Some pictures

A tour of my garden:

Sage and Mint


leaf lettuce and sugar snap pea vines


sugar snap pea vines, oregano, rosemary, romaine lettuce


Garlic


romaine lettuce, mesclun lettuce


asparagus


mayer lemon (unripe)


blueberry bush in flower


blackberry bush





flowers

dogwood tree


mah bellies, 25 weeks

Mom update

About 2 weeks ago I talked to my mother for the first time since I told her I was pregnant in December. Last night I had a dream in which I told her off for being a terrible mother. And this afternoon a friend from middle school sent me a facebook message saying "I was over at *mutual friend's house* and admiring his great challah cover, and he told me your mom had made it for him, so it made me think of you, and was just wondering how you are doing."

 So two weeks ago. My dad called me for his traditional "erev pesach" phone call, and I missed the call but I called him back a few minutes later. We talked for about 20 minutes and then he was like "here's mom" and handed her the phone (kind of like when I called him in December to tell him I was pregnant and he handed her the phone.)  We talked for maybe 15 minutes, mostly about being pregnant. She asked how I was feeling, she told me about how when I was a kid she made me handmade baby food in a food processor, and she said "EWWWW" several times loudly and obnoxiously when I told her about my plans to cloth diaper. She first asked if I was going to send them out to a diaper service, which I'm not- one of the big advantages (for me) of cloth diapering is all the money it saves vs. disposables, but sending them out to a diaper service defeats the purpose.

At one point she was like "I never got any acknowledgement that you got the shalach manot I sent you" and I shot back "Well I never got any acknowledgement about the 3 ultrasound emails I sent you."  First off re: the shalach manot- the address was written in my dad's handwriting, and had a card inside also in my dad's handwriting, so I called my dad to thank him for it. Apparently he didn't pass that on. Re: The ultrasound emails- my mom claims she never got them. She at first was like "you must have sent them to the wrong address" and I confirmed with her on the phone that the email address I had was correct (Which I know it was, because that's the same email she sent me her disowning email from, so it's in my address book).  Then she claims it must have gone to her spam folder, which I don't get, since she has emailed me from that email before, so my email should be in her address book and therefore my emails should not go to spam. So I don't know if she's lying, or if it actually went to her spam folder, or what. I suspect she was just lying, but there's no way to confirm that of course. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Either way I don't feel much better. I've stopped waking up crying about her, but I still had a dream last night where I told her off for not being there for me, telling her (in my dream) that you don't stop being a parent when your kids turn into adults that make different decisions than you, and that I still haven't forgiven her for disowning me and throwing me away like trash, and how could I forgive her when she wants to pretend like it never happened, has never apologized, and makes it seem like some big concession that she's even talking to me, never contacts me or responds to my emails and will only talk to me when my dad puts her on the phone. And where does she get off criticizing my decision to cloth diaper when she isn't exactly winning any awards for parent of the year, especially since she still has made no effort to get to know her son in law and you know, disowned me, didn't come to my wedding, and then didn't talk to me for 4 years.

It was a satisfying dream and I just wish there was some way to actually tell her that stuff in person. But I don't think it would do any good to do that, and don't see how I would go about bringing it up, especially since we never talk about anything real.

Then that old middle school friend emailed me this afternoon and it just made me kinda bitter again, because I know she made that challah cover for that guy for a wedding present, while for her own daughter she didn't get me a wedding present or even come to my wedding because god forbid she not put her religious beliefs above her own daughter. Argh. Still highly doubt my kid will be getting a baby quilt from her, although my dad said if I send them an invite they will do their best to come to the baby shower. But I know, just like with my phd graduation, that will be all him, while my mom will come along because she will be afraid of what my coworkers will think if my dad shows up without her. Cause she cares so much about appearances and what people will think, even people she doesn't know, so will always do the "public appearances" thing (Except at my wedding of course) even though she can't be bothered to actually try to have a relationship with me unless my dad puts her on the phone every 5 or 6 months.

Yeah, so the whole "accepting that my mother is never going to be the mom I want" thing is still a work in progress.  I've accepted it with the rational part of my brain, but the emotional part of my brain is still upset over it.

Pregnancy wise, I'm around 6 months pregnant (almost 25 weeks). I started wearing some maternity clothes last week but still also fit into most of my "Fat" work clothes- I lost around 25 pounds before I got pregnant and have only regained 10, all in my bellies, so most of my fat pants/shirts still fit, although the pants are starting to get a bit tight. Last week I wore one of my new maternity shirts- the ones that are designed to be super tight and show off all the bellies, and one of my coworkers/friends was commenting on how skinny I look from the back when I wear a shirt that tight (especially since I've been wearing my loose/fat clothes for the past few months). I'm still eating fairly healthily, and exercising mostly by gardening. I'm actually eating probably the healthiest I have in my life, since I'm going out of my way to have veggies and fruits every day, and not drinking soda, only water, juice and kefir, and mostly have been avoiding most processed food and junk food.    Although I have been having some chocolate every once in a while too. My daily breakfast is a whole grain bagel with an egg fresh from my coworker's farm - we have a deal where he delivers eggs to our department fridge for me and a few other profs every other week.  For lunch I usually have a giant serving of some kind of fruit and a big greek yogurt with some granola, and I've been eating a lot of salad for dinner along with whatever else I'm eating.

Gardening wise, I planted a blackberry bush (won't get blackberries until next year) and a new blueberry bush to replace the blueberry bush that didn't make it last year, and the other blueberry bush is flowering so hopefully I'll get some blueberries this year! I need to get some netting so birds don't eat all the blueberries.  One asparagus is poking out of the ground right now, and unlike last year when they were mostly matchstick to pencil size, this one is pretty fat- like edible size fat!  But it's only one right now, so I probably won't pick that one- I'm going to wait until a bunch are coming up all at once (which I bet will be in a few weeks) and pick enough for maybe one side dish, and that's all I'm picking this year.  Next year I will get a full harvest though. I also planted a bunch of leaf lettuce and romaine lettuce, which has all come up and I can probably will have enough leaf lettuce to make a whole salad by the end of this week, and my garlic and sugar snap peas are also growing. I planted some wildflowers flowers in pots on the porch which are turning into seedlings.  Also have some basil seedlings growing inside, 4 very small lemons which have been growing on my meyer lemon tree all winter (hoping they will get bigger before they ripen) and my perennial herbs outside- rosemary, sage, mint, oregano, thyme- are all starting to leaf out again (saffron flowers don't bloom until the Fall) along with the strawberry plant I have in a pot.

This weekend I ordered a bunch of creeping phlox (blue) to plant as groundcover out front- we have a big area under the 3 trees we have out front that the prior owners mulched, and last year I planted wildflowers there, but this year it's growing a bunch of weeds (Even though we mulched it with shredded leaves and grass from the lawnmower last fall and again this weekend), so I want to plant some groundcover so that I don't have to keep mulching/picking all the annoying weeds. Creeping phlox is an evergreen groundcover which blooms in the spring.  Here's a picture of one I found on the internet that's half in bloom so you can see the flowers and the groundcover (when it's completely in bloom it's a solid carpet of flowers)



The place I ordered the phlox from is going to send me some free Dahlia bulbs too which I plan to plant outside- those are not hardy in my growing zone (only zones 8-10- I'm in 7) so they will be an annual, although I hear if you deeply mulch them in our zone they sometimes live through the winter.  But I also heard that about the artichoke plant I planted last year and mulched, and that did not survive the winter - I think because we had an exceptionally cold winter this year

What's in a name?

So, first for this to all make sense I suppose I should say...it's a girl!! Yay for no circumcision fights!

But of course things are never simple. I called my dad to tell him it was a girl (and also because i had to ask a tax question). I also sent him and my mom the latest ultrasound pictures by email...still radio silence from my mom (haven't talked to her since I told her I was pregnant in December) but that's something to angst about another day.

When I told my dad we are having a girl, he immediately asked if I would consider naming her after my dead grandmother - his mother - the one whose funeral inspired me to start this blog back in 2007 when my dad used the eulogy to go on about how he has to make sure to pass on judaism to his kids.

I had actually been considering naming her after my grandmother already. Only I don't really like her name - her English name (Which she went by) was "Lola" which is a little too "she walks like a woman but talks like a man" for me, and her hebrew name was "Liba" which I like even less. So B and I had been considering basically every name that has two L's in it. In the end we decided the one we like best is "Lilith"- it has sort of a feminist connotation (yes I know there is no evidence for the "Lilith being the first wife of Adam" story before the 1300s or so) and I like the sound of the name and best of all, it doesn't end with an "A" like most other double-L names, since her last name will start with an "A" and neither of us like names that run into each other like that.

Anyway we hadn't told this to my dad, but today he sent me this email:

Hi Abandoning Eden,

Hope you are feeling well and that the pregnancy is proceeding well too.

After our last conversation I was thinking further about the Jewish name idea and thought I would pass this along for your consideration. Having a Jewish name, and specifically naming after Savta, is something that would be meaningful to me. It would help memorialize her life. On the other hand, I realize that Lola, Liba, Ahuva or other derivatives of Savta's name may not be fashionable for a girl's name these days or may not be what you had in mind. So, how is this for a proposal? Why don't you name your future little girl whatever you and B would like to name her with. I could go to my local Rabbi, and, with your permission and in a private ceremony, he could perform the prayer that confers a Jewish name for her, specifically, "Liba," Savta's Jewish name. No one would ever have to necessarily refer to her by that name on a regular basis. It is common in secular circles for children to have a separate Jewish name but not use it.

If it is all the same to you, this would make everyone happy.

Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

All the best,

Abba

This is what I'm thinking of writing back:

Hi Abba,

We actually have considered a lot of different names that sound like Lola, and are thinking we will give her a middle name of Lilith which is the one we liked the best (we don't want any name that ends with an "A" because her last name will start with an "A").

I really don't feel comfortable with you having some private religious ceremony on her behalf and giving her a jewish name. First of all, it would be similar to B's mom having a private ceremony with her catholic priest and naming her "Christina" or some other christian name, I wouldn't feel comfortable with that and I would worry that this would create inroads for her to try to convert my daughter to Catholicism later on. Second of all, I hate the name Liba more than the name Lola- no offense, but it reminds me of the word "Labia" which is just weird.

Of course you can do whatever you want without telling me about it, but I would rather you didn't. I remember you and mom saying that when I was born people wanted me named after some dead relatives, but you decided to go with the name that you wanted to name me. Please respect my purview as a parent to name my own daughter.

Love,
Abandoning Eden

Letters composed in my head at 5am

Well it finally happened. My dad sent me an email last week saying he saw a couple of his cousins (who are both my Facebook friends so know I'm pregnant through that) and they asked how I was doing. So I wrote back and told him about how I'm doing- much better now that I'm not throwing up every morning anymore, although I've barely gained any weight because of said throwing up ( only abut 3 pounds so far) and then a bunch of other stuff just updating him on what's going on with my life. And he wrote back and one of the things he said was "so have you thought about if you are going to give the baby a Jewish name? A bris if it's a boy?"

Ahh the bris question. I'm surprised he managed to hold out until I was 18 weeks along. But like, seriously, what does he think the answer is going to be?

I haven't written back yet cause I'm not sure exactly how I want to say "no, most definitely no on both counts." But heres an email I composed in my head this morning at 5am when i couldn't sleep (finding it uncomfortable to sleep lately cause I can no longer sleep on my stomach, not supposed to sleep on my back because it can compress a major vein, and I dont like sleeping on my side, which is my only choice. Plus kicking waking me up).

Dear abba,

No we are not going to give our kid a Jewish name or a bris. I know you had the idea that when I got pregnant and had a child I would want to become more religious, since you've said as much, and otherwise why would you ask me that question when you already probably knew what the answer was? But I still am an atheist and dont want to be part of any religion, and am not planning on having any religious ceremonies for my child, whether a bris or a baptism.

I know this probably disappoints you, but I guess we both had unrealistic expectations of how me being pregnant might change things. You thought I might become more religious, and I thought mom might want to actually have a relationship with me, and maybe be excited about becoming a grandmother the way most normal people react to that kind of news. But instead she hasn't responded to either of the emails I sent her with pictures of ultrasounds, and I haven't heard from her since you put her on the phone when I called to tell you I was pregnant 3 months ago. I imagine she hasnt told any of her friends about becoming a grandmother (her mother certainly had no idea when I called to tell her) because she is still obsessed with how this might reflect on her image or whatever.

Why would I ever want my child to have any part of a religion that tells mothers to treat their children and grandchildren this way?

Love,
Abandoning Eden

17 weeks 3 days

I definitely have a bump, although not so much that you would look at me and be like "Pregnant!" I don't think.  Especially since it's not a particularly smooth bump. Although maybe I'm just fooling myself there.  I'm wearing my loose /fat clothes to work from before I lost 30 pounds and lots of sweaters and jackets and stuff (Which I always do anyway) and I doubt my students suspect I am pregnant yet. My colleagues all know of course, they are throwing me a "surprise" baby shower this summer I hear.  I invited my dad and he said he and my mom would try to come if it's on a sunday afternoon.

Speaking of my mom I still haven't heard from her since I told her I was pregnant back in early December despite 2 emails I sent her with ultrasound pictures.  But after B's dad died, my dad sent him a really nice sympathy letter in the mail, saying he knows how hard it is to watch a loved one die of cancer. The most religious it got was he said "Facing a loved ones death is a sobering and contemplative event. For those who believe, it is comforting to think that their souls are at rest in heaven. For others, it is comforting to think that their pain and suffering have ended and they are at peace." And then he went on to say that on behalf of him and his wife (my mom) he wants to extend his condolences. I thought that was nice of him. I should probably send him an email at some point thanking him for the nice letter.

The baby has now had first and second trimester tests for downs syndrome and trisomy and spina bifida, and they all came back negative, yay!  Last week we had a regular checkup and my doctor gave me a small heart attack when it took her like 2 minutes to find the baby's heartbeat- but it turned out she was on the wrong side of my belly, and the heartbeat was fine, 162 (Down from 170 the first two times we heard the heartbeat, but perfectly within normal range).  I've started to be able to feel the baby move around in there which is freakin awesome.  I'm really enjoying being pregnant in a way I didn't think I would...it's so cool to carry my baby around with my everywhere and be able to feel it before anyone else can. Of course the morning sickness sucked...I was terribly sick all of my first trimester, and threw up at least 1-3 times a day, usually in the middle of the night and felt nauseous all day long. When I hit 15 weeks I woke up and started feeling fantastic, and only threw up 1 time all of week 15. But then I threw up 3 days in a row in week 16. Haven't thrown up in week 17 yet, so I'm hoping my morning sickness is mostly gone.

In 2 weeks we have another ultrasound where they do a big anatomy scan and we find out the gender. I'm not sure if we're going to tell people though..if it's a girl I don't want to be bombarded with pink shit. If it's a boy I don't want it to get back to my parents (and since my parents I assume will be coming to my baby shower, and if I told anyone it would be my colleagues who are throwing the baby shower, then I'm guessing I couldn't keep it a secret from them if I told anyone else). I just don't want to even have to have a conversation with them about circumcision. It's just not going to happen, and I don't want to fight about it. But I guess they would find out eventually.  Once we know the gender hopefully we'll have an easier time narrowing down names.  We definitely have a first name picked out for a boy, and I think we are pretty close to consensus on a first name for a girl  (at least I know the name I like the most, not sure B is entirely sold on it) but so far our middle name choices have mostly been of the semi-ridiculous variety that I'm not sure either of us are serious about (like "Artemis" for a girl's middle name. I do love that name but it's a bit much probably...)

In gardening news I planted a new blueberry bush to replace the one that died last year, and also planted a blackberry bush for good measure. Not this summer, but next summer, I'm going going to have asparagus and blueberries and blackberries and a toddler to go outside and pick them with!  This weekend I also planted lettuce (3 kinds- romaine, mesclun mix and microgreen mix) and snap peas in my veggie garden, and have a whole bunch of garlic I planted at the end of last year that is still growing (it grows over the winter and matures in the late spring). I'm also going to start some basil inside soon, but not going to bother with late summer veggies this year like peppers and eggplants, since I'll have a newborn when I should be harvesting those. Should be able to harvest a few asparagus this year, but not more than a meal's worth probably. My lemon tree has been growing lemons since right around when I found out I was pregnant in November, but they are not full sized yet and none are mature- I think they take 6-8 months to mature so I might have some lemons a month or two before the baby comes.  I might also plant a pumpkin patch and perhaps some zucchini somewhere depending on how mobile I am in May when it's time to plant such things.

Soon I have to start thinking about registering for baby stuff and signing up for some kind of baby care/birthing class. But I'm going to worry about that stuff in March.  Next weekend we are going to the beach for 2 days- I have a conference right on the shore, and the hotel is dog friendly and right near a dog friendly beach, and since I'm driving I don't have to buy B a plane ticket (my job covers the hotel and gas), so B is coming with me and after the conference on Friday afternoon and then all day Saturday we're going to go to the beach. It'll be too cold to swim of course (although it's predicted to be in the mid 60s...love Southern February!) but the beach is known for lots of interesting sea shells and shark teeth type things, so should be fun.

My father in law

Yesterday morning B's dad Jim lost his nearly 6 year battle with lung cancer and passed away.  

Jim really stepped into a "dad" role for me when my own parents douched out and disappeared. I talked to him on the phone for hours when I was buying our house. We planned a family vacation to Italy/greece together by sending each other about a million emails (me and him did most of the actual planning) and he gave me lots of career advice when I was on the job market. 

I haven't written much if anything about Jim here, because I knew Jim read my blog.  Unlike my real parents, he wanted to know everything I was going through- he signed up on facebook to keep up with his family, and would read my blog regularly. Every once in a while when I would be feeling particularly bad about how my parents were acting, and would write a blog post about it, an email from Jim would show up in my inbox- "Hey, I read your post and I wanted to remind you that me and B's mom are here for you guys if you need anything."  He would also leave nice comments on my facebook posts.

Here's a story that is iconic of Jim: In 2009 we took a trip to Europe. On our stop in ancient Olympia Jim wanted to come and see the ruins, but he was on an oxygen machine and we had to leave him to rest at the entrace while we did the tour because he was too tired to walk around after the walk to the entrance. When we came back he had a new BFF- a friend he had made who also couldn't handle the walk. Jim already knew his whole life story.  That was typical Jim.

Jim stopped cancer treatment last November because it was no longer working. For christmas we got him a framed picture of our first ultrasound (his first grandchild), and had been planning to send him updates. We never got a chance to mail out the second ultrasound pictures, but we were able to text them to his phone right before they sedated him and put him on a ventilator on Saturday...so that was one of the last things he saw.

The whole time I knew him he was dying; he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer about 3 months before I ever met him.  But instead of sitting around moping about the things he couldn't do, or the fatal illness he had been diagnosed with, he went out and traveled the world (literally he's been on at least 15 cruises at least in the last 5 years) and was always chatting up strangers and making friends with everyone. He was my role model of what a happy person and loving parent is like. I am so disappointed and sad that my children will not get to know him.

On the other hand, I'm so happy I got to spend as much time with him as I did, and that I got a chance to know him and love him.  He got to come to our wedding (He won't be at B's sisters wedding in October), we had that amazing trip to Europe together that I will never forget, several thanksgiving and christmases, and I'm so happy he at least got a chance to find out that I was pregnant and he would be having his first grandchild before he passed.

In lieu of prayers, B asks that you donate to cancer research, and register as an organ donor.

Mother issues continued

Since getting pregnant I feel like my issues with my mother have gotten worse. Not in terms of our actual relationship with each other, but in terms of how much I think about my mom on a daily basis and feel hurt by it.

Since I told my parents I was pregnant about a month and a half ago, I have heard from my father several times. He's sent me many emails and has even called a couple of times since then (which is more frequent than he usually calls).  I sent him and my mother emails with pictures of the two ultrasounds I've gotten and he wrote back right away saying things like "Wow that is so amazing, you can see the face, it looks like you and B!!"  And wonderfully, he hasn't brought up religion in any of those communications.

I haven't heard a word from my mother, not even a response to the two emails I sent her with pictures of the ultrasounds, even after she said she would write back to my email (when I talked to her to tell her I was pregnant). And while I shouldn't have been surprised by this, since even though we have supposedly "reconciled" my mother still never initiates any contact with me and hasn't...well basically ever, I am still hurt by this.

Recently, elsewhere, someone posted a link about narcissistic mothers.  It has a list of 33 questions about your mother and "yes" answers indicate narcissistic traits. I answered yes to 25 of the questions.  And since then I've been reading a lot about narcissistic mothers, and so many things perfectly describe my mom. The way she was so focused on outward appearances constantly, the way she seemed to have one personality when she was home and an entirely different personality when in public, even the concept of the "golden child" vs. the "Scapegoat" perfectly describes me and my brother (I have an OTD brother who lived at home openly OTD, driving to work on shabbas, etc, until age 28. I was told to find another place to live after college because I was OTD even though I would never break shabbas or any rules in front of my parents.  He got a car from my parents and monetary help from my parents to this day, didn't work until he was done with college, I was told when I 16 that if I want to have any new clothes or do anything fun I should go get a job and have worked since then, and I've never owned a car except the one that came with my husband. As a child I had a very heavy chore load while he did basically nothing because "I'm older so I have more responsibilities" even though he's less than a year and a half younger than me).

According to what I've been reading there are two types of narcisstic mothers- the engulfing type (who doesn't let you have your own life) and the ignoring type (who only pays attention to you insofar as how you reflect on them in public).  I think my mom is the latter. 

Here's a description: Ignoring Parents: are Narcissistic Parents who don't actually care much about their children. Unlike Engulfing Parents, an Ignoring Parent sees the boundary between themselves and their child, and has no interest in their child.

This can be extremely confusing and bewildering as the child grows to feel unloved, uncared for, hindering future relationships for this child. Often, an Ignoring Parent doesn't even bother helping a child with physical cleanliness, teaching hygiene, or helping with school work.

I have tons of memories from my childhood of time with my dad- playing games together, him telling me and my brother stories before we went to bed, going on adventures every weekend (without my mom).  I don't have memories like this with my mother. Mostly because these types of things never happened with my mother- even though my dad worked like 70+ hours a week and my mom was a stay at home mom.  My strongest memory of my mother is the iconic position she had for most of my childhood - sitting on the couch with her nose buried in a book, not paying attention to the kids.  I felt like I struggled in childhood with hygiene issues because my parents never taught me certain things, and that I experimented a lot with how to take care of myself until I found things that worked for me, because I never had any guidance.

Once when I was around 3 years old and my brother was 2 years old, we were upstairs watching sesame street on tv by ourselves. And my brother climbed up on the window seat and pushed the screen out of the open window and fell out of the window. This is one of my earliest memories. My brother was perfectly fine (he landed on a bush) and my mom later loved to tell the story about how I came downstairs to where my mother was sitting on the couch reading, and said to my mom "D fell out the window" in a matter of fact voice.

But looking back...why were a 2 year old and a 3 year old sitting in front of a tv with no supervision on an entirely different floor of the house from my mother, while she was downstairs reading? Is that normal? I mean I don't have kids yet, but that seems a little young...why couldn't she be reading in the same room as the kids?  Why do I have so many memories of hanging with my brother at a very very young age and entertaining each other, alone, without my mom around?

Someone recently posted on facebook asking about childhood memories of being sick. Well my childhood memory of being sick is that every time i was home sick, I would sit in my parent's bed and watch all 3 star wars movies, or all 3 Indiana Jones movies. What I don't have any childhood memories of re: being sick is my mom. I mean I'm sure she was in the house since she was a stay at home mom, but it seemed her solution to me being home sick was to park me in front of a tv and go on doing her thing (usually curling up on the couch with a book). I remember having to get out of bed to get my own drinks/food/etc when I was sick.

Anyway these are all small things by themselves, but when taken together I just see a pattern of feeling like my mom was preoccupied with other things and that i was in charge of taking care of myself.

Thinking back, I almost think all the issues I had in high school re: fighting with my parents constantly might be related to this. Before high school I felt I was constantly ignored, while my brother, the "Golden child" got all the attention.  I got good grades and he didn't, and he got into trouble a lot at school while I never did (before high school).  Then in high school I stopped caring about my grades/stopped getting good grades, and started getting intro trouble in HS constantly.  Now I'm sure a lot of that was normal teenage rebellion/finding myself stuff, but looking back I think a part of me just wanted my mom to pay attention to me the way she paid attention to my brother, and I had this idea in my head that breaking the rules would get me more attention.

Realizing how much this stuff still affects me now makes me scared to become a parent...there is so much power to screw up your kid's head. Like take B- whenever B gets really depressed about something/feels bad about himself he said "I'm useless, I'm just completely useless."  Recently while hanging out with B's dad, his dad was telling a story about some fight they had when B was a teenager and said something like "B was being useless and I got really mad, etc"  And look- that's the exact same word B uses to describe himself when he feels bad about himself. 

My mom had lots of favorite expression as a kid that haunt me.  One is "I may have to love you but I don't have to like you."  She said that countless times to me as a teen and young 20 something, pretty much up until the time we stopped talking for several years. This was the only time she ever told me she loved me too- it was always followed by "but I don't have to like you." WTF is that? What that says to me is "I don't like you or love you (cause who loves people they don't like?) and I like pointing that out"  And you know what? I'm 75% convinced that the reason it was SO EASY for my mom to disown me and not talk to me for years on end whene I got married to B, was because she never liked OR loved me to begin with, and this was just a convenient excuse to cut me out of her life.

So where does this leave me now? I don't think my mom is going to magically change to be a warm loving person who gives a crap about me. And I definitely do not want to emulate her behavior subconsciously with my own child. And what I really don't want is to go on feeling bad about my mother. I already feel she has too much power over me.  I haven't even talked to her in over a month, and yet I woke up at 5am feeling bad about her today, and I think about her way too much in general. I want to move on from these issues because I feel they are holding me back, and I feel it's very important to have my mental shit together as much as possible re: my mother, before becoming a mother myself.

After checking around the internet I got a book from the library with the sappy title of "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of Narcissistic mothers." I read the book last weekend and there were lots of points in there that made me tear up a bit because they so accurately describe how I feel, and explain all these weird things I do and all my weird self esteem issues (like never becoming friends with people at the same "Rank" at work, always becoming friends with people at a lower "Rank" because I never feel like I'm good enough to be friends with people at the same level as me...).

The book basically says that the way to heal from mothers like this is to a) accept the fact that they aren't going to change, accept their limitations, and try to come to an understanding of why they are the way they are b) let yourself feel bad if you feel bad about things, let yourself grieve the mother you never had and the childhood you never had because if you repress your feelings about it and don't feel bad about it you'll never get over it c)start working to get over feelings of not being good enough that are based on your childhood

So I'm working on step one with a little bit of step 2. This weekend I called my grandmother (mom's mom) to tell her I was pregnant, and that really reminded me that my mom has her own narcissistic mother who probably taught her to act the way she does. That's scary because I see the inter-generational transmission of bad mothering that I don't want to continue, but it also helps me understand my mom a bit more. And the book also helped me understand my grandmother too- when I told her I was pregnant she was like "Ok" no congrats, no "bsh'aa tova" no nothing, and then instantly changed the subject to ask whether I had gotten a new job, since the last time I had talked to her like 6 months ago, I had mentioned that I was going to apply for a couple of jobs this year to see if I could move to a better university.  I told her the truth, that I didn't get a different job this year (I only applied to 4 and they were all top 20 universities, so a reach) but that I'm happy with my job now so I'm in a good place- if I get something better I can move, but either way I'll be happy. And she kept asking more about jobs and moving to a better university (not that the university I work at is "bad" by any means, but it sure ain't Harvard) even when I tried to change the subject back to the fact that I was pregnant.

Why change the subject to that? Well after thinking about it I can only conclude that my grandmother loves to brag about my academic achievements to her friends (which she does, the last time I saw her at my cousins' wedding she was going around introducing me to people as her granddaughter who was about to be a professor) but she can't brag about me having a kid because my husband isn't jewish and/or she has so many great grandchildren from my charedi cousins (8) that she doesn't care about more at this point. She only cares about the stuff she can use to make herself look better to her friends. And where does *she* get this from? Well her own mother died when she was 14, and she then had to basically raise her little brothers because she was the only girl and her father assigned all housework and childcare to her after her mom died. I can see how that would mess you up. 

Meanwhile, I see no indication that my grandmother cares about me as a person, anymore than I see my mother cares about me as a person.  Even before we stopped talking for several years, my mother never really wanted to hear about anything about my life and gave the distinct impression that she disapproved of anything I wanted to talk about- the only thing she wanted to hear about was my academic achievements and whether or not I was losing weight/going to the gym. She has always focused a LOT on my weight, ever since I went through puberty and stopped being a skinny bean pole kid. Appearances and achievements, but what about getting to know me as a person? I don't think she knows me at all.

I'm not really sure how to conclude this blog post other than to say these are things that have been on my mind, and I would like to move on from them, but for now I am in this "Processing my thoughts and emotions regarding this stuff" phase which it seems I have to go through in order to move on. Or at least I'm hoping that moving on will be the end result, that I will accept my mother's limitations and stop feeling so damn disappointed all the time because she's not being the mom she never was and is probably incapable of being.

Meanwhile, resolved to never use expressions like "I may have to love you but I don't have to like you" to my kids. Resolved to tell them I love them on a regular basis without it being followed by a snarky followup. Resolved to get to know them and their unique personality and not bury my nose in my laptop all night long the way my mom buried her nose in a book. Resolved to act more like my dad and less like my mom.

Also, I'm thinking I might want to learn more about quilting and make my baby a quilt from me, since my mom doesn't seem to be offering to make me one even though she's made dozens over the years for various other people...I guess those are only important when she wants to impress other people, not when her own daughter is having a baby. But why sit around being disappointed about her, why not just make the damn quilt myself? I found a link to an online tutorial for a simple-ish pattern here and it doesn't look too hard, although the person didn't really include info on how to do the back of the quilt...but I'm sure I can find info on that too. I don't know, maybe it's a ridiculous idea, and i may never actually do it, but something I'm contemplating...

Meanwhile today I am officially 14 weeks pregnant, which means as of today I am officially out of the first trimester and into the second! We recently did another ultrasound and got even cooler pictures in 3d. It was so awesome, we saw the baby jumping around and flipping over. At one point the baby flipped over so it's back was turned to us and it looked just like B does when he turns over in his sleep.  Much more exciting than the first ultrasound when it just looked like a peanut with a heartbeat. Baby was also tested for downs/trisomy stuff and it was all negative, yay! :)  I sometimes think I can feel the baby move now, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm not showing a crazy bump or anything, but I'm definitely getting wider, and I can't button my regular jeans anymore.  Unfortunately my daily throwing up has not gotten better but I'm hoping it will soon...

Top 5 things people say when they find out you are pregnant

5. Are you going to have the baby circumcised? (so far not my parents, but my inlaws and 2 colleagues, one of whom was disappointed cause they wanted to see a bris)

4. Some sort of weird thing about baby genitals (did you know some girls get a mini period when they are first born due to their mom's hormones, and that baby boys get erections? I do now!)

3. How they don't want to have kids (especially common among older women, they seem to repeat this 4 or 5 times and get very defensive about it. It's cool if you don't want to have kids ladies! I'm not judging you!)

2. Are you taking prenatal vitamins? (Way too common a question and one I'm starting to find incredibly patronizing)

1. Horrifying birth story of them/their partner/their kids/etc. (yesterday's involved seeing intestines during c-section and how walking into his ex's c section was like "walking into a science fiction story")

Told my parents! (Originally posted December 14, 2012)

So this morning I finally got up the courage to call my parents to tell them I was pregnant. It went pretty well. I called my dad's cell phone and he was like "congrats I know you've really wanted this" and then asked me all sorts of questions, and then he went and found my mom and she kinda paused and was like "that's very good to hear" and then BAM gave me like 30 minutes of pregnancy advice and asked me all these questions and was actually really cool about it.  So that was nice.  She kept giving me really simple advice like "are you on prenatal vitamins?  You know you should be drinking a lot of fluids right? You should be eating a lot of fruits and vegetables you know" lol.   I told her how I've been falling asleep at like 7pm every night and she told me about how when she was pregnant, Princess Diana was pregnant with Prince William (weird, and now I'm pregnant same time as not-really-Princess Kate!), and how the media started catching on to the fact that she was pregnant cause she kept falling asleep at like state functions. And not a single mention of religion or circumcision was made (better than I can say for my in laws who brought it up like the first conversation!)

So that went better than I expected I guess. :) I'm glad I've gotten it over with. I'm going to email them pictures from the ultrasound and they are going to email me pictures of the renovations they are doing on their condo in Florida that they are planning to retire to in a few years (which used to be my grandparents before they died). 

There was one sour note when my mom told me how she's having a party on Sunday and my entire extended family is coming.  Why? Cause I wasn't invited.  Why would she tell me that shit when she doesn't invite me? 

Pregnancy Dreams/ Ultrasound (originally posted December 12th, 2012)

I had a dream earlier this morning that I went to a nightclub/show with my dad, and he went off and started partying, and he was supposed to be my ride home after the show, but I couldn't find him. I tried calling him a million times but he wouldn't answer the phone and then my cell phone started breaking apart, and I called my parents house and someone there said my mom had disappeared too. And I went back to where his car was parked and it was gone.  So instead I walked over to a park a couple of miles away where there was a music festival  going on and crashed in a tent with my (hippie/festival) friends J, C, and L the clown (yes I have a friend who is a clown in real life). And in the end my parents went missing for 2 days because they were off partying, and I had to find my own way home in B's car.

My dreams are just obvious now...fear of being let down and abandoned by my parents and turning to my friends/B for help instead.  I still haven't told my parents. Maybe I'll call my dad in a few hours. Or over the weekend or something. Or maybe I'll just keep putting it off.

I told my other brother though (the religious one), and told him not to tell them- and he said he won't because he doesn't want to get in the middle of drama.  He mentioned something about how at least when I fight with my parents I can hang up on the phone, while he has to hear them bickering about my marriage all the time (since he moved back home while attending grad school). So I asked him what was up with that..what are they bickering about now, 3 and a half years after we got married? And he said something vague about how they are happy I'm married but unhappy about who I'm married to.

In pregnancy news, yesterday I had my first ultrasound. According to the thing I was 7 weeks 5 days pregnant yesterday, which gives me an estimated due date of July 25th, 2013, which is one day off from the day I thought it was. I went back and looked at my fertilityfriend chart (a website where you can track your temperatures for ovulation purposes), and I even checked off that I had ovulation pains that day! (November 1st).

The heart beat was 157, and we could see the heart flickering on the screen.  Actually, I missed like the first 30 seconds cause I didn't realize there was a screen overhead and thought she was going to turn the screen she was looking at next to me, which I couldn't see, ha. The whole thing went soo quickly, like only a few minutes, I hardly had time to adjust to what I was seeing. She also looked at my ovaries and measured them, and somehow determined that this egg came from my right ovary because of a special kind of cyst that forms there afterwards.



Then when we got home I scanned the pics they gave us and stared at this picture and I can swear I can see a little face towards the top of the picture, but maybe it's just my imagination or some trick of the light. Meanwhile, baby!  I think i can make out an arm in there and maybe some "footplates".  The lump in the middle of the three lumps is where the heartbeat was at. The round thing floating on top of the baby is the "yolk sac" which feeds the baby until it develops it's own digestion system develops more fully in a few weeks.

I thought when I saw the ultrasound I would feel more pregnant, and this would all feel more real, but I'm still not showing and apart from throwing up every morning, falling asleep every day at like 7pm and being insanely hungry in between (and gaining a few pounds so my pants are a little more snug- but possibly because I started eating carbs again), I don't look pregnant at all, so it's still a little hard to believe that thing up there is inside of me. Maybe when I can start feeling it move around/start showing it'll seem more real.

Talked to dad...but not about being pregnant

(Written December 9th, 2012)

My dad just called to wish me a happy chanukah. I told him how I've been reappointed after my third year review (meaning I have a guaranteed job until a year after I go up for tenure, and with the 1 year delay on my tenure clock I get due to having a baby, that means I have a job until 2018 at least), but I didn't tell him I was pregnant. In fact he flat out asked out the pregnancy thing was going and I super awkwardly was like "ehhh it's the same, whatever" basically flat out lying and saying I wasn't pregnant, and he was really insistent and asked a second time and I lied again!  What the hell, who flat out asks someone if they are pregnant, isn't that like not socially acceptable to ask people?I wonder if my brother said something to him or something...(he said he didn't)

I don't know what's wrong with me. My first ultrasound is on Tuesday. I don't want to tell him until after the first ultrasound, and I don't even know when I will feel ok telling him. I don't want to deal with it. At least not yet. I'm only 7 weeks, and I still have a high risk of miscarriage, and I don't want to have to start dealing with my dad sending me emails about how religion is important to a kid's life, or pressuring me to get my kid circumcised, or whatever crazy/annoying thing he is bound to do at some point.

Mommy issues (originally posted November 20th, 2012)

So last night me and B got to talking/arguing about my family and what we're going to do for thanksgiving after we have the baby. I said we should go to my parents house for thanksgiving if they invite us because we go to his parents for christmas, and he said he wants to spend both holidays with his parents and we can go to my parents some non-holiday time, cause why should they get to spend the holidays with our kids after the way they've treated us all these years.

At some point in the argument I started weeping hysterically, because I realized that this whole conversation was academic, because my parents have never invited my husband to their house ever, let alone invited us both over for thanksgiving. O, pregnancy. I don't even remember the last time I cried, I think it was before I even moved to the south. O wait, I think it was actually that time I couldn't have hush puppies a few months ago.  B got all concerned and nice but I felt bad and was like "I'm not trying to win this argument by crying I swear, I can't help it!" But then that turned into a long crying rant about my parents and how much they suck and how my dad is totally going to be offering to pay for circumcisions if we have a boy even though I don't want to circumcise our kids.

I've been thinking about my parents a lot lately, and how they are going to react when we tell them. Especially my mom. My dad I'm actually not worried about at all- every time we talk he keeps asking how TTC is going, he's suggested I pray to try to get pregnant (which I never responded to that email- but in retrospect, yeah, that probably means he's not anti-me getting pregnant) and I know he will be super excited about being a grandpa. Heck, my entire teenagehood/20somethingyears he was shoving babies into my arms and taking pictures while I held it awkwardly, while I guess he was imagining himself as a grandpa. In fact we had huge arguments in my early 20s cause at the time I wasn't sure I ever wanted to have kids (wasn't really sure about that until I met B / was in my late 20s) and he would argue about how what's the point of life, etc.

Anyway, I am really not at all worried about my dad, but I am super worried about how my mom is going to react, and it's been really pissing me off the past few days that I AM worried about this, that instead of plotting how I *get* to tell my parents they are going to be grandparents the first time, I'm worried about how to *break the news* that they are going to have a grandchild whose father will be a man they have met twice and disapprove of. Why do my parents/mom have to be such fucking jerks and threaten that my "kids will be totally estranged from the rest of my relatives" when I was getting married, and so now put a shadow over a time when I should just be happy and thrilled and not have to worry about this bullshit. I just keep flashing back to when I called my mom to tell her I was engaged, and she was silent for like an entire minute and then when I was finally like "So...are you going to say anything?" she was like "You know how I feel!" and hung up on me and then we didn't talk for like 4 years. Until last thanksgiving in fact.

I want my kid(s) to have a relationship with their grandparents on my side (although not one where my parents are trying to convert them). I want my mom to make a baby quilt for my kid the way she made baby quilts for all my cousins when they had their first kids. I want me and my husband and kids to go visit my parents down in their Florida condo (that they inherited from my grandparents and are planning to retire to) the way I used to visit my grandparents living in that same condo, and hide awkwardly in the second bedroom with my kids the way my parents and us used to hide from my grandparents in that same room.

I'm want to wait a bit longer to tell them, although I am probably going to talk to them on Thanksgiving and who knows, I am terrible at keeping secrets so I might just blurt it out. But what I also really don't want is to have a miscarriage (well in general I don't want that), for me to have to tell my parents, and for my mom to be secretly thinking that I am being punished for not being religious.

On the other hand, the longer I wait to tell them, the longer I have to worry about how they will react, which has now led to at least one weeping episode. So maybe I should tell them sooner, just to get it over with.

I was talking to another former-orthodox jewish friend of mine who also has a really bad relationship with her mother, and she told me that she is always making friends with older ladies her mom's age as substitute mothers...and it struck me that I totally do the same thing. My adviser/coauthor from college is in her early 60s, and has been like a substitute mom for me- she's come to visit me down here more than my mom has (twice now), she actually came to my wedding unlike my own mom, and even gave a little speech during the ceremony (which my MIL also did). Here in the south, my closest friends in my department are women my mom's age- my chair (late 50s/ early 60s) my department secretary (early 60s) and a deadhead prof I go to shows with (exactly 60 years old). At my 30th birthday party this year there were more 60somethings than 30somethings. There are lots of people/women in the department much closer to my age, and yet I became much better friends with all the ones who are the same age as my mom. Woah.

Meanwhile, when I told my brother he sent me a bunch of text messages asking how B and I feel about it, how I'm feeling in general, etc. It was really nice, I didn't expect him to be all protect-y like that. :)

Pregnant! (originally posted November 13th, 2012)

This morning my temps were still super high (usually when I'm about to get my period they drop), and when I checked what was going on period-wise overnight it was only very very faint light pink spotting. Like the kind that sometimes pregnant women get when a fetus implants in them (when it implants it diverts your blood vessels to the baby and many women bleed a bit during this time).

So I took a pregnancy test.

And it was positive.

hooooooolllllly shit. I am still in denial about it I think, and it wasn't the darkest line ever, but it was a definite fucking positive.

Going to wait till I have to pee again and then take one of my expensive pregnancy tests. And then I guess....call the gynocologist? I have no idea what to do at this point, if I am pregnant (I guess I shouldn't say if) I'm only about 3 weeks pregnant right now. My due date would be sometime between July 24th and July 26th 2013.

Meanwhile this may explain my incredibly bizzare sleep patterns the last few days...i've been falling asleep between 6 and 8pm and not waking up until 8 or 9 in the morning. Last night I tried to stay away to watch how I met your mother (at 8pm) and fell asleep on the couch halfway through the episode.

And in conclusion, HOLY SHIT.

ETA: Took a second test (The expensive kind). Also positive.

Damn you body! (Originally posted November 12th, 2012)

Just started spotting pinkish blood, which is right about on schedule since I'm due to get my period tomorrow if I'm not pregnant. FUCK. Now I have to go in for "more tests" whatever the fuck that means (I fear transvaginal ultrasounds) so I can find out what additional things are wrong with my body. Plus B gets to go jerk off in a cup or whatever. Plus I'm out of clomid prescriptions, so who knows how long it'll be until I ovulate again since I'm guessing I won't be able to get an appointment I the next two days before I would need to start taking it this cycle.

I'll wait until I'm 100% sure I got my period to call them (tomorrow) but damn...I was so hopeful, my temps were very high this morning (and usually they drop before I get my period) so I was hoping that meant I wasn't about to get my period and instead might have been pregnant...dammit. .

Intermission: So I AM invited home?

So this is a non previously written post. I still have around 2-3 weeks of scheduled posts until we catch up with the present day re: trying to conceive (which will post every Monday Wednesday and Friday- one just posted a few minutes ago) but here's a post about some stuff going on in real time.

On Friday I happened to talk to my parents and they mentioned they were having a big family get together on Sunday. Which I of course was not invited to, despite the fact that we've supposedly 'reconciled' over a year ago and I could have TOTALLY gone since my semester ended a week ago and I've mostly been sitting around all week since then (today I'm going back to work though sadly, need to start getting some research done as I have to revise a journal article that got a "Revise and resubmit" that is due February, and write another paper to submit to a conference in January).

Anyway last night my dad sent me like 100 pictures of the family gathering which made me realize just how long it's been since Ive been home...I haven't been home since 2009. My family is getting old.  My grandparents have aged rapidly. My cousins all have kids and those kids are no longer babies. My baby cousin is an adult teenager.  I haven't seen any of them in years.  My dad said in the email "Everyone was here for our chanukah party today"

So I wrote back: "Everyone minus a few.  Must have missed our invite."

And this was my dad's response: "Obviously, it was intended for local folks who could drive here. I had no idea you wanted to be invited to these things, being 9 hours away.  The next scheduled family lunch is for Purim at Aunt E's house."

So now I'm just confused.  Really?  He had no idea I wanted to be invited home when my entire extended family was invited over?  I mean I live 9 hours away now, but for the first 2 years of not being invited home I lived only 2 hours away. And I regularly drive 9-10 hours to visit my inlaws every Thanksgiving and Christmas, which he knows about.  And plus, we both know the reason I haven't been invited home all these years is cause of B.  So what the hell is this email? Is he just trying to pretend like the last 5 years never happened?  And now I'm invited to my (Chaeredi/ultra orthodox) Aunt E's place for Purim next year? (which I can't go to, that's right in the middle of the semester).  I don't know, I don't know what to write back to this, but I feel like he's trying to act all coy and innocent like it's somehow been my fault for not coming there to visit more often, when I've specifically been excluded from being invited home for several years. 

Tentative draft of a response: "Yes of course I want to be invited to family get togethers, why wouldn't I? You know we visit B's parents 2-3 times a year and they live 10 hours away, we wouldn't be able to come up to visit you? We probably wouldn't come up for every get together, and we would need some advanced notice so we could arrange a dogsitter, but we could probably make it up there once a year or so...the only thing stopping us is that we have never been invited." 

Ovulation? (Originally posted November 1st 2012)

So yesterday I peed an almost-positive ovulation test, and today I peed a definitely positive ovulation test, so yay, a chance to get pregnant again! I've also been getting ovary-area cramps for the past hour or so which I take to be a good sign. Today is only day 26 of my cycle- still much longer than it should take me to ovulate considering I'm on clomid, have lost 30 pounds in the last 3 months by eating less than 50 grams of carbs a day, and have been drinking vitex tea (vitex is shown to regulate hormones related to the reproductive system and I'm pretty sure it's helped me ovulate in the past- and my temps have been much steadier since I started drinking this tea every day), but much less than the 53 days it took me to ovulate last cycle!

So it seems all this weight loss work has helped for something at least. Also, the insulin spots are still on my thigh but barely there (very much faded) and my knuckles and elbows are no longer black, although my elbows are still a bit darker than they probably should be. But much lighter than they've been for as long as I can remember!

I found a ribbon to wrap around my wedding ring on the bottom half so it won't fall off my finger which it was in danger of doing (and did once already, but I saw/heard it and picked it up). It might look weird when I gesticulate in class though, but oh well, I'd rather look stupid than lose my wedding ring.

So now will continue doing it for a few more days until ovulation is confirmed with a temp spike (you get a positive test a day or two before ovulation and a temperature spike after ovulation) and then wait a few weeks...ahh!

Level Accomplished (originally posted October 16th, 2012)

As of this morning I have lost 28.6 pounds since my high weight in January and 22.2 pounds since I started low carbing and walking (almost) every day nearly 3 moths ago. That is more than 10% of my body weight in the last 3 months.

Today I met my first major goal- 191.2, or officially out of the "Obese" BMI category, and now in the "overweight" category. My BMI is now 29.9.

Now the trick is for this to actually work re: Me ovulating in a reasonable amount of time. I took the second round of clomid last week. My health insurance wouldn't cover it cause they are bastards and they don't cover infertility (not sure how they covered the first round, maybe it was an accident), but thankfully it was only $20 out of pocket. I'm taking ovulation pee tests (they are kinda like pregnancy tests but tell you if you are about to ovulate) and if it works the way it's supposed to I should ovulate sometime this weekend. Of course I'm not counting on that.

Today I'm traveling to a conference. I'll be there until Thursday but that's day 12 so I shouldn't have ovulated by then. Hopefully the stress of traveling won't fuck up my cycle again but I'm already afraid it will. Last time I traveled the first day I got a positive ovulation test and then didn't end up ovulating for another month. Hoping this time since I am traveling before ovulation it won't fuck me too badly, but with my fertility luck it probably will sigh.

If i don't get pregnant this cycle I have to go back to the doctor for "more tests" (that my insurance will not cover) and B will have to come in for tests too, so really hoping it works this time around.

Annnd (Originally posted October 7th, 2012)

I got my period. Out for this cycle. "Bright" side: At least it's only been 65 days since i last got my period, so this cycle only lasted a little over 2 months. The one before that went up to 117 days and then I only got my period by inducing it with drugs.

Sometime today or tomorrow I have to go to CVS to get my second (and last before I go back to the doctor and/or find a Reproductive endocrinologist which I'm probably going to do instead) round of clomid. Last time if it worked it worked crappily if at all (hey at least I ovulated and got my period eventually!), but I'm optimistic this month will go better. For one, I've now lost about 25 pounds in total, vs. around 10 the first time I took clomid 65 days ago, and have been low carbing for almost 3 months vs. 2 weeks. For two, right around when I thought I was going to ovulate last cycle (CD17 when I had a dark but not completely positive ovulation test) I flew to my trip, and think that messed with my cycle cause whenever I fly around when I'm supposed to ovulate I seem to ....not. In fact the previous ridicuously long cycle- I think part of that is that I naturally ovulate maybe every 2 months (normal cycle is around 55-75 day) but 2 months into THAT cycle I flew to NYC.

Of course now that I say that, I'm flying a week from Tuesday for another conference. But I'm hoping since that'll be less than 10 days into my cycle it won't mess with ovulation this time.

I also started taking vitex cactus about 45days through this last cycle- it's a herb that improves pituitary gland function, normalizes your hormones, and increases lutenizing hormone, which is the hormone that makes you ovulate. A little more than a week after I started taking it I ovulated. I then stopped taking it since you aren't supposed to take it if you might be pregnant, but I got some vitex tea (which is mixed with a couple of other things like green tea and raspberry leaf which is supposed to help, and is ridiculously called "Fertilitea" and makes me feel like I'm buying some charlatan bullshit) and I'm going to drink it twice a day this cycle in hopes that I might ovulate in a reasonable amount of time and may have a chance of actually getting pregnant.

Meanwhile I'm sick as shit with my traditional "got a cold right before getting my period" cold which seems extra harsh this month. Yesterday spent the day blowing my nose and today it seems to have moved into my lungs whilst still staying in my nose. Hoping today will be the worst of it (and hey, now that I know I'm not pregnant I can take cold meds!).

In a funk (Originally posted October 2nd, 2012)

Despite supposedly reconciling with my family and meeting up in June, since then I've talked to my mom once in early August and not since then. In that phone convo she said she would respond to a recent email I had sent her about my PCOS diagnosis, but she never did respond. I've talked to my dad one additional time last month when he called to basically remind me about a religious holiday and got off the phone after 5 minutes. Then he sent me an email trying to convince me to pray, which I still haven't written back to. After years of telling him we shouldn't talk about religion, he still doesn't get it. And I don't think despite the fact that we are "talking" I'm going to be invited home anytime soon. unless I somehow manage to actually get pregnant, in which case for the rest of my life Ill be afraid my parents are trying to missionize my kids.

I'm pretty sure I ovulated 8 days ago, which would be day 53 since I last got my period. So there is like a 5% chance I'm pregnant. But since it took SO long until I actually ovulated, meaning the clomid didn't work (yay, no easy fixes!), chances are it's not a viable egg anyways.  Anyway if my temps stay high I guess that'll mean I can take a pregnancy test this weekend or early next week or something, but I do not have very high hopes at this point.

I did lose almost 26 pounds since my high weight in May, but I'm still "obese" and have been stuck bouncing up and down from 194ish to 198ish for about a month. Also it's been raining a lot the last week so I've been totally slacking on my walking every day which does not make me feel good about myself. Meh.   At least I will be starting my second round of clomid with more than 2 months of low carbing under my belt, that can only help. The first round I had only been low carbing for a week or two.

Ahhh dad (Originally posted September 21st, 2012)

So this is really a topic for my ex-Jew blog, but I haven't been writing about my PCOS/infertility stuff there so far, so it's going to have to go here instead for now. As an aside, I also haven't written a single blog entry on my jew blog since getting diagnosed, and I think it's because if I can't talk about this, I have nothing to say, but I'm not ready to be public with this stuff. But maybe I really should be. I just don't want judgmental douches being like "god is punishing you for being an atheist."

Anyway I told my parents about this stuff a month or two ago and earlier this week when I talked to my dad (for the annual rosh hashana phone call I get) he asked how stuff was going and I told him that the clomid isn't working (which so far it hasn't - now been 49 days since I last got my period and I haven't ovulated yet) but I lost 20 pounds, etc. Anyway today I get this pile of bullshit from him:

"Hi Abandoning Eden,,

How are you doing?

I was thinking of you at Rosh Hashanah. They gave me an aliyah to the Torah at shul and I had them make a "Mishebayrach" prayer for you. [EDITOR NOTE: THIS MEANS HE HAD THEM SAY A PRAYER IN MY HONOR]

The assistant rabbi pointed out that the Torah and Haftorah focused on women who had trouble conceiving. The Torah portion related the story of Sarah while the Haftorah from the first chapter in Samuel discussed the story of Hannah and how she had her fertility problems as well. The rabbi pointed out that the lesson we were supposed to glean is that prayer was able to change the outcome for these two women, (they were able to conceive/give birth to famous, healthy children) and that we should take prayer more seriously.

Since these are the days when we Jews take prayer more seriously I thought it wouldn't hurt to pray. It could only help. Maybe you can still find a prayer group on or near campus that has services for Yom Kippur and sneak in there for a few minutes of prayer and reflection. You never know...

Wishing you guys all the best...

Love, Abba"

ERRMAHGERD! Like, I know he is just trying to be helpful, but dear lord does my father NOT KNOW ME AT ALL. This advice is laughable. I'm not sure if this is him trying to sneakily get me to pray on yom kippur instead of the plans I already have- to teach 5 hours of classes and go to 3 hours of meetings. Or what. But...like...srsly...OMG.  I'm not even writing back, cause there's nothing I can say that won't be snarky, and I know he is just trying to help in his completely backwards non-helpful way.  That or he is taking advantage of my issues to try to kiruv me. Yeah, I think not responding would be best.