the funeral itself is kinda going to be a clusterfuck as well. ..my grandfather wants a conservative rabbi there, my dad wants an orthodox funeral, so has decided that he is going to do EVERYTHING (he is a rabbi). I think this is a bad idea (cuase it's his mother) but he insists he is so burnt out that he isn't sad anymore, and that he can handle it. He was also freaking out cause my grandmother pre-ordered a nice casket instead of the jewish plan one. Oh and I want to be a pallbearer, but my dad thinks that women aren't allowed to be pallbearers, cause you know, women are not allowed to do stuff if you're a jew. also cause women are weak or whatever. I think that's ridiculous cause it's my grandmother, and i'm stronger then my little brother who is going to be a pallbearer. Oh also, the service is graveside. in august. in florida. and i just checked the weather forecast and it's suppose to be 100 degrees during the funeral, with chances of thunderstorms.
Anyways now i gotta go try on skirts to see if any i own are funeral appropriate, and then you know..pack for florida and stuff.
I guess i should post about this. Part 1 was of course the horrible trip to florida for my grandmother's funeral. It started with the train station not having my ticket, continued with my train being an hour late, being stuck on the airport monorail for half an hour, my brother going to NYC instead of newark and having to wait for him (becuase no one else there- including my other brother and 2 older cousins- was willing to wait for him to get through security) till he finally got through security 20 minutes before the plane took off. We get to florida at 1am, and the hotel at 2am.
At 6am my dad wakes me up to tell me that if he looses it during the eulogy, he is giving me a copy of it, and that i should continue for him.
So I'm reading through this eulogy after he leaves, about an hour before the funeral. And it's pretty cool, found out my grandmother survived the death marches in germany, gave herself up to the nazi's to save her dad's life, had 2 sisters and 2 brothers i never met (they all died before I was born), was 84 when she died, was married to my grandfather for 61 years, was really dedicated to her family, spoke 5 languages, etc etc.
And then there's the last 2 paragraphs of bullshit about how my dad has to remember his mother through passing on "jewish traditions to his children". I know, not everything is about me. But wtf. I can't help but feel my dad could have taken other lessons from my grandmother...like, um, not being a total douchebag to your children, cause family is more important than even religion is. Like hey, my grandma faced a high chance of death to save her dad! that's pretty neat. but somehow that translates to my dad as having to be a douche to his own kids. (and i'm not the only one of his kids who doesn't follow jewish traditions)
So yeah, there was no way in hell I was going to read that, and I had edited my copy to take off everything I found personally insulting, but in the end i didn't have to, cause that was the only part of the eulogy my dad didn't cry through. But yeah, waking me to tell me that maybe i would have to read the eulogy was my consolation from him, since he wouldn't let me be a pallbearer cuase i'm a woman, and god forbid a woman be a pallbearer for my grandmother who was ALSO A WOMAN. So yeah, as usual, I was insulted by my father's douchebag sexist behavior, and also his trying to force jewishness down my throat.
Anyways, the funeral..first funeral i've ever been to. It was sad, and I cried a bit when they were lowering my grandmother into the ground. It was also a graveside service, and 100 degrees outside, and there were these fucking gnats flying in my face the entire time. But i'm glad I came...none of the guys were helping out my grandfather, cause they're guys, and women are the only people who can take care of other people (or something? It seemed to me the women in my family are the only semi-human ones, cause the men were all standing around while my grandfather was weeping his head off, while me and my mom and my dad's (female) cousin were the only ones comforting him. I mean are you too fucking manly to put your arm around your dad/grandfather who just lost his wife of 61 years? apparently they all are). At one point after they lowered the coffin, my grandfather was leaning on the coffin lower-y thing, weeping his head off, and still my mom and me were the only ones making sure he didn't fall in. I also helped him shovel some dirt on, cause jews bury their own dead. Then I shoveled some of my own dirt in...the noise when dirt hits a coffin is kinda weird and hollow and weird.
and that is when i started this blog. what happened next? I wrote my dad this letter after my dad sent me this reply:
I get you. No, I was not being sarcastic. and, no, I am not trying to shove
anything down your throat.
Thanks for acting responsibly at the funeral. I guess being the oldest,
others abdicated their responsibility to you. I didn't realize this
happened. Maybe it;s a sign of maturity on your part that you did the right
More later. I am exhausted right now.
and there was no more later. And that's the last time me and my parents talked to each other. Which is around 2 weeks now I guess. I just haven't really felt any desire at all to call them for any reason since then.
anyways, that's the end of phase 1 of this blog, which was transfering all my posts from my old journal to this blog. Now comes phase ∞, wherein i probably update a lot less often, but all new material, i swear! :)