Well that was a nice few years off from the dramatic bullshit. But it's back.
A few days ago my cousin got married. This is the one cousin on my mom's side who is NOT the child of the Horrible Aunt who, a few years ago, told me I couldn't have the contact information of all her 6 kids when I was sending out birth announcements because she didn't want them to "know about my "marriage" and life choices"(See this post). The brides parents were the 'black sheep' of the previous generation by being extremely left wing MO and wearing pants and not covering their hair and stuff. So B and I actually got invited to the wedding! And since it coincided with the weekend of one of my favorite music festivals up North I decided to make a road trip out of it and go camping with a bunch of friends at the festival (which was AWESOME!) before heading to the wedding Sunday. Kids were not invited so I left B and C at home down South and had a mom's weekend out. First music festival since before I got pregnant! I used to go to 5 or 6 every summer...
So I went to this wedding. Horrible Aunt and I did not talk. I saw her once about two feet away from me and just turned around and walked the other way, and at another point she did the same to me, and we didn't talk. In fact, we had been seated at the same table, but she managed to change her table to a different table cause I scared her away so much! Ha! Leaving me at the table with 5 out of 6 of her kids, who I spent all night hanging out with, sharing pictures of our kids with, and catching up with. Also showed some pics to my grandparents, hung out with my awesome Aunt and Uncle who are the parents of the Bride, and had fun hanging out with my brother's fiance during the ceremony when they had separate seating. Also had fun hanging out with both my brothers and catching up with both of them.
Speaking of which, my little OTD brother is engaged! To pretty much the most awesome kick assiest lady ever! I mean seriously kick ass, she was on a roller derby team when they met! Also, she is not Jewish. And they've been together like 6 years and living together like 3 of those I think.
So at the end of the wedding, 4 amaretto sours in, after all the drama was avoided with my extended family, I ended up getting in a fight (not yelling, just confrontily disagreeing) with my dad because he is now saying
he will not go to my brother's wedding to a non jewish woman next year
just like he didn't come to my wedding 7 years ago. For new readers: After my parents
didn't come to my wedding we didn't talk for several years but then
reconciled a bit when my dad had heart surgery and then 3 years ago when
I had a kid he (and my mom, who I have totally given up on) started
coming to visit every 6 months or so. And sending us 10 million jewish
books and crap like that. We also have taken a trip up North once a year, so my parents end up seeing my kid 2-3 times a year. Them and B have even been getting along. I had somehow fooled myself into thinking he was now a more rational person.
But meanwhile, wtf, apparently he has
learned NOTHING from that whole horrible experience, and he even asked
why I am upset he's not coming to my brother's wedding since "It's not
me." Um, WTF. If he doesn't see how this would be super insulting and
hurtful to me then he is just stupid or being willfully blind. Plus, as I
told him, how am I supposed to let him get all close to my daughter,
just so he can hurt her by not coming to her wedding in 25 years? He
was all like "is that a threat" and I was all "well just like mom told
me when I got married, every action has consequences, and the
consequences of you not coming to my brother's wedding is that I don't
know that you won't hurt my kid in the future and I don't want to spend
time with you." and then he got on all about how I have to respect his
beliefs or whatever.
Which is fucking bullshit, I have to respect the
beliefs that are tearing my family apart? Should I respect the beliefs
of a muslim imam who stones a rape victim cause it's their "Beliefs"? Is he fucking respecting MY
beliefs and decision to raise my kid without religion by sending me jewish books for every obscure holidays and trying
to shove religion down my kid's throat? ARGHHHHH
BELIEVE I am going through all this again. I know this is my brother's
fight, not mine, but it's like fucking deja vue all over again right
here. And I'm not going to sit back silently while my father shits all
over his kids and creates more family rifts with his fucking bullshit
cult membership ideas. Cause lawd knows everyone else in the family is probably just yessing him.
OTOH I don't want to drive him further
away which is why I'm ranting here and not in an email to him that I
really want to write. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to
ACTUALLY change his mind about coming? I mean I know my kid is the
ultimate trump card and I am not above using her in that way (especially
since I feel it protects her to not have a relationship with people who
abuse their family like this) but I also don't want to go all nuclear
and make my dad double down on being a stubborn asshole...I feel like I
want to save that for right before the wedding if he is still being stubborn by then, when I can be like "If
you want to see my kid you can see her at my brother's wedding or not at all."
My brother already went to my dad's rabbi with him to try to have the rabbi be a mediator, and his rabbi was
basically like "you should give some money to tzedakah" and some other useless
horseshit. I HATE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE. Meanwhile I'm
supposed to go up north with B and C to visit my parent/brothers in August and I already was
like "We'll see" when my dad was like "see you in August" at the end of
our fight which was basically when we were leaving the wedding (I stayed over at my brother's house and then drove home the next day)....but I still want to go to see my brother, and after stewing on this during my 10 hour drive home, I figure this
will be another opportunity to try to convince my dad in person to go to
the wedding..and another chance for him to hang out with my kid one last time and see
what he will miss when he doesn't go to this wedding. Cause I don't
think he is welcome in my house anymore, so I doubt we'll be having his
regular December visit this year.
Actually I woke up on Monday and cried a little before my brother woke up...cause I am so sad I am being put in this position again. How much has religion hurt my family? It ruined my entire fucking childhood, and even living 10 hours away from my old community, it manages to reach out and hurt my adulthood too. Recently C was looking at pictures from our wedding and asked where "Bobby and Sabba were." Tore my fucking heart out. What am I supposed to tell her when she's a year older and smarter, asking where they are at her Uncle D's wedding? I wish I had never introduced them to her at all.