK373ejold2R2AasrzWA7VC6kTEVQNq_iEFSMcYhBq6CvHQKIKY0vaYAuxVqMGNqdjDApHahYTeBbNfTSwU/s1600/Building+block+menorah.JPG" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj2rU45rVlgLkLquYGsZQI5Qg6VodqK6j626A1V9L0pYSXgKJBdJNLRKjpQK373ejold2R2AasrzWA7VC6kTEVQNq_iEFSMcYhBq6CvHQKIKY0vaYAuxVqMGNqdjDApHahYTeBbNfTSwU/s1600/Building+block+menorah.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Chankuah 2014: C + My mom</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
My relationship with my parents is...interesting. Since C was born they have been to visit us 3 times, each time for less than 4-5 hours, and we went up to their area to stay with my brother + his gf for a week last summer, and spent about a day and a half hanging out with them. I complained recently to my dad that they always just come here for a few hours, when we live 10 hours away, and I emailed him a long plan for him to come down to visit for a couple of days and for us to have kosher food for them to eat. After all that, I just heard from my dad that this summer they are flying down the week after C's birthday to visit for...7.5 hours! Ha. Other than seeing them 2-3 times a year now, I also talk to them a few times a year on the phone and email with my dad fairly regularly. So our communication has not actually increased all that much, other than more in-person visits. <br />
<br />
They seem to focus most of their limited interaction with my daughter on pushing Judaism. In December they came to visit for around 4 hours, and made a point of lighting Chanukah candles here with her, even though they were going back to their own house later that night, and it wasn't even night time. I figured it was harmless though- especially since the next day we were driving to visit her other grandmother for christmas. For Chanukah in addition to a bunch of typical grandparent gifts (clothes, kids books) they gave us an awesome toy piano for kids which C loves, + a bunch of chanukah toys like a wooden menorah, menorah fingerpuppets, different kinds of dreidels, etc. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj2rU45rVlgLkLquYGsZQI5Qg6VodqK6j626A1V9L0pYSXgKJBdJNLRKjpQK373ejold2R2AasrzWA7VC6kTEVQNq_iEFSMcYhBq6CvHQKIKY0vaYAuxVqMGNqdjDApHahYTeBbNfTSwU/s1600/Building+block+menorah.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
My dad signed her up for a jewish book of the month club called PJ library. My mom sends packages of kid's related jewish toys and books for every jewish holiday. This week we got a package that included: shalach manos (hamentashen + some other foods), a grogger, a wooden seder plate puzzle, a bunch of plastic frogs in a package that said something about pesach, around 5 kids books on purim and 4 on pesach + 3 not-Jewish-related kids books. <br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVEyAPnkcictoYfyYgbeTTV3fKOe5btLeynzOu0SRHzkIFH1EBkRPAUyKX3i6gElFVqmSMIKwa4EFm9mmCBgu5KacZecb-eOz5WU_rVlQtsXF8Q1kXD74QClHsLSCs3WwYqAaGR4KcsWE/s1600/014.JPG" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVEyAPnkcictoYfyYgbeTTV3fKOe5btLeynzOu0SRHzkIFH1EBkRPAUyKX3i6gElFVqmSMIKwa4EFm9mmCBgu5KacZecb-eOz5WU_rVlQtsXF8Q1kXD74QClHsLSCs3WwYqAaGR4KcsWE/s1600/014.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>A few days later- Christmas 2014</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now that we are in our second go-around of these holidays, we are starting to accumulate a massive collection of jewish children's books. Between PJ library and my mom, we have books for every obscure holiday (TWO tu'bshvat books!) and probably 5-10 books for every major one. In fact this year my mom sent me a purim book that she already sent me last year, so now we're getting doubles. They take up a whole shelf of her bookshelf. I can start a lending library!<br />
<br />
I'm thinking of using the fact that we are now getting doubles to tell my mom (gently) that maybe we have enough of these kind of books for now. <br />
<br />
So what to do with all these books? I'm certainly not giving my kid pure unfiltered religious brainwashing the way I got. What I've taken to doing is first reading through the books to see what is in there. Some are purely cultural- there is no mention of god, blessings, miracles, prayers, etc. All it does is describe things about the holiday. These I have no problem with. Some I even like- there's a tu'bshvat book that is all about planting trees and saving the environment. At first I tried to change around the words for some things to make them entirely secular. Like the book would say "On tu'bshvat we plant a tree" and I would say out loud "On arbor day we plant a tree." But I almost immediately decided that I have no problem with her knowing what things like tu'bshvat are, the correct jewish names for things - in fact I want her to at least know that much, so in that respect, these books are good. <br />
<br />
On the other hand, some of these books make me want to take out a big black marker and start busting out the yeshiva-style censorship. Stuff about god (or "g-d" as they write it), instructing kids to start saying blessings over stuff, messed up stories about first born sons being killed only illustrated with children's pictures, saying we hope to move to Israel....I definitely don't want to be reading that stuff to my toddler.<br />
<br />
Some of the books it's only one word here or there, so I will just skip that page when reading it, or insert a word substitution. So if it talks about thanking god for a meal, I will talk about thanking all the hard workers who worked on growing and making and driving over and cooking the meal, including mommy and daddy. Or something like that. Some I'm just keeping on a high shelf way out of her reach so we have the info available if she wants to check it out when she is older and capable of having a conversation about what we are talking about. The very worst stuff I have thrown out. <br />
<br />
The other major development with my parents is actually regarding my OTD brother. For almost 5 years he has been dating a kick-ass (literally- she used to play roller derby!) non-jewish woman, and he's been living with her since around mid-2013. Last summer when we went up to visit them + my parents for a week, he used that as an opportunity to tell my parents he was living with her (after a year) and introduce them to her for the first time- he didn't ask them or anything, he just called up my dad and told him that on the sunday we were set to have breakfast and spend the day at my parent's house, he was bringing her along. My dad pulled me aside that day to ask how serious their relationship was and then answered himself by saying 'well if they live together it must be pretty serious." That trip was actually the first time B has ever been to my parent's house, and my first time going home since 2008, which was super exciting for me- I got to show him the place and tell him all my fun stories about sneaking around with BF's, the place I had a big fight with OTD brother and pushed him through the wall, he got to see my childhood room and my neighborhood and where I grew up... <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVEyAPnkcictoYfyYgbeTTV3fKOe5btLeynzOu0SRHzkIFH1EBkRPAUyKX3i6gElFVqmSMIKwa4EFm9mmCBgu5KacZecb-eOz5WU_rVlQtsXF8Q1kXD74QClHsLSCs3WwYqAaGR4KcsWE/s1600/014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
So anyway during the trip my brother brought his non-jewish girlfriend to the house. She was really nervous and dressed very modestly- I actually wore pants deliberately (she wore a skirt- that was my first time wearing pants in my parent's house) and was like "this way I'll take the heat off you cause they'll be too busy staring at my pants!" :) <br />
<br />
We ended up having brunch at my parent's house, going to the Van Saun Park zoo (the saddest zoo in the world-the enclosures are way too small!) and then going back to my parent's for some truly awful and inedible kosher chinese take out for dinner before heading back to my brother's place, which is where we were staying. <br />
<br />
This is pretty huge, because my parents did not meet B until a full year after we were married. Since this trip I've heard my brother and his GF have hung out with my parents again, and they are all going to a family wedding this weekend I think (we were invited too but arn't going) for my second cousin who's family is not orthodox. <br />
<br />
The one annoying passive aggressive mom part of the trip was during the zoo when we were looking at the lion- my mom started talking about Ligers to my husband and my brother's GF and said something about how "We jews don't do hybrids" to which B shot back something about hybrid vigor. I didn't even pick up on how insulting that comment was, given that we were hanging out with B and C, until B brought it up again later. But that's my mom- she takes these underhanded shots and thinks she's being so fucking clever. But now I have a whole team of people to vent and laugh about it with later- B, my brother, my basically-sister-in-law, and soon C will probably be joining in too. <br />
<br />
So that's it for now. I'm going to NOLA in a few weeks for a conference, but without B and C, and then will be going to visit the Outer banks of North Carolina in June for a week with B's family. My parents are coming to visit again in August. C keeps growing up and we keep on keeping on. <br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7mUNtiy864pmjCPDcPdNDeYZlQ0kdvgloP0uCS9-dKn1g1IeWGDmpGjZ4NJKw34WKYVxugDoZkgHmh2iGakD50zFyoTw9d2-xcW8YYJTtccWYDQt1JIblYbzyDIzB6OuZ9TkXtccj7eY/s1600/004.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7mUNtiy864pmjCPDcPdNDeYZlQ0kdvgloP0uCS9-dKn1g1IeWGDmpGjZ4NJKw34WKYVxugDoZkgHmh2iGakD50zFyoTw9d2-xcW8YYJTtccWYDQt1JIblYbzyDIzB6OuZ9TkXtccj7eY/s1600/004.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-25731715778275113122014-02-05T20:05:00.000-05:002014-02-05T21:05:46.546-05:00HiatusThings have been good with my parents- me and my mom had like a 4 hour conversation where we had everything out (or I did anyway-I told her all the secrets I have been keeping for like...31 years). I'm glad we did that, because just going on pretending like none of our past ever happened was not working for me, and now I feel better about having my parents in C's life. My parents actually invited us up to their house for spring break and offered to pay for all our travel expenses. Not sure yet if we will go, but we will be up there in June. We were also invited to shabbas dinner with my parents when we are up there in June but I'm not sure if we'll do that- we may just hang out during non-shabbas times. Or maybe we'll go to friday night dinner. That would be kinda weird, but why not? I'm excited that B is finally going to get to see the house I grew up in. <br />
<br />
Lately I've been rethinking a lot of my hobbies. I've gone back to work, I have a baby, and spending 20 hours a day on the internet just doesn't appeal the way it used to. I think I'm pretty much done with blogging for a while (here and at my livejournal). I also resigned as moderator of the Off the Derech facebook page, which I have helped moderate since it took off a few years ago. I used to spend many hours a day on the computer, now there are days I don't even check my facebook. <br />
<br />
Over winter break I bought a new acoustic guitar and a ukulele. I've played guitar since high school, and had an acoustic and an electric (an epiphone les paul) guitar but right before I moved to the south, I discovered my acoustic guitar was broken- the neck had a big crack. I think it was either our dog, or one of our friends who was always playing my guitar when they came to visit. I wasn't playing guitar much at that point anyway, so it didn't seem like a big deal. <br />
<br />
But lately I'd been wanting to play guitar for C, and even tried playing my electric for her a bit, but dragging an amp around is lame, and I always preferred playing acoustic to electric. So I got a new acoustic guitar- a Seagull- at a pawn shop in town that specializes in musical instruments. While I was there I picked up a ukulele for $30, which I've always wanted. And I've been playing lots of music for C on both, and am quickly picking up ukulele. Unlike blogging, playing instruments is a hobby we can both enjoy. <br />
<br />
I also have been reading a lot more off-line, and am up to book 9 of the Wheel of Time, and just bought a bunch of non fiction books about Sojourner Truth and Harriet Tubman and the Suffrage movement, and another book that's about great speeches by American women. After I'm done with that I have a few sociology books that have been piling up, which I've been meaning to read. I also got new reading glasses that are actually my prescription which helps with that. <br />
<br />
C is starting to crawl and we just started her on solid foods. I read lots of books to her too.<br />
<br />
A few weeks ago B and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary of knowing each other. In a few months it'll be our 5 year wedding anniversary. <br />
<br />
This blog is pretty much for when things are going terribly with my family, and now they aren't anymore. So for now, I'm going on hiatus. I may come back and post some more if things go wrong with my family again, but I'm hoping I won't be posting here again. I'll leave all my past posts up for those who are still helped by them. <br />
<br />
You guys have been awesome. Thank you. Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-45385720769093295932013-12-31T18:20:00.001-05:002015-03-07T12:12:15.092-05:00Dropping a lineI've been falling behind on posting about stuff. What's been happening since thanksgiving? Mostly I've been working my butt off. I have a big article coming out in April that I've very excited about (Basically the main argument of my dissertation) and which I think may take my career to the next level, in which the media actually pays attention to my research. :) It is a big breakthrough in my subfield and overturns a couple of decades of research and common (wrong) beliefs in the general population. I'm working on a press release about my research, and have been talking to some friend of friends who work with the media a lot, about how to best frame my press release so my message gets through clearly. And a friend from middle school who is a journalist for a big newspaper. But there's been a lot of very short notice deadlines for that related to copy editing and reading over the page proofs.<br />
<br />
I talked to my parents a few weeks ago about a bunch of stuff. I was working on a new research project and some of my research is related to people who dissent (as part of studying social change). So I got curious whether my own personal experiences as a dissident matched some of my research, and ended up talking to both my parents about a lot of stuff that happened in the past and that we went through. Too much to go into. I also think I have been building up to this and finally had out a bunch of things that we never talk about and that it pisses me off that we never talk about. And in the process found out my mom has some bizarro twisted view of reality that has little to do with mine. But some highlights:<br />
<br />
1. My mom claims the letter she sent me before my wedding about how we can never have a real relationship if I marry my husband was not a letter disowning me but she was "warning me" about what people like my aunt would end up doing<br />
<br />
2. I expressed to my mother how mad I am about the way my Aunt is treating her and how ungrateful I think she is being considering everything my mother has done for her and her kids. She started to defend her, and I made clear this was not about religion, it was about being a decent human being. I think she had never even considered what a bitch her sister is being to her and I made clear to her that I think her sister is an ungrateful bitch who doesn't deserve a sister who has done half the things my mom has done for her. I don't think she had ever considered that perspective. <br />
<br />
3. I also basically told her that I don't think me and her are that different, that we are both very passionate people, who, when we believe things, feel we have to live our lives according to them. The problem is we believe different things- she believes that judaism is true and i don't. But we are both living according to our beliefs, no mater what the consequences (so we are both kind of dissidents in that respect). And it's not that we don't care about each other, it's that we think living according to our beliefs is the most important.<br />
<br />
I think my mom has thought all this time that I am not being religious because I hate her, or am rebellious, or I think she is dumb. But I expressed to her that none of those things are true. That I am not religious because I just don't believe it's true. Which is something we have never ever talked about. <br />
<br />
I also told her some stories that I think have influenced why I didn't believe it was true- like that for me, the reason I thought it was true was because I was trusting that rabbis were passing down information and then i got screwed over by a school rabbi/principal in first grade, Rabbi Goldstein, who forced me to lie and say a teacher had not hit me, which made me realize he was a fucking liar. He was the head of the yeshiva I went to, Yeshiva of North Jersey, so the head of the "School of jewish thought" I was being indoctrinated into, who was basically saying to take things he said in his big assemblies on faith.<br />
<br />
My high school principal Mrs. Bak was like that woman in harry potter who wears
all pink and has kitty plates, who reveled in publicly humiliating me
because she could never answer my tough questions. As did many teachers
in my high school. <span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[10cum].[1][3][1]{comment10101056289963247_8197326}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[10cum].[1][3][1]{comment10101056289963247_8197326}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[10cum].[1][3][1]{comment10101056289963247_8197326}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]">In Bat Torah once I challenged a GPA policy that prevented a very responsible friend who had been stage manager of the school play</span><span data-reactid=".r[10cum].[1][3][1]{comment10101056289963247_8197326}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[2]"> from running for school president, by arguing to the principal that
only allowing honors students to run for school government gave us a
student government that didn't represent the students of our school. I
got sent to the teacher's lounge where a teacher asked me what I wanted
to do as a grown up and when I answered (that I wanted to be a musician, which was my ambition at the time- I started off college as a music major, and my flute teacher had been encouraging me to apply to juliard in high school), she screamed at me in front of
everyone that I would always be a failure in life, and I should just shut
up and give up, because I would always fail at anything I tried. I gotta
say, my desire to prove that bitch wrong got me through some dark days
in grad school...and she is now the head of the Michlalah school in
Israel. Devorah Rosenwasser.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
I couldn't trust Pia, the head of my sleepaway camp Sternberg, to know what she was talking about, because even though
she knew all these great ancient jewish songs, and we learned some neat
jewish crafts, she kicked me out of Sternberg my second summer after
falsely accusing me of cutting open the counselor's suitcase because I
was the bunk 'troublemaker', because I was always going hiking into the
woods during rest hour instead of sitting in my bunk gossiping with the
other girls and the counselor didn't like that. What I was doing was
hiking across this awesome stream to this clearing I found where I built a little tent out of branches and ferns,
where I would go hang out and read books by myself. I always loved going on random
adventures, and still do- at home I biked to go hiking in the woods in a
nature preserve near my house, and my parents had led me to believe
that this was something I would do in sleepaway camp, so I just went out and did it during rest hour, which infuriated my counselors (because they thought it was dangerous probably). My dad also sent
me some matches because he thought I would actually be camping out at
some point (we did a couple of times, but in pre-built tents). These two
things got me labelled a troublemaker, so when someone cut open my couselor's
suitcase, I got accused, and nobody would believe I wasn't lying about
it. So I couldn't trust them to know the difference between a truth teller and a liar. So how could I trust them when they said religion was right? ("Them" could easily also include my parents come to think of it).<br />
<br />
And then when the rabbi of my shul, Rabbi Yudin, who I always trusted, and who was friends with my parents and the dad of my good friend growing up (so he was like a second dad to me- I saw him in his bathrobe eating shabbas breakfast after sleepovers as a young child) started protecting a fucking child molester (Baruch Lanner) who had kicked my ex boyfriend in the balls several times, which only me and my ex knew at the time as far as I know (he was never one of the public victims). I was just like "Fuck this guy, he don't know shit." My rabbi supporting a child molester was just the final straw.
Because at that point, he was the only rabbi or authority figure in my life left who I thought might
have any good judgement at all. And he most definitely didn't. <br />
<br />
And once I didn't have the rabbis to give me trust that it was correct,
I started looking for some other proofs. And couldn't find them. That's when I went from being secretly OTD and not breaking shabbas,
after experimenting and finding that god didn't strike me down as a
teen, to openly OTD. That's when I went from trying to live within the "spirit of the law" like playing video games on shabbas because that is what I do to relax, to writing papers on shabbas even though it was work. That's when I went from eating vegetarian food without a hashgacha, to eating non kosher meat and not keeping the torah at all. It was when I went from thinking that some rabbi's had it wrong but it was pretty much a good religion, to thinking it was all bullshit, and that even the well meaning nice rabbis and people were misguided and wrong about it. That's when I realized you didn't have to be a bad or a dumb person to be duped by religion, just like my Rabbi, who was not a bad or a dumb person, was duped by a child molester and abuser. And religion. Suddenly he was all too human to me. <br />
<br />
My mother never knew any of this stuff, because I never had an open
relationships with her, because I was always afraid of her judgement (and rightly so, as I pointed out to her). But to her religion was never about the rabbis (it was about her family's mesorah). <br />
<br />
And what I didn't add was that I started looking more into religious proofs, because I couldn't trust the rabbi I grew up with, or the principal of my school in elementary or high school or my teachers. And then all I found when I looked for proof the religion was true was the documentary hypothesis, and nechemya perek 8 where
ezra "reteaches" the tanach (destroying the kuzari proof) and the Cohen
Godol (jewish high priest) who magically "Found" the book of vayikra. Eventually, when I went to other jewish communities, and couldn't find a group of people or a marriage partner who agreed with my radical leftist political values in which I wasn't even the slightest little bit a sexist and racist, I eventually gave up on all jews entirely and stopped keeping even the holidays. I didn't tell my mom or dad this stuff in quite as much detail. I don't know that I want to destroy their faith the way mine has been destroyed, because they like the community. Plus they themselves are pretty sexist and racist, and they don't like when I point it out to them (which I do every time they are, since I was a teen). But once you know it's fake, if you are a person of principle, like I know my parents are, you can't go on living that way. And even though I'm not sure I could convince them judaism is not true, I don't really even want to risk doing that to them unless they come to me asking about it. Their careers and social lives are built on their religion, and they like the community. <br />
<br />
4. My mom apparently thought I was some weird pathological messed up liar as a teenager. Because I was constantly being caught lying to them. Because I was trying to hide the fact that I was secretly not religious and had secret boyfriends they would not approve of because I knew she wasn't about to let me go off to spend weekends hooking up in hotels with my boyfriends, and I figured she would hate me for not being religious and dating boys she clearly disproved of because they were never religious, like me (I always dated other OTDers). Which kind of came true. Plus all these other incidents where I got accused of lying because I saw through bullshit, or would not back down when I was abused by someone, or got accused of messed up things when they happened, because I refused to just fit in and do things I thought were stupid. And I was a weirdo who liked reading in the woods (ha, that so describes me now as well). But I explained to her that that whole time I was secretly OTD and that was why she was always catching me sneaking around, and that she and my dad are actually the only two people I have ever lied to, and it was mostly about being a horny teenager and wanting to date boys. And I didn't do any of these things I was accused of doing, and was not lying about that. And that I actually hate liars (due to all these experiences). And I don't think she has ever considered our history in that light before either. <br />
<br />
5. I talked to my dad about a whole bunch of different things me and my brothers went through as kids because people in our family didn't really care what other people thought - like for instance, my little brother wore a tuxedo to school for an entire year as a kid (and got really bullied for it) because he really liked them. Now he works at a job requiring a lot of fancy uniforms and has a side job doing musical stuff where he dresses in fancy tuxedos frequently. In retrospect I think that was about him wanting to be like my dad, who he saw wearing a suit to work all the time. He just thought that was what men did when they left the house- they wore a suit. Ha. My dad interpreted this as me reminiscing about the past, and I was like "Hey, that's what normal families do. It's nice, aye?"<br />
<br />
So in a word: PROGRESS! Massive progress. Saying things that needed to be said and clearing up misconceptions that have been around for 17+ years.<br />
<br />
There are several misconceptions they have about B too. They say they can't get any read on him. I know it's because B hates them after the way they have treated the two of us (and especially me) for the past 7 years, and they have poisoned their relationship. So he is afraid of saying anything around them, because he is afraid he will tell them what he really thinks, and he knows I want to get along with them. Meanwhile I pointed out that they are not themselves around him either. Another thing they had never considered. <br />
<br />
Some day I'm going to break it to them that when you reject people because they weren't born to the right vagina, and ask them to get a quicky fake conversion just for the sake of being a "jew," and then won't even meet them when they don't do it despite the fact that they are marrying your daughter, and refuse to go to your daughter's wedding, when everyone knows if his mom was jewish none of this would be an issue, it comes off as super racist and bigoted to most normal human beings. And that when you don't come to weddings, and act like a bitch to your daughter, her husband doesn't feel kindly towards you. But somehow in a nice way.<br />
<br />
I actually think I will one day have to take more of a stand on this. That day will probably be when my brother gets married to his girlfriend (Who he lives with- she is awesome and not jewish). My parents know about her and have already said they will not come to the wedding. That was their first reaction to finding out he has had a secret girlfriend for 3 (now 3.5 or 4?) years that he is terrified of telling them about, and they had moved in together. But if they are going to be like that, really, how am I supposed to let them get to close to C? So they can not come to her wedding when she inevitably marries someone who isn't jewish? So that is when I will make my stand. And if not, they can know her as well as B knows his dad's dad- they met for the 5th or 6th time at his dad's funeral, and it didn't even occur to us to invite him to our wedding. <br />
<br />
But meanwhile, progress for now, and hopefully things for my parents to think on. And next June we plan to drive up there- all 3 of us. I invited my parents to come to the bronx zoo with me, B and C. So far no response. We're staying at my OTD brother's place (with his now not secret GF). <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
We all went to the midwest for christmas. It was out first christmas
without my father in law, which was a little bit sad. But C's first christmas, and
our first christmas with our new brother in law being married and
officially "in the family" which was nice. My mother in law finally purchased a bed for the second bedroom, now that everyone can sleep with our partners. Ha! C was showered with
presents. All 5 of
the adults played a few nerdy rounds of Munchkin, which we bought for my brother in law for christmas. Like intense all night games for 3 nights in a row.
Yay for new brother in law nerds!<br />
<br />
We used to have a christmas eve tradition of appetizers that my father
in law always put together, but this year we went out for chinese food
and watched a movie. which is kind of my christmas tradition from when I
was younger- I used to have a christmas eve jew open house party at my parent's house (without their knowledge) when I was a teenager and young 20something and my parents went away for christmas for vacation every year. Later I hosted similar parties at my apartment in Philadelphia before I started celebrating christmas for real with my husband. My friends from back home in NJ would come down to visit for christmas or new years, one year my best friend from back home (the boy I met the night before my 15th birthday, the first OTD I ever met who introduced to me the idea that it was even possible to go OTD) came to visit, and we want to get chinese in chinatown with a bunch of friends and then went to see the Life Aquatic at the indie movie theater in philly. Another year he brought a couple of other OTDers with him. A couple of years these visits ended with going to a hotel hippie party and show with a bunch of our friends. One year it coincided with chanukah and we fried up a bunch of latkes to bring with us. <br />
<br />
B and I have decided our christmas tradition is going to be
christmas eve chinese food and a movie, presents christmas morning, and
dinner in the afternoon. And then we'll have appetizer new years, where
we will try new foods (as per our rosh hashana tradition). Tonight we
are trying two types of caviar (I've never tried either) 2 new types of
cheese (Champagne cheddar and fontina) and 2 types of champagne. We're
having "2013s": Champagne with strawberry-white cranberry ocean spray. C
is having a bottle and night 2 of sleep training. <br />
<br />
B got into a minor fender bender with C while in the car today, so it's like 2013 is giving us a little "fuck you" kick on they way out. But this was an epic year. <span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Pregnancy,
the loss of my father in law in January, the June o' 5 paper
submissions, not being able to walk most of the summer, C entering the world on July 26th, learning how to be a parent, and a new
brother in law in October. I went on trips to Wilmington NC, Asheville
NC, Atlanta, St. Louis, and Indiana. I stepped foot in Tennessee,
Kentucky, <span class="text_exposed_show">Missouri, Georgia, Virginia, West Virginia,
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, North Carolina, </span></span><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">and South Ca<span class="text_exposed_show">rolina </span></span>. Only one new
publication came out this year (an encyclopedia entry) but my favorite article (based on the main thesis of my dissertation) finally got accepted for publication after
many years and revisions (I've been working on that paper since 2007!) and I just sent back the final page proofs. I finally successfully grew a pumpkin (but
just one) and was able to eat my first homegrown asparagus, blueberries,
meyer lemon and saffron from my perennials.<br /><br />2014 will be the year of toddlers, blackberries, more asparagus, research, beach trips, zoo trips, and more. Happy new years!</span></span><br />
<br />Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-79634900222132142022013-11-28T08:00:00.000-05:002013-11-28T09:08:20.293-05:00Thanksgivikkah Holiday Ambivalence. On facebook I've been talking to a friend about growing up not celebrating christmas, and the cultural ambivalence that she feels comes with celebrating it as a result. Also about the torment she always felt in December from her parents (Highly educated muslim immigrants from India- her dad is a professor) who kinda let her do some christmas things but mostly didn't let her do them, and doesn't like her celebrating christmas now. <br />
<br />
My response: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24112965}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24112965}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24112965}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24112965}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0].[0]">Is
the torment because you didn't/don't celebrate Christmas? I didn't
either as a kid, and I'm ridiculously into it nowadays (when I celebrate
with my husband's family). Same thing with Halloween (didn't celebrate
it as a kid, love it now). But I alwa</span></span><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24112965}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24112965}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24112965}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[3].[0].[0]">ys
super loved thanksgiving cause it was the only holiday we celebrated as
a kid that all the "normal" kids celebrated...so the only time a year I
felt that kind of group solidarity you get from doing the same unusual
thing everyone else in the country is doing, that's just not the same
when it's only your small subgroup doing it and everyone looks at you
like you're weird.</span></span></span></span></span></blockquote>
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]">I get that cultural ambivalence too and it is 90,000 times worse now
that I have a kid. Especially since for me culture and religion are
so closely tied together that it is hard to separate what I might want
to pass on (culture- but not all of it) from what I don't (religion, the
sexism/xenophobia/tribal bullshit, the fact that a good large wing of her family
including her great aunt </span></span></span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]">and great grandparents </span></span></span>and to some degree her own grandparents think she is something
to be ashamed of because her father isn't jewish, and that like half
her second cousins don't know she exists as a result). I mean we are
100% for sure celebrating christmas with her (I've celebrated christmas
every year for the past 7 years with my in laws) but what do we pass on
from my side? And do we celebrate things like easter, which seem very
religious to me, but to my husband was just a holiday involving
chocolate and a fun egg hunt that he did as a kid? </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]">In a way it's like
the opposite of my friend's problem- she is still ambivalent about
celebrating christmas and wanting to keep her parent's cutlure, I love christmas and am ambivalent about my parent's culture. For
instance my parents just sent me a bunch of channukah stuff for Calliope. It's funny- when I was a kid one thing I always resented around christmas time was my parents would always say that we couldn't get gifts for channukah, that people who did that were just "trying to be like the goyim" (non jews) so they would give us a very impersonal 20 dollar bill for chanukah. But now that they have a granddaughter, and jewish culture is competing with secular culture. Or maybe as they must view it, it's them vs. my mother in law, who they met right after C was born a few months ago, and who is super awesome and nice, so pretty hard to compete with just as a person, especially given the way they have treated us in the past. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]"> So here's my awesome mother in law with christmas, showering gifts on my daughter (as she most definitely will cause she's a grandma!) while if they don't send her channukah gifts, it's not like B and I are going to go out of her way to get her anything. Especially in my case, having been taught by my parents that doing this is just a way to try to compete with christmas, and has nothing to do with the holiday at all. And also to be honest, how many gifts around december time does one kid need? We're not huge into consumeryness as it is, Christmas we tend to get more personal things, like last year we gave my FIL a framed photo of our ultrasound, I think my MIL who loves tea and snowman got a nice unique snowman mug made by some local pottery crafts people in our area, my brother and sister in law got this beer they love that you can only get in the south, my SIL and MIL both got these awesome wire wrapped amethyst necklace pendents that my husband made out of stones we dug out of a local mine, stuff like that. Which reminds me, we need to start getting on that stuff for this year. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]">Anyways I was
super not careful about this stuffed dreidel they sent us even though
the dogs eat everything stuffed they get their hands on...and they ate
it not surprisingly they ate the handle off, so not it's more of a ball than a dreidel (and not safe for babies cause stuffing is falling out). And now I'm like "Was that some unconscious passive
aggressive thing on my part because I don't want my daughter playing
with a stuffed dreidel and getting to like jewish culture?"</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAxf-uNJdTN6cZ0_e8ElRdZJ9kenMMra2tUAHzcMIS1wHXvrhAl0sAjBXzpInoeaet5R6NZTnVSKN2luQOZkUOcohaJ5EX5ZldLoKCta4FShepu9yBrt-085NKfP-797BGNl5MmBlMMak/s1600/IMG_0306.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAxf-uNJdTN6cZ0_e8ElRdZJ9kenMMra2tUAHzcMIS1wHXvrhAl0sAjBXzpInoeaet5R6NZTnVSKN2luQOZkUOcohaJ5EX5ZldLoKCta4FShepu9yBrt-085NKfP-797BGNl5MmBlMMak/s320/IMG_0306.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baby's first jewish cultural indoctrination: The dreidel toy shortly before it's death</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span></span></span><br />
In addition to the dreidel toy they sent us a whole bunch of (not judaism related) baby books, a big plastic dreidel filled with chocolate coins (For the grownups I'm assuming), a foam menorah baby toy that she is too young to play with (it says age 3+), and a bib that says "Baby's first channukah" that I took pictures of her wearing yesterday morning but feel ambivalent about her wearing today. Also 2 books about chanukah- one that I remember from when I was a kid that's about a girl who has the same first name as me (same copy) and one that is a baby pop up book about the holiday. I read through it and it doesn't seem to have anything offensive, it mostly talks about the tradition, the only thing about the history is that judah the macabee defeated the greeks which I guess is technically historically accurate? But I haven't read it to her and I'm not sure that I will. <br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]">Meanwhile I called my mom a couple of nights ago- first time I called her directly in probably over a year. And we talked for a while. Mostly I called her because after driving 13 hours each way to my sister in law's wedding last month (which we still haven't unpacked from), we've decided to spend Thanksgiving at home with just the 3 of us, making our first ever family holiday. And I wanted some of my mom's recipes because if we're going to start making our own family traditions, I want to make my mom's thanksgiving stuffing dammit (I also wanted to make chestnuts but for some reason the store only had the ones in jars). Anyway me and my dad are supposed to skype later this morning and she reminded me 3 or 4 times to make sure it's not "too late" ie. when my bitch aunt is probably going go be there. Awesome. </span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]"><br /></span></span></span>
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]">I feel like if my aunt was dead, or a little less of a bitch, oh and I guess my grandfather would probably have to stop being such a jerk in this scenario too, B and C and I would all be up in NJ right now, celebrating our daughters first thanksgiving AND chanukah. Or at the very least, we would be skyping much later today, when everyone is over, so that my grandparents (who don't own a computer) could at least see their new great granddaughter. Who in this scenario, would be happy to see her. The way last month, her great grandmother on B's side was super happy to meet her, and during my sister in law's wedding, C was passed around by her grandmother, great grandmother and all her great aunts all night so B and I could have a night off of getting tipsy. The way normal families behave when a new member joins in. Fortunately B also has a big family, although I wish we lived closer to them. After the wedding last month, I'm seriously contemplating going on the job market again next year and making another run at finding a job in the midwest for 2015. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[o7lg].[1][3][1]{comment10102579324220488_24113844}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]">Last night as I watched my facebook page light up with pictures of all my jewish friends who have had babies this year, for a minute I seriously contemplated </span></span></span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[50pfe].[1][3][1]{comment10152065897332760_10152066896272760}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3]"><span data-reactid=".r[50pfe].[1][3][1]{comment10152065897332760_10152066896272760}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[50pfe].[1][3][1]{comment10152065897332760_10152066896272760}.[0].{right}.[0].{left}.[0].[0].[0][3].[0].[0]">going up into the attic, where I think my
old menorah is- in some box I imagine my great great grandchildren finding one day and being like "OMG we didn't know our great great grandmother the famous sociologist was also a jew! - and digging it out to light for my daughter's
first chanukah or whatever. But talking to my mother reminded me that I really do not want to get my daughter into a religion that makes her own family
treat her like a pariah. Hence my ambivalence. </span></span></span>Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-11807263104025498252013-11-22T20:56:00.000-05:002013-11-23T08:05:12.079-05:00OTD mom realization of the dayThe love I feel for my daughter has something in common with the love I feel for my husband, and the love I felt for 1 or 2 past boyfriends, that it does not have in common with any way I ever remember feeling towards my parents. <br />
<br />
I think it's been so long since I've truly loved my parents that I can't even remember what it felt like. I can't remember any time that I didn't feel hurt by them, they've been douching it up since I was around 14 because of religion (which is when I first started going OTD) and now I'm 31. I always was desperate for them to love me and be nice to me, but I don't think I ever genuinely liked them and wanted to be around them at the same time. Like the way I always want to hang out with B and C. I haven't been to my parents house (a place I no longer call "home") in over 5 years now, and even when I was going there, I was always leaving as quickly as I could to avoid them as much as possible<br />
<br />
My dad has actually been super cool lately compared to what he is normally like, and is warm again in a way that is vaguely reminiscent of the relationship I can at this point barely remember us having before I was a teenager...but he is still distant and douchey in some ways because of religion every once in a while. My mom is just distant, the last time I talked to her was when they were here when C was 3 weeks old (She is now 17 weeks old). Maybe I will suggest to my dad that we skype on Thanksgiving or something (although maybe they will be having a big party of all the people who don't know C exists so they won't want to skype with us). This Thanksgiving will be 2 years since me and my mom supposedly 'reconciled' when I called her after 3 years of not talking.Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-10950905193010183052013-11-08T09:41:00.001-05:002013-11-08T12:15:03.036-05:00Advice to women about to have their first babyAs of today C is 15 weeks old! This week was a very exciting week in C-ville. On Tuesday she came with us to vote in her first election (well, I chose the candidates, but she helped push the button that said "vote"!). And then when we came home from elections, I put her down on the floor for some tummy time, and she flipped over for the first time! It was crazyness! Both me and B saw it, which was awesome. One minute I was looking at the back of her head, the next minute I could see her face! And then she did it 3 more times in a row- we managed to get a video of the 4th time (Seen here) which was the first time she flipped over to the right instead of the left. After the 4th time that day she just started crying hysterically when we put her back on her belly, but she's turned over around 4 more times total in the 2 days since then. She also pretty much started laughing this week, and B spent about 10 minutes yesterday making faces at her so she would laugh. Speaking of B, today is his 30th birthday!! Yay! I'm no longer hooking up with a 20-something undergrad at my college (since B goes to my college now and is in a post-bacc program there)!<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/88s7LpEWznc?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe>Two weeks ago B's sister got married in St. Louis. With C it took us about 13 hours to drive each way (We decided driving would be a better idea than flying with a 3 month old), but she was surprisingly chill in the car the whole time. The day after we got back she had a meltdown every time she had to go in the carseat though. It was a really lovely non-religious ceremony. Me and the groom (now my brother in law) got to talking about how when I met B's sister she was working in a church, and it was interesting how their ceremony was completely not religious- and he was like "yeah when I first met her she was working for a church too, and that's why we didn't start dating until many years later!" Ha! The more I learn about my new brother in law (who I've only met 5-6 times at this point) the more I think we will get along. :)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1451522_10100964184124087_2082396429_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1451522_10100964184124087_2082396429_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
While we were there C also took a trip to the St Louis zoo with her second cousin, whose name also starts with a C come to think of it. :) They were freakin adorable together, with cousin C constantly kissing her on the cheek and trying to hold her hand all day. It makes me sad we don't live in the midwest so C can spend more time with her second cousins, since she has no first cousins yet, and her other second cousins (on my side) either live in Israel, or are part of the group of cousins in NYC who apparently are not allowed to know she exists. Maybe I will apply to some jobs in the midwest next year again..I'd only move for a job that was as good or better than the one I have now in terms of salary and research productivity (I'm at an R2, would move to another R2 or an R1 but not down to a non-research focused university) but if I could find a job like that in the midwest that would probably be ideal. Ideal for C at least, I hate the cold and love the warm weather down here, but I could probably sacrifice the awesome weather/long growing season and our sweet house if C could grow up closer to her cousins..as long as I didn't have to sacrifice my career too. :) It's probably just speculation anyway, the chance of getting a job at a university that is as good as mine that ALSO is right near B's family is pretty small at this point given that there are a very limited number of schools of that caliber, and most are not hiring sociologists at all, let alone sociologists in my specific subfield- there are probably less than 5 jobs that fit that criteria (hiring someone like me/as good as or better than my school in terms of salary/research productivity) that are posted nationally each year.<br />
<br />
Speaking of C's second cousins, yes I send that letter to my aunt (her great aunt). And my aunt never wrote back. But I also CCed a copy to my dad, and it led to us having a very honest and open conversation about how me getting married has affected all of us, and how a lot of that is the fault of my douchey aunt who wants to keep me and my husband a secret from her kids and grandkids. It turns out my aunt made my mom cry by basically saying something similar to her (she can't tell my cousins about me getting married/having a kid) and I think in a way that's gotten my dad much more on our 'side.' It's ridiculous that my aunt is making people choose 'sides' at all. But whatever, if she wants to be a bitch that's her problem. I grew up not knowing a whole bunch of my second cousins very well for various geographic/family fight issues, so C can too I guess. Sigh. <br />
<br />
Anyway getting back to the original point of this blog post, which was that I also saw B's cousin N at the wedding, who is expecting her first child in January. And we got to talking as new moms/about to be new moms do, all about the experience of giving birth and having a new kid. Which made me think it might be nice to share some tips I have for new moms, based on my recent experiences as an "experienced" (ha!) mom of a 3 month old. <br />
<br />
-----------------------------------------<br />
<b>Advice to women about to have their first baby</b><br />
<br />
<b>Regarding the birth: </b><br />
Don't be too obsessed with any birth plan you come up with, cause things will change on the ground. My birth plan was "avoid an epidural as much as possible, must ask B at least 3 times to get one, avoid an IV until medically necssary (I have something called a "hep lock/saline lock"for the first two hours I was in the hospital, which is where they put the needle in your arm but don't hook you up to an IV- that way it's there if they need it, but you aren't hooked up to a bunch of wires at first), donate cord blood if possible."<br />
<br />
Before I gave birth I was a bit obsessed with the idea of having a natural birth and learned all sorts of breathing/pain management techniques to avoid pain meds. I also was secretly terrified of having an epidural- my birth class teacher made it seem really scary by describing huge needles going into your spine, etc. At the same time, I think it was this kind of 'macho' (ladies version) idea I had- that I could tough it out, that I could give birth without any pain meds and come out the other end being like "I did it! I didn't need meds! I'm awesome!" Hey, I have gotten around 8 piercings over the years, and I thought those hurt a lot, I used to donate blood on a regular basis which requires lots of needles, I think of myself as a tough lady, so I thought I could totally deal with it. I went into labor 90% sure I would not have an epidural. Even when we got the hospital (after 34 hours of labor) and they asked if I wanted one (they were not pushy at all despite scary movies telling you all hospital staff is evil) I turned them down at first. Eventually I got it, and girl, it was AWESOME. I went from rocking back and forth in pain not being able to talk,panting/moaning incoherently , having 10 minute contractions, to getting the epidural (which didn't hurt at all) to blogging, calling my parents to tell them I was in labor, and even trying to take a nap! (although I didn't really succeed cause I was too excited to sleep). I think it was good to wait as long as I could take it so I could progress as far as I did on my own (6 centimeters) but don't feel bad if you have one, they are great.<br />
<br />
By the way, the epidural takes around 10 minutes to kick in, and lying down makes it kick in faster, even if it hurts (I couldn't lie down at first for around 3 minutes after I got it because I was still having super painful contractions and it hadn't kicked in yet). Strangely, after you give birth you remember being in pain but the memory of what it felt like went away really quickly, like some kind of strange amnesia..i can remember being in pain but not really what it felt like anymore. <br />
<br />
Get an ipad/smart phone app for timing your contractions and time them when you first think you are going into labor. Don't call the doctor until they are 5 minutes on average for at least 1-2 hours or you are in so much pain that you feel like you have to go. The doctor will say 5 minutes *regularly* but my contractions never got regular, even when I was in the hospital after my water had broken. I had false labor 3 times where I was sure I was in labor but my contractions stayed around 12 minutes apart (by the way there are no such thing as fake contractions- they are all real contractions, just some space out, and when you are actually in labor they get closer together and more painful). Then when I actually went into labor my contractions were 12-30 minutes apart for around 14 hours before getting 12 minutes apart for like 8 hours...I didn't end up feeling in enough pain to go to the doctor until around 30 hours after first starting to have contractions.I would say to put off going to the hospital as long as possible. <br />
<br />
Definitely eat something before you go to the hospital because once you are there they won't let you eat anything real- at my hospital they had like clear broth and ices and juice but that was it. But you'll probably want something light because you'll be having contractions and feeling kinda nauseous. The first day I was in labor I ate normally and had a somewhat light dinner (IIRC it was spinach and cheese quessadillas with guacamole). Right before I went to the hospital I had a muffin and a strawberry/banana/kefir/OJ smoothie.<br />
<br />
Definitely get the mirror when you're giving birth. You don't want to miss seeing that, it's only a once or twice in a lifetime opportunity for most of us, and even though it's gross, it's freakin amazing.<br />
<br />
The birth is only 1 day, don't think about it so much that you forget to plan for what happens afterwards (like a wedding!) <br />
<br />
<b>Things to do prior to giving birth: </b><br />
Definitely make some easily re-heatable food and freeze it so that when you get back from the hospital you have something easy and hearty to eat in between/after when people bring you food. I know some people who just make double of everything they cook for the month before they give birth and freeze the second one, and that's not a bad idea if you have the freezer space and time. I have limited freezer space, but I made about a gallon of broccoli cheddar soup and a few pounds of meatballs that could easily be reheated + a bunch of stuffed shells that just needed to be sauced and stuck in the oven. Also stock up on things that you can eat when you have 2 seconds in between the baby crying and crying again, like granola bars /protein bars and maybe those protein/smoothie drinks, because there will be times that you are starving (nursing makes you starving) and have nothing easy to make and you'll want something. I was not well prepared for this and ended up eating a ton of ice cream bars because they were high calorie and I could eat them really quickly...and I gained back basically all the weight I lost from giving birth in the month or two after giving birth. <br />
<br />
If people ask if you want handmedowns, say yes, even if they are boys clothes (baby girls like blue too!)! If people offer to throw you a baby shower, say yes! If people ask if you need help with anything after the birth, really, say, "yes, I would love to see you a week or two after giving birth, maybe you can stop by to visit for around an hour, and i wouldn't be upset if you brought along some food with you." It's weird to ask for help, but ask for it. Ask for food especially. Right after birth people might pop up asking if they could come by and if they can bring anything (Random work colleagues, other moms especially). Say yes, always ask for food if they ask if they can bring anything, and schedule people bringing food to come every 2-3 days because you will probably have leftovers and you don't want those to build up (plus you don't want to have too many visitors at first).<br />
<br />
Buying all the stuff you need for new babies can be overwhelming. Have a recent mom friend look over your baby registry (and definitely register- people will want to buy you stuff.I used this list of things to register for: <a href="http://www.lucieslist.com/" target="_blank">http://www.lucieslist.com/ </a>
. I especially recommend the velcro swaddlers- get the 4-6 month size
because you can use them as early as 2 months, and before that they are
small enough to swaddle in a small baby blanket like the kind they have
at the hospital.<br />
<br />
Don't register for clothing since you'll get more than enough of that as gifts both before and after you give birth. Don't buy any newborn clothes if you can help it, you will probably get more than enough as gifs/handmedowns, and newborns don't need too many clothing changes because they can't really move without you holding them, and they don't drool that much yet. If you do end up needing to buy any clothes, shop consignment- it's not worth the money to buy new clothes that they will only wear 3 times before they grow out of it, when there is perfectly good clothes for sale that have only been worn 3 times! Footie pajamas with zippers, not snaps, are the best for cold weather, short sleeves onesies and later rompers are great for warm weather. Remember they will be different sizes at different seasons so buy things of the appropriate season. <br />
<br />
Every mom I know swears by the ergo baby carrier. We didn't bother with the newborn insert- we used a rolled up blanket (here's a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Czeb3e4WD4" target="_blank">Video</a> that shows you how) We did get this before giving birth and used it when she was around 2 weeks old to go on walks to the park. Speaking of which, don't overdo it too much right after giving birth- that walk to the park when she was 2 weeks old was too much and I couldn't walk for like a day afterwards. So we got that prior to her being born.<br />
<br />
You'll need more burp clothes than you think. Hold off on buying a lot of pacifiers and bottles until you figure out which types they like. Although do buy the large size bottles that plug into your breast pump (which you should also get before giving birth) for storage of breast milk. <br />
<br />
<b>After birth/at the hospital: </b><br />
Breastfeeding is hard and there is a learning curve both for you and the baby since neither of you really knows what you are doing at first. if there is a lactation consultant at your hospital who talks to people right after giving birth, definitely have them come by, because you don't have any idea of what you're doing- I took a breastfeeding class and I still had no clue what I was doing when it came down to it. Also don't be afraid to call a lactation consultant just for reassurance- I did when C was making this weird lip smacking noise the first few weeks she nursed (The LC said it was fine as long as she was gaining weight, which she was, and she eventually stopped).<br />
<br />
They have this water spray bottle thing at the hospital- fill it with warm water and spray it on yourself while you are peeing. If you have to get stiches (like I did) they will sting really badly if you pee without diluting the pee with water at the same time. But you only have to do that for a few days, it heals really quickly.<br />
<br />
In the hospital they will probably be stingy with the giant after birth sanitary pads/ice packs/disposable underwear. Definitely hide some away in your suitcase and ask for more, and if one nurse won't give you more ask another nurse. For some reason one of my nurses was super stingy with the ice pack sanitary pad things, but those are super awesome- I managed to get 4 to take home (and by then I didn't even really need them, they were just awesome). Also ask for a second bottle of the numbing spray they have to spray on yourself - definitely useful the first couple of days. Things HURT down there for the first few days after giving birth naturally, especially after the epidural wears off if you have one. :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>After you get home: </b><br />
If you are taking maternity leave and then going back to work after a
few months and hoping to do a mixture of pumping and breastfeeding (like
my cousin): Don't introduce bottles right away because they won't
breasfeed if you do, but do introduce them by around 3-5 weeks if you want them to take a bottle.
Introduce pacifiers around 3-4 weeks if you want them to use them (they
are a blessing and a curse- they are great for when they are young
before they can suck on their thumb, but them they get used to them and
scream if they fall out until you come and put them back in). The tommy
tippy bottle is good if they won't take a regular one at first. If you
use the same kind of bottle all the time at first they will probably
only drink from that kind of bottle, but if you vary the type of bottle
they might be more willing to drink from different kinds. Or they might
just prefer a specific type of bottle, so try different types if they
don't seem to like the first kind. Same for types of pacifiers
(silicone vs. latex, straight nipple vs. orthodontic nipples- C will
only use the ones that are latex with the not straight nipple)<br />
<br />
When you need to leave the house (Which you'll have to do almost immediately after you get home to go see a doctor) plan to start getting ready to leave 20 minutes earlier than you used to. Maybe even 30 minutes at first<br />
<br />
Watch this <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWQ51099C24" target="_blank">video on baby language</a>. I was skeptical at first but it really is accurate and helped me figure out what my baby wants when she's crying<br />
<br />
The baby will have several growth spurts where she eats round the clock and you'll think you are running out of milk, but that's normal. C had an especially bad one at 8-9 weeks old. Think of this as the baby leveling up- at the end of each growth spurt you will either see them physically grow (suddenly clothes that were too big will fit, or with clothes that fit you can suddenly see their wrists/ankles) or they will learn to do something new. Around 4-6 weeks they will first start waking up and taking notice of the world and they can be very cranky during that time. <br />
<br />
Don't have guests over the first few weeks, unless they are bringing you food and staying for an hour or less. Don't have out of town/overnight guests over the first month and have them stay at a hotel, not in your house. The exception is close family members (parents) but they must first agree to help you- and helping doesn't mean holding the baby while you do a bunch of housework, it means doing the housework while you hold the baby and maybe holding the baby while you take a shower.<br />
<br />
Keep track of every gift you get and send a thank you card. A birth announcement with a handwritten thank you on the back works pretty well.<br />
<br />
There are websites where you can get weekly info about what stage your baby is at and what they should be doing that week. They are fun to read but don't feel bad if you fall behind cause it's very easy to do so.<br />
Here are some links:<br />
<a href="http://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/my-babys-here-now-what-do">http://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/my-babys-here-now-what-do</a><br />
<a href="http://www.babycenter.com/302_newborn_3658780.bc">http://www.babycenter.com/302_newborn_3658780.bc</a> <br />
<a href="http://pregnant.thebump.com/baby-month-by-month.aspx?MsdVisit=1">http://pregnant.thebump.com/baby-month-by-month.aspx?MsdVisit=1</a> <br />
<br />
Any tips to add readers? Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-14582473940042596562013-11-03T09:42:00.003-05:002013-11-03T21:02:22.197-05:0010 years<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3,"tn":"K"}"><span class="userContent">10
years ago right around this time of year, my life was in total flux. I
was living in NYC and in the process of applying to 10 different phd
programs all over the country, and had no idea where I would be living
the next year, let alone in the long term. That was right around when me
and my ex fiance, who I had been dating for 4 years, parted ways. I had
just been laid off from what turned out to be the last non-academic job
I would have, and had recently started working on my first paid
research gig, while finishing up my last year of college. I was just
starting to meet some of my hippie friends who I would turn out to spend
a lot of my 20s hanging out with, and right around then was when I
stopped keeping kosher altogether, after having only eaten kosher food
my entire life. I also 'came out' as no longer being orthodox jewish to
my family, and stopped attending orthodox services around that time. <br /> <br />
Since then, I moved to Philly, lived in a some horrible
apartments, had several questionable romantic entanglements, went to
around 25 music festivals and probably around 150-200 shows, grew
dreadlocks for a year, stopped being religious entirely, met my husband,
moved in with him, got married, somehow accumulated 2 dogs and 3 cats,
finished my phd, got a job as an assistant professor, moved to the South of all places, bought a sweet house, and a few years later had a
baby girl. <br /> <br /> What a long strange trip it's been...</span></span></span></h5>
<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3,"tn":"K"}"><span class="userContent"> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v162/lostreality/Picture_82.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v162/lostreality/Picture_82.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Webcam Selfie in my dorm room in Manhattan, around 10 years ago</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/995889_10151836884824823_1636974844_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/995889_10151836884824823_1636974844_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Halloween 2004 with a friend from grad school,on a weekend trip to the NYC Halloween Parade</div>
</span></span></span></h5>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5IuV5NhIMKxVCQ3I6hRxH6FgWCDGjICkK3D3aFiKTDp4vqSVXwgihcMf64i_Zu3rlIA3-Z1z6DZZFkBHcnqPG7gJFbsOoDAdUlsdOt-QEVZDCdDC54t9qxO32GgbAWLfkBtgx33cqrQY/s320/IMG_0214.jpg" width="240" /><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3,"tn":"K"}"><span class="userContent"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1422610_10100966029171597_58828056_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1422610_10100966029171597_58828056_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3,"tn":"K"}"><span class="userContent"> Halloween 2013</span></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3,"tn":"K"}"><span class="userContent"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/50_515333136107_8569_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/50_515333136107_8569_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3,"tn":"K"}"><span class="userContent">Me with dreadlocks and my friends N and J at the Gathering of the Vibes music festival at around 3am after drinking several mojitos, NY, August 2006</span></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1383734_10100941572318327_137992573_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1383734_10100941572318327_137992573_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3,"tn":"K"}"><span class="userContent">Me and J after both being up at 3am the night before trying to put our kids (aged 3 months and 11 months) back to sleep, my place, October 2013 </span></span></span></div>
Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-75959384968150539952013-10-04T11:31:00.002-04:002013-10-07T09:18:09.212-04:00Draft of response to Aunt E.telling me I must keep my husband/child a secretAnd now for another episode of "Ridiculously long emails I write and sometimes send to my family members to try to teach them to not be such douchebags!" It's been a while, amirite? This may change as I tweak it...<br />
---- <br />
<br />
Dear Aunt E.,<br />
<br />
This will be long but please read the whole thing and take at least a few days to think about it before deciding how to respond. <br />
<br />
First off, let me apologize. It was rude of me to not fill you in on my important family news over the past few years, and I'm sure you've had to find out about a lot of changes in my life through the grapevine. So let me catch you up on what I've been up to so that you can hear it straight from me.<br />
<br />
First, I am not religious anymore, and I haven't been for over a decade. I openly went "off the derech" when I was in my early 20s. This caused my parents a lot of heartache, which I felt really bad about, but ultimately after many many years of living a double life and trying to keep secret my true beliefs to protect their feelings, I was miserable about having to lie to my family and pretend I was doing something I wasn't.<br />
<br />
Yes, I am married. I got married a little over 4 years ago (May 2009) to a man named B. We got married in a small non-religious ceremony in a state park in Pennsylvania with about 20 of our closest friends and family members there. I'm sorry we didn't invite you- ultimately we didn't want to deal with the heartache of possible reactions like the one you just had while we were going through such a happy time, so we decided to not invite extended family. I'm sure you heard my parents didn't come to the wedding, and for a long time me and them were not on great terms, although we are talking and visiting more now that I have a baby. You see, my husband isn't jewish. Like me, he isn't religious at all. He grew up Catholic, and he also had a lot of fights with his family when he decided he didn't want to practice religion anymore, but they ultimately resolved their issues and have a relationship that is stronger than ever today. <br />
<br />
B is a great guy. He followed me down here to the south so I could get my dream job. Neither of us were super thrilled about moving to the south, but we like the how cheap everything is- we were able to buy an awesome 3 bedroom house in a great public school district- and we feel like it'll be a good and safe place to raise our kid(s). Right now B is back in school again in a post-bacc program, working on getting a teaching license to teach middle school science. He also does a ton of housework and changes almost all the baby's diapers which is awesome! :) We are very happy together and he is a great dad. <br />
<br />
Speaking of which, we also just had a baby! Her name is C. She is 10 weeks old today and really adorable. She has this kind of half smile sometimes which makes her look just like your son Y and when she frowns she looks just like Bobbi. :) She also has Zayde's (And your/my mom/my) eyes. Being a mom is amazing.<br />
<br />
Now as for your response to my email. When I read it, I was deeply hurt and very disappointed. B and I are sending out birth announcements to his family, and since there are plenty of people on my side of our family who are very happy for us, several of whom have sent us cards and gifts, I am sending announcements out to those people too. I thought it would be rude to send baby announcements to some cousins/aunts/uncles but not others, and I thought it would be a nice gesture to send them to cousins and my aunt and uncle (namely you and uncle A) who I have been out of touch with in a while.<br />
<br />
I didn't expect to find out that you had been keeping my marriage and child a secret from your children like I'm some sort of shameful pariah, just because I made some different life decisions than you did. It's not like I'm a murderer, I just married someone I love who follows the same religion as me (none) for goodness sakes, and having a child is always a happy thing. <br />
<br />
If you don't want to give me the contact information of your children of course I can't force you to give it to me. But how do you expect this to work in the long run? Do you think I will never see your children again, or keep my husband and child a secret when I do? Some day my brother E is going to get married (and he is still religious), are you going to keep your children from attending? Are you going to pressure my parents to make sure I'm not invited? What happens when chas v'shalom bobbi and zaidy pass away? And when my parents do? Am I supposed to not go to the funeral of my own grandparents and parents so your children won't find out about my secret husband and daughter and any future children I have? Should my children not attend their grandparent's funeral, or will you somehow keep all your kids from attending my parents'? Despite our differences in thought, we are still family, and even if you
try to sever ties with me, there is no way to actually do that. And
meanwhile you are putting all the rest of our family in an awkward
position where feelings are going to get hurt, by trying to keep this a secret. <br />
<br />
And how are your children going to feel when they find out that I am married and have a child then? What are you afraid is going to happen? It's not like their heads are going to explode
or they are going to throw off their hats and sheitels and run off with a
non jewish person or something. You should have a little more faith in
their ability to handle the truth. They will be surprised I'm sure, like L and another one of your other children were when I told them. I doubt they will be very hurt, unless they are hurt that I didn't tell them before, because your children are mentches, and there is no reason to be 'hurt' that another person has different religious beliefs than you, or that they are happily married and have an awesome child. There is also no possible way that finding out I am married to a non jewish person and have a child could hurt them a fraction as much as your response has hurt me. <br />
<br />
Do you think they will all be happy to find out that their mother decided that we could no longer have a relationship with each other? Because by refusing to give me their contact information, you are cutting off any relationship I can have with them. And yes, they are your children, but they are also my cousins, and we are all adults. My relationship with my cousins is independent of you, and I really don't think it's appropriate for you to be making that decision on our behalf at this age. Am I supposed to keep that a secret from them too, on the day they inevitably find out about my husband and child? <br />
<br />
Finally, even if you don't care about me and my family, I really wish you would consider the implications of your attitude for my mother, your sister, who I presume you care about. She cares about your opinion and I'm betting that she feels enormous pressure to distance herself from me and my family because of your attitude of trying to keep this all a secret. But I also know she wants to have a relationship with her only grandchild. You have 8, you can't let her enjoy her only 1 by turning this into some huge shameful secretive thing? Are you going to ask her to hide pictures of her only grandchild if your children come over to her house, instead of fawning over the pictures of her grandchild the way a sister should? Knowing my mother I bet she has done a ton of nice things for your children and grandchildren over the years. Have you even wished your sister mazel tov on becoming a grandmother? Or were you too busy trying to make her feel ashamed about it? The sad thing is I think she might come to believe you and feel like
this treatment of her, her daughter, and her granddaughter is warranted
or acceptable. She deserves better then that, and so do me and my daughter. <br />
<br />
I really think it would be better for the entire family if we just told everyone the truth now and got it over with, and then went back to being a happy family again (as much as we were before, anyway). Then your kids can decide for themselves how they want to react, and it
won't be a huge secret anymore, since the fact that it is a secret is
what is tearing our family apart and causing so much hurt feelings.<br />
<br />
Yes this is very difficult. It is difficult when your family turns their backs on you. It's difficult when the people you thought loved you, the people who helped raise you and who you spent countless hours with you throughout your childhood, distance themselves from you, and let you know that they will only love you "unconditionally" as long as you live a lifestyle that makes you miserable. It is difficult that even though I want my daughter to know about
her jewish heritage, your insistence on keeping her a secret may prevent
her from experiencing jewish holidays with my side of the family, since
you and my parents spend so many holidays together. It was difficult when my mother wrote me a letter disowning me, and it is difficult that even though we have reconciled to some degree, there is still a great distance between us, which you are helping to reinforce. It is difficult that every single time I have a major life event- when I got engaged, when I got married, when I had my first child - the times when decent people are happy for their relatives - I've had relatives popping up acting like I should be ashamed about it instead of celebrating with me. Can you imagine what it has been like to go through all that?<br />
<br />
But you know what? I am happy and proud of the life choices I have made. I have an awesome life, I have a great husband and a beautiful daughter, I own a great house and I have a successful career which I love, and I am happy with my life and the way I live it, and I will not for one second be ashamed of my happiness. The only thing I am ashamed of regarding my family are the people in it who don't know how to act like family members should, and who use religion as an excuse to be heartless and cruel. Do you really believe that God cares more about the
length of your skirt or the food you eat than about treating
your own flesh and blood family members with basic human decency, let
alone the respect and unconditional love they deserve, regardless of
what those family members believe or who they marry? Or who their daughters have married? I have many off the derech friends who are married to non jewish
people, and a lot of them have very good relationships with their
orthodox jewish family, even with families that are much more religious
than you. Why are their families able to stick together, I wonder, while ours seems to be falling apart?<br />
<br />
You are my Aunt and I guess part of me will always love you, but I could not be more hurt by your words. I truly hope you will reconsider your treatment of me and my family, and especially how that treatment impacts my mother, since in the end I think she is the one being most hurt by all of this. And if you choose to continue to go down this path, I hope that on the day that you inevitably meet my family, that you will do the right thing and keep any hateful words and sour expressions to yourself, especially around my daughter. <br />
<br />
Attached is a picture of your new great-niece. Mazel tov on the new addition to your family. <br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Abandoning Eden<br />
<br />
<span class="null">P.s. <span class="">The last time I saw P (at N's wedding)
she found out I was moving down south, and she begged me to
come back up North to come to her eventual wedding, and I promised her I
would. When I heard she was engaged, the first thing I did was think
about the best way I could travel to the wedding, given that I will have
a 5 month old baby who will still be nursing. I am very
upset that she will think I didn't keep my promise (Since I'm assuming
you are going to prevent me from keeping it by not inviting me), and I
hope she is not too hurt by it. </span> </span> Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com45tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-16901810677389748202013-10-03T17:53:00.002-04:002013-10-05T11:15:29.941-04:00When is this hurtful crap going to end? After being married for 4 years and running the whole gamut of rejection back when I got engaged and then married, and then actually reconciling with my parents after several years of hardly talking, I truly thought that the worst was over, and I was not going to have to deal with that hurtful crap anymore. A couple of years ago a publisher contacted me about writing a memoir and I told them I don't think the story would be over until I had a kid so I wanted to wait until I was older, if ever. And recently the thought crossed my mind that if I was to write a memoir some day I could now write about how me and my parents reconciled when I had a child, like 70 bajillion people predicted they would. As my husband put it, I had let my guard down. <br />
<br />
But of course it never ends! Every time I have a major life event I am super happy about, some family member has to act like a huge asshole and make me feel bad because they're an intolerant religious asshole who can't deal with the fact that I made different life decisions than they did. <br />
<br />
C is 10 weeks old tomorrow and we have finally gotten the baby announcements designed, printed, and sent to us. I emailed my dad asking for my Aunt's and her (adult) children's addresses. My dad said he didn't have them but I could email my aunt, and gave me her email address. I emailed asking for the addresses and this is the response I got. Keep in mind my cousins are all adults, ranging in age from 19-31, and 3 of them have kids of their own. Growing up I was pretty close with them and probably saw them 4 or 5 times a year despite living 2 hours apart. This woman is my mom's sister and is yeshivish, one of the most religious families in my extended family. I've heard she keeps a picture of me next to her shabbas candles and 'davens for me' every time she lights. <br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div>
Hi Abandoing Eden</div>
<div style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'times new roman','new york',times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal;">
Thank G-d everyone is well.</div>
<div style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'times new roman','new york',times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal;">
I heard that you had a little girl. I hope you and the baby are doing well. Besides L, I don't think any of my children know that you are 'married' and had a baby. I would prefer that it remains that way. I don't think anything is to be gained by their knowing. I think it would be hurtful to some of them if they knew the life choices you've made for yourself. I sincerely hope that you will respect my request. I don't intend to be mean, but this is difficult. </div>
<div style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'times new roman','new york',times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal;">
If you would like to call me for any reason, my phone # [redacted]</div>
<div style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'times new roman','new york',times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal;">
Take care of yourself.</div>
<div style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'times new roman','new york',times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal;">
Aunt E</div>
</blockquote>
<br />
My first impulse was to write a nasty letter back about what an asshole she is being and how I wouldn't want my daughter to know her racist bigoted ass anyway (and she is a racist beyond even the jewish stuff- last time I talked to he she was throwing around the N word and saying Obama is a Muslim). Actually my first impulse was to tear up a little cause when the fuck is this bullshit going to end already, I've now been dealing with this shit for almost 7 years, and how could anyone, let alone a several people in the same family, be this hurtful to their family members?<br />
<br />
But instead of writing back to her I forwarded the email to my dad with a note attached that said "Well this is the response I got from her...lovely "family centric"
religion you got there....with this kind of love its' a wonder I didn't
stay. I'm not writing back to her for now cause the only appropriate
response I can think of is "E you are a self righteous bitch and i
hope you die in a fire"..-AE. He didn't write back but wrote back to another email I sent him recently instead..he probably doesn't know what to say. <br />
<br />
(me and my dad are actually on much better terms these days, since I got pregnant really. I don't think this will insult him too much since he doesn't love E either). <br />
<br />
It's funny, the last time I saw my cousin P, E's daughter (not L), I was telling her about how I recently got married to a non jewish man and was about to move south, and she was telling me that I had to promise to come back up north to go to her wedding. I hear a couple of weeks ago that she got engaged and had been contemplating using her wedding as an excuse to go visit my parents/brother with C. But now I'm thinking an invitation is probably not forthcoming.<br />
<br />
I love how she said "married' in quotation marks. What a fucking cuntloaf. The sad thing is that my daughter kinda looks like her a little. Hopefully she'll grow out of that.<br />
<br />
Maybe I was naive to think I should send my family birth announcements like we're a normal family. But things have been going really well with my parents, and until now most of my extended family has been much cooler than I expected them to be about me marrying a non-jewish guy/having a kid, so I thought it would be nice to send them out since we're sending a bunch to B's family (his extended family is super into birth announcement and christmas cards with updated kid pictures, which I really like).<br />
<br />
I didn't invite any of my extended family members to my wedding because I didn't want to deal with a wave of rejection. And after that, so many people were cool about it that I thought maybe I had made a mistake by rejecting everyone before I could be rejected by them and not inviting them to my wedding. I actually have a bunch of family members I keep in touch with on a semi regular basis now, and I thought this would be the opportunity to reach out to a bunch of people I haven't talked to in a while and say hi and send along my good news, and give them the chance to be cool about it.<br />
<br />
What the hell was I thinking.I can never let my guard down with my family. Every major life event, one or more of them has shown up to shit all over it. I bet when I'm like 60 years old and going to my parents funeral there will be random relatives popping out of the woodwork to be assholes. Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-2318370590424993502013-09-28T19:22:00.001-04:002013-09-30T21:16:01.896-04:00The death of an OTDerYesterday a woman named Deb Tambor committed suicide.She was 33. <br />
<br />
I didn't know Deb in person, but she and I posted on the same Off the Derech facebook groups for several years. Deb was a lovely woman who often posted encouraging words to others struggling with leaving the orthodox jewish religion, and posted about her own struggles. The last time I heard from her was when she was congratulating me for having a child. And I got to know some details of her life over the years. How she had several children with an orthodox jewish spouse whom she divorced. How her own father testified against her in the child custody case because she was no longer religious, and she lost custody of her children. How her children were told negative things about her because she was no longer religious, and how they began to treat her with the same disdain shown towards her by her former chassidic community. <br />
<br />
I hesitate to post these details becasue Deb posted them in a protected group, in confidence. But I felt it was important for the world to know that these type of things happen, and continue to happen. And what the consequences sometimes are. And these aren't the only consequences. The consequence of the threat of having this happen keeps many people in unhappy marriages, or hiding their true religious beliefs, sometimes for decades .<br />
<br />
Now I'm not saying that these things are the reason she committed suicide. I don't know why she committed suicide and I don't really know why she lost custody of her kids, other than what she said about it. Maybe she was depressed in general, although that's no reason to lose custody of your children unless she posed a threat to them. Maybe she did pose a threat to them. I have no idea. <br />
<br />
What I do know is that if there is an all powerful sky being, and that sky being is just, then there's a special place in hell reserved for people who encourage parents to turn against their children, or children to turn against their parents, in the name of religion or lack thereof. <br />
<br />
What I do know is that if court systems are ruling in favor of religious spouses and cutting off custody of non religious spouses due to religious reasons, whether that is because of some misguided idea that keeping children in the same religion is more in their best interest than regular visits with both parents, or because witnesses are giving false testimony due to the religious beliefs of a parent, then they are making unjust decisions.<br />
<br />
What I do know is that the off the derech community has more and more been turning into a real community in the past few years, due in no small part to facebook groups, and before that, the writing of many bloggers. Along with things like footsteps and cholent. We've organized protests against child molestation and have visited courts to support victims of the orthodox community. And maybe it's time we started using that community power to organize something more. Maybe a non profit that provides free legal aid for those going through custody cases with religious spouses or who need other sorts of legal help related to leaving their religion? Maybe a phone line to connect you with another OTDer for those who need someone to talk to or advice? I'm just throwing out ideas here.<br />
<br />
Please use this post to throw out some more ideas. I may not be able to respond right away because things are crazy right now but I would love for those who have more time and who are geographically closer to centers of jewish life to begin organizing themselves, and I will help in any way I can. I will update with more info as I know it.<br />
<br />
ETA: I've just learned that a young man named <span class="null">Yoeli Speilman, who had grown up chassidic and become modern orthodox, and who was disowned by his family as a result, killed himself the day after yom kippur. I don't even know what to say. I'm not saying his family situation is the reason he killed himself, and unlike Deb I never interacted with him him personally or know anything other than what people are saying on the grapevine, but f it's true I think it's telling that two people in similar situations killed themselves over the jewish holidays. What can we do to help people who are thinking of committing suicide?</span><br />
<br />
<span class="null">ETA2: Some other posts about Deb from other OTDers and Jewish bloggers: </span><br />
<span class="null"><a href="http://myderech.wordpress.com/2013/09/28/a-mothers-murder/">My Derech, On and Off: A Mother's Murder</a> </span><br />
<span class="null"><a href="http://imacher.blogspot.com/2013/09/for-deb-very-special-eulogy.html" target="_blank">I am Acher!: For Deb: A very special eulogy</a> </span><br />
<span class="null"><a href="http://hayleyamanda.com/2013/09/29/for-deb-for-life/" target="_blank">Hayley Amanda: for deb. for life. </a> </span><br />
<span class="null"><a href="http://stopkiruvnow.blogspot.com/2013/09/turning-families-against-each-other.html" target="_blank">Stop Kiruv Now: Turning families against each other</a> </span><br />
<span class="null"><a href="http://hiphopactivist.com/social-justice/stolen-too-soon-in-memory-of-deb-tambor-ah/" target="_blank">Y-Love: Stolen too soon: In memory of Deb Tambor a'h</a> </span><br />
<span class="null"><a href="http://kolbishaerva.wordpress.com/2013/09/29/why-do-we-assume-that-when-a-marriage-ends-its-because-one-spouse-went-otd/" target="_blank">Kol B'isha Erva: Why do we assume that when a marriage ends its because one spouse went otd</a></span><br />
<br />
ETA3: Sunday 5:04pm (eastern): Rumor is that the funeral will take place on roosevelt ave. in New Square tonight at midnight. Other rumors say she was already buried in New Square without a real funeral. A third rumor says the funeral will take place there within an hour. Either way there are many people heading to New Square right now and there is talk of a candelight vigil tonight. I'll try to post more as I find out about it<br />
<span class="null"><br /></span> <span class="null">ETA4: Anyone who is thinking of taking your life, please first take the time to call someone on <a href="http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/International_Suicide_Prevention_Directory" target="_blank">this list</a> and tell them about it.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="null">ETA5: I hear many OTDers who wanted to attend the funeral of their friend Deb Tambor (who many of us knew in 'real life') went to new square yesterday with some staying until the wee hours of the morning, but the new square shitheads wouldn't tell them where or when it was going to happen, and she ended up being buried this morning in Long island with only her family present. I am told she was not buried in the new square cemetery because she was not shomer shabbas(??). Also someone has posted a poem written by Deb before her death: <a href="http://gottagivemhope.blogspot.com/2013/09/can-father-hate-his-child-debs-last-poem.html" target="_blank">Can a father hate his child? Deb's last poem</a></span><br />
<br />
<span class="null">ETA6: Deb's boyfriend told me that he was notified about the funeral location by Deb's family as the funeral was starting, and that they knew he was an hour and a half away. I feel sick to my stomach over the way this has played out. One thing I will be doing in the very near future is writing a will. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="null">ETA7: Failed Messiah has <a href="http://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom/2013/09/a-death-in-the-otd-family-234.html" target="_blank">A good summary of the situation </a>which has more sickening details of what happened to Deb. </span> Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-28941119224725027362013-09-21T21:14:00.001-04:002013-09-29T12:12:55.593-04:008 weeks oldFor the first time tonight, C actually paid attention and looked at the pictures in the book when we read a bedtime story! Last night we read the first half of The Cat in the Hat. Why half? Because those Dr. Seuss books are long and I really had to pee. Since C wasn't paying attention to what I was saying or doing even though I was pointing her towards the book I didn't feel too bad about not reading the whole book. But then today we picked up where we left off (around when the cat brings in Thing one and Thing two) and she totally paid attention to the book and the pictures while I was reading it to her! And then we read goodnight moon (which we've read about 15 times already) and she paid attention to those pictures too! <br />
<br />
She also spent several minutes this morning petting and smiling at durkheim the cat, who has decided she should be his buddy. Later today she was sitting next to him and put an arm around him:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-SCTznSLngSTEMHUZEzNFfb49XDJG6OxnJWND2qzcAYSv265t1ATgSUArSl-bsWz1d4VBvJ0ubLRdZXnrby1kJAATkyTT02zNm5iVtbAQZzCL6kM4aax39wi4utteIgdx5u8T_N2Bp1o/s1600/1235110_704381282686_369401754_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="285" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-SCTznSLngSTEMHUZEzNFfb49XDJG6OxnJWND2qzcAYSv265t1ATgSUArSl-bsWz1d4VBvJ0ubLRdZXnrby1kJAATkyTT02zNm5iVtbAQZzCL6kM4aax39wi4utteIgdx5u8T_N2Bp1o/s320/1235110_704381282686_369401754_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
She's decided she likes being lifted in the air (or at least she smiles a lot when she lands) and she likes tickling. She also likes when I go get her when she's been fussing in her crib. She smiles a lot now, and it's awesome, because it's the first she's showing of her own personality- smiling when she likes things. She can sit up when someone hold her around the waist and hold her head up on her own. She can roll over on her side, and in the past few days has started paying attention to toys, so we've been having fun showing her all the toys that she's gotten as gifts, one at a time. She's making new sounds and staying awake more during the day, although she's still waking up 1-4 times a night, and so far has only had 3 nights, not in a row, where she only woke up once to eat in the night. <br />
<br />
I guess I never really updated about my parents coming to visit. When we were arranging the visit I told my parents that my mother in law was planning to come visit when she was around 3 weeks, and she was planning to stay for around a week (which she did) and told them they could come before or after. My dad was like "actually we've always been curious to meet B's parents, and unfortunately we never got a chance to meet his dad." Ha. They were 50 feet from each other at my phd graduation 3 years ago, and I offered to introduce them to each other, and my parents turned down the invitation (I had 2 graduation ceremonies- one for the entire school, one for the graduate school of arts and sciences. My parents when to the first an my in-laws to the second. That was the day my parents met B, but they turned down the chance to meet B's parents- at that point we had been married for a year). <br />
<br />
My parents decided to fly in to a city about an hour and a half away from here and drive from there to here. We have an airport here, but with the connection it would be about the same time apparently. It took them 2 hours to drive here. They got here around 2pm on a Sunday and stayed until around 6pm. Then they drove back to the city they flew into, because they had booked a hotel room there. They ate dinner there at a kosher restaurant (something we don't have in my city) and flew out the next morning. Once again they only stayed here for a few hours, this time even though they were staying in the state overnight. <br />
<br />
They were nice when they were here although of course they had on their "fake personality" because my mother in law was here and she's a stranger. My mom asked me to email her a scanned picture of C's
footprints so she can use them in the design for a baby quilt for her.
:) They took a million pictures with C and my dad invited us to drive down to visit them in florida at their condo down there that they are going to for new years. But we are driving to the midwest for christmas at my mother in law's house, and I don't think we're going to come back and then drive another 12 hours to florida a few days later, that seems crazy with a 5 month old. I told them maybe in a couple of years, since we are planning to start having christmas at our house once C is a couple of years old so then we wouldn't be traveling (and they always go down to florida for new years). Maybe in a few years we'll drive down to visit them and spend a few days in disney land or harry potter land on the way back. I secretly dream that when C is older we'll read all the harry potter books together at bedtime and then watch all the movies and go to harry potter land when we're done with the entire series. <br />
<br />
Speaking of christmas, one of my favorite cousins who is around 22 years old just got enagaged to a guy she's known for 2 months, and they are considering having a wedding on christmas eve. When I moved here a little over 3 years ago I saw her right before I moved, and she told me I should come back for her wedding. But I don't think I could deny B C's first christmas with his family, so I'm not going to go if they have it then. They may not have it then though, and depending on the timing it might be a good time to go up and visit. <br />
<br />
A week after my parents were here my brother and his live in girlfriend came to visit for a couple of days. It made me kinda sad that I live so far from them, since my brother really liked reading C a story and spending time with her and he was saying that the next time he see's her she will probably be a toddler. That's really why I'm considering going up for my cousin's wedding if it's not on christmas, and also why I'm getting together some research to send it to a conference that will be in NYC next summer.<br />
<br />
Speaking of research, I heard back a few weeks ago that I got a "conditional accept" on a journal article- meaning they accepted my article for publication but wanted me to make a few last changes. They gave me a month to make the changes, so I ended up "going back to work" (working on research from home) a little earlier than planned, and sent in those revisions this week. That's #3 out of 5 of the articles I need to get tenure (only peer reviewed articles published since I got this job count towards the 5- this is my 6th peer reviewed publication in total). I also received a "revise and resubmit" decision on another article which is due in 2 months- they actually initially asked for it back in 60 days, which would have been right around now, but I got the decision 3 days before my due date and I asked them for a 2 month extension. I'm going to be working on that starting on Monday when I get a bunch of stuff my coauthor has been working on. I also have the research to get together for that conference in NYC, and some other research to get together for another conference which is going to be held locally in the spring, both with extended abstracts due in mid October. Not sure about my work schedule after that, except that I have 2 articles that were rejected from journals that I want to revise and send out to new journals, and a dissertation chapter that I want to revise and send out too, along with 2 articles I want to get started on writing.<br />
<br />
It's hard to know how much to work since I am technically on "research leave" right now and not maternity leave. My maternity leave didn't cover a full semester- it covered 2 out of 3 of my classes. But I also had a "research leave" due to me this year as part of my hiring contract (to make a final big research push for tenure) and planned my pregnancy around it. So my choices were a) go back to work 3 weeks after giving birth but only teaching one class this semester, and then take my research leave in the spring semester and have no teaching in the spring or b) take my research leave this semester and not teach and then take my maternity leave in the spring and teach my one class then.<br />
<br />
Of course option b made more sense, but now I worry that I am 'wasting' my entire research leave on maternity leave stuff and therefore hurting my career, since other people at my stage in their career have a semester to work on research full time. I extended my tenure clock by a year so I have 3 more years until I go up for tenure instead of 2, but I really want to publish enough that I can go up for tenure "early" which is actually on time, since tenure comes with a raise and yearly raises (when I get them) are based on a percent my current salary- so forgoing that raise for a year can really impact my salary in the long run. I figure since my maternity leave covers 2/3rds of a semester I shouldn't worry about only working on research for 3-4 hours a day for 3-4 days a week at the most right now, and should probably not even be working right now at all. And then I can go back to work full time next semester during my 'maternity leave' when I only teach 1 class, and make up that research time then. But depending on B's work and school schedule next semester, I may also be watching C a few days a week then, and it'll be harder to work when she's older and awake for more of the day. Argh. As I said, it's hard to know how much to work, but for now as long as I'm getting a few things done research-wise every week, and meeting my deadlines for journal editors and conference organizers, I'm going to try not to worry about it too much. <br />
<br />
I was reading a mommy blog today and realized...I guess i am kinda a mommy blog now? Weird.Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-48442533173747858582013-08-27T20:42:00.000-04:002013-09-29T12:13:31.061-04:00C is one month old!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://sphotos-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1240266_10100878057732067_1922580917_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://sphotos-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1240266_10100878057732067_1922580917_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
C turned 1 month old yesterday! We all survived the first month! She can now hold her head up on her own, sleep for 5 hours in a row (rarely), turn onto her side, smile, make noises that sound like zombies and michael jackson and a billy goat, and find her mouth with her hand. This past week we introduced her to pacifiers (She loves), bottles (I love for when we are going out) and a baby bathtub (she had sponge baths before this week because her belly button hadn't fallen off). We went to quite a few restaurants this week with my MIL and she behaved great. She is generally pretty chill except between the hours of 4am-10am when she makes zombie noises while I'm trying to sleep. As of today we are officially retiring her newborn clothing, and she is wearing 0-3 month size instead. <br />
<br />
My mother in law came to visit for almost a week and left this morning, and my parents were here this weekend too. More on that later. My brother and his live-in girlfriend are coming this weekend, and after that we are finally done with visitors for a while and maybe we can start having more of a normal routine. Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-62555589895151799162013-07-28T17:34:00.001-04:002015-03-10T21:26:18.098-04:00She's here! The story of C's birth. C was born Friday, July 26th at 6:26pm! We're home now.<br />
<br />
Thursday morning, my due date, at around 4:30am I started having contractions that
woke me up every 10 minutes or so. Eventually I got out of bed, took a
shower and started timing them, but they started spacing out after the shower and were
maybe every 12-15 minutes for the rest of the morning. I had a doctors appointment Thursday
afternoon and had a NST (test for fetal stress) that only picked up one contraction in maybe
20-30 minutes I was hooked up. At my doctors appointment I was 3-4 centimeters dilated, up from 2-3 a week before. <br />
<br />
That night the contractions started picking up a bit. Since I
had woken up so early I went to bed at around 9pm but woke up at 12:30
because my contractions were getting more painful. They were coming
around every 9 minutes. I stayed up pretty much all night long, and took a
shower again at 2am. They got to be 6-7 minutes apart at 4am but then
spaced out again to 8-9 minutes and between 5 and 7am I slept in between
contractions while sitting upright in our lazy boy. They started
getting closer together again at 7am. At around 10 am I had been having
contractions an average of 5 minutes
apart for an hour and a half. Not very regular, anywhere from 3 to 7 and a
half
minutes apart. But they were becoming unbearably painful and I couldn't talk though them anymore so
I decided to call the doctor. First I had a smoothie and a muffin and
woke B up (he stayed up with me until 4am and then went to sleep for a while) and got everything packed and ready to go. The receptionist said to come into the office since I live so close to the doctor's and the hospital (5 minutes from both). Got there around
10:45 I think. I had 3 contractions in the waiting room. One was on the way into the office and some lady in the hallway said something about me being in labor, and during another in the waiting room I closed my eyes during the contraction, only to open them and see a nurse staring me intently, which made me burst out laughing. <br />
<br />
When we went back to the exam room I felt like I was
starting to leak and when I went to pee in a cup I suspected my water
had broken (turned out it had) and it was more amniotic fluid then pee. When I had an
internal exam a few minutes later there was a huge gush of water and the
doctor kept putting paper pad things under my butt which I soaked right
through, and one on the floor which I leaked all over when I stood up. I
then proceeded to drip amniotic fluid all over the exam room as I made
my way back to the bathroom to clean myself off. The timing was perfect
cause most of it came out while I was pantless so didn't get anything on my pants or anything. I
was a little bummed to hear at the exam that I was only 4 centimeters
dilated after a whole night of not being able to sleep from the
contraction pains. But since my water broke the doctor told me to go straight to the
hospital.<br />
<br />
Once my water broke my contractions got a lot stronger
and more
frequent. During the 5 minute car ride from the doctors office to the
hospital, I had two very painful contractions that I couldn't
talk through, and 3 more while being admitted. We actually first went to the wrong building- since B had practiced going to the hospital from the house and not the doctor's office, he was not used to driving the way we took, and we pulled into the parking lot of a next door building that looks pretty similar. We didn't figure it out until we had parked and got to the building, when I was like "wait where's the door to the delivery room?" B went back to get the car while I stood at the side of the parking lot having contractions. Then he dropped me off at the actual hospital and I had to check myself in while he was finding parking. They took me by
wheelchair to a delivery room. They
asked about a birth plan and if I wanted an epidural and I said I
wasn't sure. At first I got a Hep lock instead of an iv and they took
some blood and hooked me up to a fetal heartbeat and contraction
monitor. <br />
<br />
And then the contractions got really really bad. At one point
according to the monitor I basically had a 10 minute contraction which I
think must have been 3 or 4 contractions with no break in between. I
sat on the edge of the bed and did breathing exercises and basically
moaned with every exhale. I was also shaking and rocking back and forth
with every contraction, which were almost constant. I have never
experienced something that painful in my life. After what apparently was
2 hours of this but which seemed a lot shorter to me, I asked B for
the third time to get an epidural (we agreed beforehand I would have to
ask 3 times- the first time I asked was as soon as I got into my room at the hospital. I was like "ok this is my first official time asking for an epidural" and B was like "no this doesn't count, you're not even in your gown yet!" and I was all "No, this counts!") and he went to get the nurse. They hooked me up to a saline drip. First the anesthesiologist
stuck me with a local anesthetic which took effect immediately and then
after another painful contraction she put the epidural in. It felt weird
but not painful at all. It didn't take effect immediately so I had two
more painful contractions and then it was like total bliss. It was kinda
like braxton hicks contractions- I could still feel them but they weren't
painful at all.<br />
<br />
After the epidural they checked my cervix and in
around 2-3 hours since my doctors appointment I had gone from 4 to 6
centimeters. B decided to take a quick trip home while I wasn't in
pain to eat lunch and feed the dogs. I called my parents to tell them I
was at the hospital and they told me if I give birth after shabbas I
should call and leave a message on my dads office line because that has
an answering machine they can hear. I did some face booking and
attempted to nap but was too excited.<br />
<br />
I got checked again about 2 hours later
and was 7-8 centimeters dilated which means I was officially in
transition. I had some
ices and apple juice and then around an hour later I started shaking really badly. The nurse came to check on me and I asked about
that, and apparently it's a sign that the pushing stage is eminent and it
comes from your body dumping hormones into you. When she checked me I
was 9.5 centimeters dilated. She came back around 30 minutes later and
asked I was ready to push and I said maybe but I'm not sure. She came
back 10 minutes after that and I was definitely ready to push then. She
lifted the bed so I was sitting up and lifted these stirrup things for
my legs so I could put my legs up and like pull them back and curl into a
ball basically. And then had me push with each contraction- I would
hold my breath for the count of 10 and push as hard as I could and then
take a breath and repeat 3 times for each contraction. The first time I
pushed she said she could already see the head starting to come out.
After around 3 push 'sessions' of 3-4 pushes each she got a mirror at my request so I could
see what was going on. <br />
<br />
The first two push sessions I did after the mirror got there, I could
see the top of her head while pushing and then it like went back inside
between contractions, but the third push session is stayed out a bit. In
the end I only pushed for maybe 10-13 sessions I guesstimate, which lasted
only 25 minutes in total. Towards the end they had me stop pushing cause the
doctor wasn't there yet. He quickly came in and suited up and put on a
plastic face shield which I complimented him on. They put this plastic
sheet under my butt with like a hard plastic cup thing on the end to
catch all the crap that was coming out of me. I started pushing again
and the doctor kinda pushed up on her face from the bottom of my butt
kinda, and suddenly her face was out! Once her face was out but the
rest of the body was inside she turned her face sideways...that's normal
cause they have to turn their body sideways so their shoulders can get
out, but it was totally surreal and awesome to see. The doctor told me
to stop pushing and I did and he suctioned out her nose and mouth a
bunch of times, but the rest of her just came out right away anyway. <br />
<br />
After
she came out a whole bunch of fluid and blood came out too and at that
point I was like "alright you can take away the mirror now." The doctor
suctioned her a few more times and she started to cry, and B got a
little teary eyed when she did (he now has amnesia about this but I saw it!). The doctor asked both me and B if we
wanted to cut the cord but we both said no, so he did it. They wiped
her off and put her right on my chest where she stayed for the first
hour or so of her life. During that time I delivered the placenta-
B said it looked really gross like a stomach or something, but I
didn't see it. The doctor also gave me 4 stitches in 4 small tears that I
had. After a little bit she started breast-feeding. B took a few pictures and then
after the hour they measured her and stuff under a heat lamp because her
feet and hands were blue. She was 20.5 inches long, 7 pounds 3 ounces,
with a 13.5 inch circumference head. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/q80/s720x720/1016793_691503958946_1796291768_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/q80/s720x720/1016793_691503958946_1796291768_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/q71/s720x720/1002558_691504757346_199467893_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/q71/s720x720/1002558_691504757346_199467893_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-79454117468780402202013-07-19T15:09:00.003-04:002013-07-19T15:13:55.116-04:0039 weeks 1 day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/p480x480/59234_10100829541628727_508919457_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/p480x480/59234_10100829541628727_508919457_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
Still pregnant! The baby will be here in less than 2 weeks because my doctor wants to induce around 41 weeks if I go that long (although I may see if I can hold her off another day or two if I go that long..which I don't think I will). I'm between 2 and 3 centimeters dilated and almost fully effaced as of this morning. We've finished pretty much all the baby preparation, except that we might go to a baby consignment sale tomorrow and get some more clothes for larger sized babies (we got a ton of newborn/0-3 month clothes at the shower but not much for bigger babies). Assuming I don't go into labor before then. <br />
<br />
Had a scare around 3 weeks ago when they found out the baby was in footling breech- one of the scariest kinds of breech (feet down- results in stillbirth 10% of the time when having a vaginal birth) which would have meant a scheduled c section. But for about a week after that I did all sorts of inversions and exercises and weird things to try to get her to flip to head down, and she had by the next appointment, and has stayed head down since then. I think the one that finally worked was when I took a hot bath and submerged the bottom half of my belly while putting an ice pack on the top half- during the bath she moved around a lot and later that afternoon I could feel her hiccuping in the bottom half of my belly instead of the top (when she hiccups only her head moves).<br />
<br />
I stopped working around a week ago, and have spent most of this week lying on my couch re-reading the wheel of time series, since I just procured the final book in the series and I always said I would re-read the whole series (14 books) when I got the last one. I figure maternity leave is a good time to get on that, since I don't have to work. I always feel a little bit guilty about reading stuff not for work when I do have to work, cause I have so much reading to do for work that I could be doing instead. I'm now about halfway through book 4. <br />
<br />
Speaking of work, this summer I submitted 5 articles + an encyclopedia entry for review (4 for first review and 1 "revise and resubmit") so even though I'm not working anymore this summer (which means I'm finishing summer work a month earlier than I usually do), this has been the most productive summer of my life. I think the baby deadline/nesting instinct just inspired me to finish a whole bunch of stuff. I have all of Fall semester off as "research leave" (and then "maternity leave" in the spring when I will teach 1 class instead of my normal 3) and I'm hoping to start working again around October, and write 2 new papers and revise a dissertation chapter, with plans to submit all 3 of those for review before the end of the academic year. I also hope to be working on more "revise and resubmits" from the stuff I've already submitted (and I think the "revise and resubmit" I submitted this summer has a very good chance of being accepted for publication). I was able to delay my tenure clock by a year because I'm having a baby, but if I can get 3-4 of these 5 articles accepted for publication within the next 2 years I will go up for tenure at the regular time anyway, since delaying tenure just means delaying a raise, and that's more publications than I need for tenure. Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-91009045701245780612013-06-01T10:20:00.000-04:002013-09-29T10:48:25.740-04:0032 weeks/parents update<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYJHVLnEq1noUwPyT72bkgvG1CRF1ECIh0yo1kw9OQWl78_CCXIh3UGfKbIW6uw8RwiFkkUKZMJSXf7V9rr3HFuJdNEmZcZSKY6XwTw-zLAnE5uCgkqd0xacwJku-vw1w1YbSYIVHp2ms/s1600/SAM_2313.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYJHVLnEq1noUwPyT72bkgvG1CRF1ECIh0yo1kw9OQWl78_CCXIh3UGfKbIW6uw8RwiFkkUKZMJSXf7V9rr3HFuJdNEmZcZSKY6XwTw-zLAnE5uCgkqd0xacwJku-vw1w1YbSYIVHp2ms/s320/SAM_2313.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
This picture is from 2 days ago when I hit 32 weeks (8 months). Since this picture was taken 2 days ago I've gained 2 pounds. This morning B was like "Woah woah woah turn sideways again" and when I did he was all "you really look pregnant"! ha. Up until last week I had only gained 15.5 pounds the whole pregnancy, but now I've gained over 18. I'm now in the uncomfortable phase of pregnancy where the baby seems to be permenantly lodged in one of my ribs, and she keeps kicking me in a nerve in my back. I've also been sleeping terribly and having weird dreams when I can sleep. The most recent was a dream that my baby was born and when I went to change her first diaper I realized she was actually a boy not a girl.<br />
<br />
Apart from that I've mostly been working from home since the semester ended around 3 weeks ago, trying to finish up a bunch of research projects and get things out to editors before the baby comes.I've also been going to a few meetups (through meetup.com) with a group of "new and expecting moms" who live in the area. On Wednesday me and one of the moms who lives right near me went for a walk at the park/greenway near my house- in addition to around the mile we walked together, I walked to the park and back (around a mile round trip) and around an hour after I got home my pelvis started feeling like it was falling apart, and it hurt for 2 days afterwards. I should really walk more often so that my body is somewhat in shape for giving birth..I've been doing one long walk per week but it would probably be better to do several shorter walks. Last week the mom group went on a walk by this bog garden place in my town and we saw this barred owl couple that live there (in the wild, it's not like a zoo type place), which was really cool! The week before that B and I went to walk around the local arboretum with our dogs for our 4 year wedding anniversary (we also went to a really fancy brunch which was awesome). <br />
<br />
I had a baby shower a few weeks ago, thrown by my department. It was a joint baby shower with another professor in my department who is due in a week or two. I got a ton of stuff, including way too many newborn-sized outfits (like 11) considering those only go up to 8 pounds and some babies (like B) are born bigger than that. We didn't even register for any clothing, people just bought it for us. Word to the wise to anyone buying things for a baby shower: Don't buy newborn sized clothing! It would probably be better to buy like 3-6 month clothes or even 6+ month clothes since they will need that a lot more. Right now we have like 11 newborn size outfits and maybe 10 0-3 month size (which will also fit newborns), it's ridiculousness.<br />
<br />
My parents came to my baby shower. They never stay more than one day here, so they flew down that day, got here around 12:30, came to our house for a couple of hours until we drove to where the baby shower was at 3pm, and they left the shower at around 5:30 to go catch their flight home. The visit went well (This is now the third time they have met B) and my mom gasped less around the dogs. They brought us some bagels and lox (which I'm not really supposed to eat cause I'm pregnant but I had some anyway) and some "Mazal tov" chocolates for the baby shower.<br />
<br />
At the baby shower itself I didn't hang out with them too much once it got started cause I was circulating and talking to everyone there, but apparently a lot of my colleagues went over to them and told them how awesome I am. One of my (Female) colleagues also gave both my parents a big hug which I think took them aback a little bit, but they were gracious about it. My mom also spent a lot of time talking to one of my friends about project runway (which they both love apparently), and talked a lot about her work as a fabric designer (which she did before my brother was born like 30 years ago). It was kinda bizzare seeing my parents interact with all my colleagues, I don't think I've ever really seen them interact with people who weren't orthodox jewish. The whole thing was somewhat surreal, but went off without a hitch.<br />
<br />
Then yesterday it was my birthday (31! Why does that seem so much older than 30? I think it's cause I'm *in my 30s* now). My parents called and I actually ended up talking to both of them for about 2 hours in total. I asked my mom all about how her births went because I hear that a lot of people have similar births to their mothers. Apparently I was born a few days late, my next brother was born a few weeks early, and my youngest brother was born right on his due date. My mom was in labor with me for around 25 hours. She claims she only had contractions like "every 10 minutes" until her water broke and then "She pushed twice and I was out." She said for all 3 babies her water broke right before the baby was born. My dad remembers things differently, he says the water broke an hour or two before we were born and she definitely didn't push only twice, they were in the hospital for around 10 hours before that, and her contractions were more than every 10 minutes.<br />
<br />
I kinda trust my dad more, and I suppose this was 31-25 years ago for both of them (depending on the kid), plus I'm sure since my mom didn't have epidurals for any of her kids she might be remembering things weirdly or blocking out some of it. If my mom's story is true it makes me nervous because she said she had far apart contractions until her water broke and then the babies came right out- and my doctor has told me to wait to go to the hospital until I've been having contractions 5 minutes apart for at least two hours. I don't want to go to the hospital too early and be sent home again because each time I go to the hospital my insurance charges me $233. But I also don't want to wait too long and give birth at home or something crazy! Luckily the hospital is only a mile from my house and we can get there in literally around 3 minutes. <br />
<br />
My dad was still trying to pressure me to give the baby a "jewish name" and have a "jewish naming ceremony" when we were talking yesterday, and he was even like "She can get a catholic name from your mother in law too" and I was basically like "Ummm, no on both counts." He was like "that way she can have the choice to be jewish" and it's like...she can choose to be jewish whether she has a jewish name or not, and if she wants some rabbi to give her a jewish naming ceremony, it's not like it has to be done when she's born- she can have the choice to have a jewish naming ceremony if she ever cares, which I doubt she will.<br />
<br />
They also don't like the name Lilith because "It's a demon name" and I told them for non-orthodox jews Lilith is actually somewhat of a feminist jewish icon because she refused to submit to Adam. My mom also didn't like the first name we chose. But whatever, it's not her kid and I don't think she has much of a right to criticize what I name my kid considering the extent to which she has not been a part of my life the last few years (and I don't want to hear criticism from you internet people either!). I should have never told them either name and just told them after she's born and it's on the birth certificate. Oh well. <br />
<br />
My parents are going to israel for vacation next week and my dad was like "We'll put a kvitlach(Message) In the kotel (wailing wall) for you." I somehow ended up telling him the story of how when we were in Turkey for our honeymoon we went to the supposed house of the virgin mary (one of our stops on a tour that went to Ephesus) and there was a wall there full of little messages just like the Kotel. And apparently my dad had no idea I had ever been to Turkey, or Greece, or Italy- basically he had no idea that I had gone on my honeymoon, so I ended up telling him all about that trip and suggested he should take a kosher cruise to visit Europe sometime. My parents have been to Israel like 10-15 times, but have never been to any other country (except Canada at Niagra Falls). <br />
<br />
In other news, the cloth diapers I wanted were on sale so I bought 24 for around $350. I also bought around 300 disposable diapers for the first month or so (size newborn/1) since the cloth diapers don't work until the baby is around 10 pounds. But the cost of those disposables made me feel a lot better about my cloth diapers purchase- they were around $55 for 300, AFTER I used two coupons that came out to $20 off. I didn't get the cheapest diapers because the coupons were for pampers/huggies, but still, that's ridiculousness- if I was going to pay $50 a month for disposables I just saved around $200 for the first year and $600 for the second year.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile we have bought almost everything we need for the baby. My parents got us a crib/changing table which we have set up already. My brother got us an infant car seat and a stroller frame thing that it clicks into, so we will be good on that until around 6 months when we'll need to get a new car seat and stroller. I found a good deal on an Ergo carrier, and we got a pack n play with an attached changing table that we set up in our bedroom for the first couple of months when she is waking up every 2-3 hours or whatever, and once she only wakes up once or less in the middle of the night we will start putting her to sleep overnight in her room (until then I don't want to have to walk to the front of the house a million times in the middle of the night). She'll also be taking naps during the day in her room so she gets used to sleeping in the crib, and also because her room is right next to the sunroom where I have my home office set up now (It used to be set up in the baby's room) since once she is a couple of months old I will be working from home on research stuff. I had to use my 'research sabbatical' to get the entire Fall semester off- our paid maternity leave only covers half a semester but I'm due 3 weeks before the semester starts and no way was I going in to teach my '1.5' classes 3 weeks after giving birth, especially if she is late like first babies often are- so I will have "research leave" in the Fall (we actually planned this baby around my research leave) and "maternity leave" in the spring and teach 1 class in the spring + do some extra service work (writing long boring reports from home- I already wrote the first one- 28 pages- a couple of weeks ago) to make up for the other half class. Since I'm technically only entitled to 2 months paid leave I'm going to use that as my guideline for when to start doing research from home, becasue I don't want to use up my entire research leave doing no research and only baby stuff.<br />
<br />
Only things left to buy at this point that we need right away are some sheets for the crib (We already got sheets for the pack n play when they were on sale- waiting for my baby registry to send us discounts on everything left which should happen in the next few weeks according to them), and a glider (last major huge thing and I definitely want a comfy one). My mother in law might actually be getting us the glider (think she's getting us either that or a stroller for when we outgrow the first one) but if she doesn't I have a savings bond that is set to expire in about half a month (they stop collecting interest after 30 years- I got this one from my grandparents when I was 1 year old) that I'm going to cash in and use that money to buy it.Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-21272759553564946452013-04-12T14:18:00.002-04:002013-04-12T15:07:49.257-04:00Some picturesA tour of my garden: <br />
<img height="85%" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/20814_10100712648428637_652452469_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
Sage and Mint<br />
<br />
<img height="85%" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/420968_10100712648283927_1759236003_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
leaf lettuce and sugar snap pea vines<br />
<br />
<img height="85%" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/561441_10100712648338817_733456327_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
sugar snap pea vines, oregano, rosemary, romaine lettuce <br />
<br />
<img height="85%" nbsp="" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/533755_10100712648408677_1028864318_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
Garlic<br />
<br />
<img height="85%" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/521676_10100712648478537_1632416532_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
romaine lettuce, mesclun lettuce<br />
<br />
<img height="85%" nbsp="" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/156525_10100712648673147_2017837373_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
asparagus<br />
<br />
<img height="85%" nbsp="" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/15222_10100712648643207_1483204763_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
mayer lemon (unripe)<br />
<br />
<img height="85%" nbsp="" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/63481_10100712648757977_993710339_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
blueberry bush in flower<br />
<br />
<img height="85%" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/63496_10100712648912667_777836199_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
blackberry bush <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<img height="85%" nbsp="" p="" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/552629_10100712648942607_1987311641_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
flowers <br />
<img height="85%" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/11502_10100712648229037_2126960796_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
dogwood tree<br />
<br />
<img height="85%" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/529161_10100712645858787_753455343_n.jpg" width="85%" /><br />
mah bellies, 25 weeks Abandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-33160988802560209872013-04-07T15:59:00.002-04:002013-09-29T10:50:53.488-04:00Mom updateAbout 2 weeks ago I talked to my mother for the first time since I told her I was pregnant in December. Last night I had a dream in which I told her off for being a terrible mother. And this afternoon a friend from middle school sent me a facebook message saying "I was over at *mutual friend's house* and admiring his great challah cover, and he told me your mom had made it for him, so it made me think of you, and was just wondering how you are doing."<br />
<br />
So two weeks ago. My dad called me for his traditional "erev pesach" phone call, and I missed the call but I called him back a few minutes later. We talked for about 20 minutes and then he was like "here's mom" and handed her the phone (kind of like when I called him in December to tell him I was pregnant and he handed her the phone.) We talked for maybe 15 minutes, mostly about being pregnant. She asked how I was feeling, she told me about how when I was a kid she made me handmade baby food in a food processor, and she said "EWWWW" several times loudly and obnoxiously when I told her about my plans to cloth diaper. She first asked if I was going to send them out to a diaper service, which I'm not- one of the big advantages (for me) of cloth diapering is all the money it saves vs. disposables, but sending them out to a diaper service defeats the purpose.<br />
<br />
At one point she was like "I never got any acknowledgement that you got the shalach manot I sent you" and I shot back "Well I never got any acknowledgement about the 3 ultrasound emails I sent you." First off re: the shalach manot- the address was written in my dad's handwriting, and had a card inside also in my dad's handwriting, so I called my dad to thank him for it. Apparently he didn't pass that on. Re: The ultrasound emails- my mom claims she never got them. She at first was like "you must have sent them to the wrong address" and I confirmed with her on the phone that the email address I had was correct (Which I know it was, because that's the same email she sent me her disowning email from, so it's in my address book). Then she claims it must have gone to her spam folder, which I don't get, since she has emailed me from that email before, so my email should be in her address book and therefore my emails should not go to spam. So I don't know if she's lying, or if it actually went to her spam folder, or what. I suspect she was just lying, but there's no way to confirm that of course. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.<br />
<br />
Either way I don't feel much better. I've stopped waking up crying about her, but I still had a dream last night where I told her off for not being there for me, telling her (in my dream) that you don't stop being a parent when your kids turn into adults that make different decisions than you, and that I still haven't forgiven her for disowning me and throwing me away like trash, and how could I forgive her when she wants to pretend like it never happened, has never apologized, and makes it seem like some big concession that she's even talking to me, never contacts me or responds to my emails and will only talk to me when my dad puts her on the phone. And where does she get off criticizing my decision to cloth diaper when she isn't exactly winning any awards for parent of the year, especially since she still has made no effort to get to know her son in law and you know, disowned me, didn't come to my wedding, and then didn't talk to me for 4 years.<br />
<br />
It was a satisfying dream and I just wish there was some way to actually tell her that stuff in person. But I don't think it would do any good to do that, and don't see how I would go about bringing it up, especially since we never talk about anything real.<br />
<br />
Then that old middle school friend emailed me this afternoon and it just made me kinda bitter again, because I know she made that challah cover for that guy for a wedding present, while for her own daughter she didn't get me a wedding present or even come to my wedding because god forbid she not put her religious beliefs above her own daughter. Argh. Still highly doubt my kid will be getting a baby quilt from her, although my dad said if I send them an invite they will do their best to come to the baby shower. But I know, just like with my phd graduation, that will be all him, while my mom will come along because she will be afraid of what my coworkers will think if my dad shows up without her. Cause she cares so much about appearances and what people will think, even people she doesn't know, so will always do the "public appearances" thing (Except at my wedding of course) even though she can't be bothered to actually try to have a relationship with me unless my dad puts her on the phone every 5 or 6 months.<br />
<br />
Yeah, so the whole "accepting that my mother is never going to be the mom I want" thing is still a work in progress. I've accepted it with the rational part of my brain, but the emotional part of my brain is still upset over it. <br />
<br />
Pregnancy wise, I'm around 6 months pregnant (almost 25 weeks). I started wearing some maternity clothes last week but still also fit into most of my "Fat" work clothes- I lost around 25 pounds before I got pregnant and have only regained 10, all in my bellies, so most of my fat pants/shirts still fit, although the pants are starting to get a bit tight. Last week I wore one of my new maternity shirts- the ones that are designed to be super tight and show off all the bellies, and one of my coworkers/friends was commenting on how skinny I look from the back when I wear a shirt that tight (especially since I've been wearing my loose/fat clothes for the past few months). I'm still eating fairly healthily, and exercising mostly by gardening. I'm actually eating probably the healthiest I have in my life, since I'm going out of my way to have veggies and fruits every day, and not drinking soda, only water, juice and kefir, and mostly have been avoiding most processed food and junk food. Although I have been having some chocolate every once in a while too. My daily breakfast is a whole grain bagel with an egg fresh from my coworker's farm - we have a deal where he delivers eggs to our department fridge for me and a few other profs every other week. For lunch I usually have a giant serving of some kind of fruit and a big greek yogurt with some granola, and I've been eating a lot of salad for dinner along with whatever else I'm eating. <br />
<br />
Gardening wise, I planted a blackberry bush (won't get blackberries until next year) and a new blueberry bush to replace the blueberry bush that didn't make it last year, and the other blueberry bush is flowering so hopefully I'll get some blueberries this year! I need to get some netting so birds don't eat all the blueberries. One asparagus is poking out of the ground right now, and unlike last year when they were mostly matchstick to pencil size, this one is pretty fat- like edible size fat! But it's only one right now, so I probably won't pick that one- I'm going to wait until a bunch are coming up all at once (which I bet will be in a few weeks) and pick enough for maybe one side dish, and that's all I'm picking this year. Next year I will get a full harvest though. I also planted a bunch of leaf lettuce and romaine lettuce, which has all come up and I can probably will have enough leaf lettuce to make a whole salad by the end of this week, and my garlic and sugar snap peas are also growing. I planted some wildflowers flowers in pots on the porch which are turning into seedlings. Also have some basil seedlings growing inside, 4 very small lemons which have been growing on my meyer lemon tree all winter (hoping they will get bigger before they ripen) and my perennial herbs outside- rosemary, sage, mint, oregano, thyme- are all starting to leaf out again (saffron flowers don't bloom until the Fall) along with the strawberry plant I have in a pot.<br />
<br />
This weekend I ordered a bunch of creeping phlox (blue) to plant as groundcover out front- we have a big area under the 3 trees we have out front that the prior owners mulched, and last year I planted wildflowers there, but this year it's growing a bunch of weeds (Even though we mulched it with shredded leaves and grass from the lawnmower last fall and again this weekend), so I want to plant some groundcover so that I don't have to keep mulching/picking all the annoying weeds. Creeping phlox is an evergreen groundcover which blooms in the spring. Here's a picture of one I found on the internet that's half in bloom so you can see the flowers and the groundcover (when it's completely in bloom it's a solid carpet of flowers)<br />
<br />
<img src="http://carolynsshadegardensdotcom.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/phlox-stolonifera-blue-ridge.jpg?w=450&h=313" /><br />
<br />
The place I ordered the phlox from is going to send me some free Dahlia bulbs too which I plan to plant outside- those are not hardy in my growing zone (only zones 8-10- I'm in 7) so they will be an annual, although I hear if you deeply mulch them in our zone they sometimes live through the winter. But I also heard that about the artichoke plant I planted last year and mulched, and that did not survive the winter - I think because we had an exceptionally cold winter this yearAbandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8552682727548828725.post-36926513738256888392013-03-15T17:25:00.003-04:002013-09-29T10:49:37.190-04:00What's in a name?So, first for this to all make sense I suppose I should say...it's a girl!! Yay for no circumcision fights!<br />
<br />
But of course things are never simple. I called my dad to tell him it was a girl (and also because i had to ask a tax question). I also sent him and my mom the latest ultrasound pictures by email...still radio silence from my mom (haven't talked to her since I told her I was pregnant in December) but that's something to angst about another day.<br />
<br />
When I told my dad we are having a girl, he immediately asked if I would consider naming her after my dead grandmother - his mother - the one whose funeral <a href="http://abandoningeden.blogspot.com/2007/09/summer-pat-2-my-grandmothers-funeral.html">inspired me to start this blog back in 2007</a> when my dad used the eulogy to go on about how he has to make sure to pass on judaism to his kids.<br />
<br />
I had actually been considering naming her after my grandmother already. Only I don't really like her name - her English name (Which she went by) was "Lola" which is a little too "she walks like a woman but talks like a man" for me, and her hebrew name was "Liba" which I like even less. So B and I had been considering basically every name that has two L's in it. In the end we decided the one we like best is "Lilith"- it has sort of a feminist connotation (yes I know there is no evidence for the "Lilith being the first wife of Adam" story before the 1300s or so) and I like the sound of the name and best of all, it doesn't end with an "A" like most other double-L names, since her last name will start with an "A" and neither of us like names that run into each other like that.<br />
<br />
Anyway we hadn't told this to my dad, but today he sent me this email:
<br />
<blockquote>
Hi Abandoning Eden, </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Hope you are feeling well and that the pregnancy is proceeding well too. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
After our last conversation I was thinking further about the Jewish name idea and thought I would pass this along for your consideration.
Having a Jewish name, and specifically naming after Savta, is something that would be meaningful to me. It would help memorialize her life. On the other hand, I realize that Lola, Liba, Ahuva or other derivatives of Savta's name may not be fashionable for a girl's name these days or may not be what you had in mind. So, how is this for a proposal? Why don't you name your future little girl whatever you and B would like to name her with. I could go to my local Rabbi, and, with your permission and in a private ceremony, he could perform the prayer that confers a Jewish name for her, specifically, "Liba," Savta's Jewish name. No one would ever have to necessarily refer to her by that name on a regular basis. It is common in secular circles for children to have a separate Jewish name but not use it. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
If it is all the same to you, this would make everyone happy. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Please let me know what you think.
Thanks. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
All the best, </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Abba</blockquote>
This is what I'm thinking of writing back:<br />
<br />
Hi Abba,<br />
<br />
We actually have considered a lot of different names that sound like Lola, and are thinking we will give her a middle name of Lilith which is the one we liked the best (we don't want any name that ends with an "A" because her last name will start with an "A").<br />
<br />
I really don't feel comfortable with you having some private religious ceremony on her behalf and giving her a jewish name. First of all, it would be similar to B's mom having a private ceremony with her catholic priest and naming her "Christina" or some other christian name, I wouldn't feel comfortable with that and I would worry that this would create inroads for her to try to convert my daughter to Catholicism later on. Second of all, I hate the name Liba more than the name Lola- no offense, but it reminds me of the word "Labia" which is just weird.<br />
<br />
Of course you can do whatever you want without telling me about it, but I would rather you didn't. I remember you and mom saying that when I was born people wanted me named after some dead relatives, but you decided to go with the name that you wanted to name me. Please respect my purview as a parent to name my own daughter.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Abandoning EdenAbandoning Edenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12696116071749613265noreply@blogger.com26