Thursday, December 27, 2007

Why arn't I trying anymore?

Someone commented on a post of mine suggesting I go to Israel for a summer maybe and really give myself a chance to really learn about Judaism before I do something irreversible (like marry B). So leaving B completely out of this, this is why I'm not going to:

As for going to Israel the summer...Well, first of all, it's logistically impossible. I don't get any financial help from my parents (and haven't for years) and I need to work in the summers in order to live (I teach summer college classes, since I don't get a stipend during the summer- I'm a phd student). Even if somehow I got a full scholarship to an Israel program, I still would have to pay rent on my apartment while I was gone (which is over $1000 a month) not to mention I have 2 cats that would somehow need to be taken care of. Technically i have savings that I can dip into, but they are savings so that when I get my PhD and move off to wherever I land a faculty job, I can buy a house. I don't think learning in Israel would be a good alternative investment.

Second of all, I also have already been to Israel several times...i lived there for a summer when I was 14 (in a lovely west bank settlement), and visited 5 other times with my family, and went on birthrite when I was in college. I talked to several rabbis/rabbinical students each time I was there (especially on birthrite when our trip director was a rabbinical student who I highly respect) and I've never heard anything that would have changed my mind.

Third of all, I feel like I HAVE had a good jewish education. I went to a yeshiva for preschool, elementry school middle school and high school. There were 3 different schools there in the north jersey/nyc/NYS area (I ended up in a different school for 7th and 8th grade than the rest of elementry school) and it may be that those particular schools might have all sucked, but they are all 3 pretty well respected schools in the Jewish community. I also learned at a weekly gemarah shiur with my dad from the time I was 10 until around 17. I admit I didn't do the year after college in israel since I was already pretty sure at least orthodox Judaism was wrong at that point, and the thought of spending a year learning more wrong things sounded pretty useless to me at the time, and I was eager to start college where I could actually learn things I wanted to learn about.

While in college i went to a weekly "lunch and learn"s with the local rabbi for 3 years, went to other talks about judaism all the time and participated in a bunch of jewish events including Birthrite, Shabbatons (that I organized in some cases), regular shiurim and I just generally hung around Hillel all the time (i was even VP of Hillel for a semester, and on the executive planning committe of Hillel for 3 years). Me and some of my jewish friends (from varying backgrounds) used to sit around and have long debates about various religious subjects. Even in grad school, for the first 2 years (I'm in my 4th year now) I went to a thousand jewish grad student events, even as i was more and more convinced that judaism was misguided and wrong..because for a while the Jewish community was a place I wanted to be. I have talked to awesome rabbis who were orthodox, conservative, reform (not reconstructionist though), people who were considered leaders of their community, most of whom were people I respected.

And I have never heard a convincing explanation for all the contradictions I see, and I have never been convinced that the religion was made up by God and not people. In fact, if anything, the more I learned, the more i was convinced the religion was made up by people. Pretty smart people to be sure, but people nonetheless.

I feel like I have given it a shot, and I forced myself to give it a shot even in the face of my huge amount of skepticism. Not only that, I WANTED to believe in it. Do you know how much easier my life would be if I did? Most of my family apart from my parents/brothers don't talk to me anymore becuase they know i'm not religious, and my relationship with my parents is certainly strained as a result. My brother still lives at home at age 24 (and my mom still does his laundry), but I was cut off right after college and told I couldn't live at home because of my beliefs (and in college i only got tuition paid by my parents at my cheap state school, and I paid for everything else myself). I LIKE my family, or at least I did before they were such douchebags to me, and i never wanted to get ostrasized by them. Not to mention the built-in jewish community that exists everywhere and that I could instantly be a part of if only i could bring myself to believe, or even pretended I believed (which I did for many many many years..)

Even as I was keeping less and less mitzvot, I have tried every brand of Judaism out there, hoping one would stick. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't that I didn't believe in God, it was just a problem with Orthodoxy..so i went to Conservative and Reform and Reconstructionist services on several different occasions, trying to find one that felt right. I went to several different kinds of sevices for each, including different orthodox services (on the premise that it may have been the particular community I grew up in that I had a problem with, and that other orthodox people would be better). And nothing.

So why arn't I orthoprax if I see all the advantages to being so (which I do)? Why don't I even pretend that I go to conservative services or just suck it up and sit through them or something (which would make my parents overjoyed at this point). Why don't I keep dating jews with the hope that one day I'll meet someone I can fall in love with depsite our religious differences? In sum, why have I given up on trying?

Well for one, I've never been a good liar. I don't know what it is, but it's both totally repugnant to me to lie about who I am, and I wouldn't be very good at it if I tried. But I did try! I lived a double life for many years, even after i was "out" to my parents (who i found it impossible to lie to given that I saw them on a regular basis), I met many other jewish people at the hundreds of jewish events i went to, and everyone operated under the assumption that i shared their beliefs, because I didn't tell them otherwise. I only dated jewish guys, but I looked for the jewish guys who had absolutely no affiliation with judaism, and who just knew that they were jewish (and there are a lot of guys like that out there, beleive me, i've dated many of them in my area. they are pretty easy to find on jdate).

Anyways, i don't know if any of you have tried it (and presumably a lot of you skeptics have), but living the double life sucks. I lost my beliefs long before I left the Jewish community, and interacting with other Jews who assumed I beleived the same things as them made me extremely uncomfortable. I felt fake. It made me nervous. I fell into long bouts of depression (months long) where I would force myself to go to jewish dinners, and then would come home and sleep for a day and feel like crap (well, not like crap, more like nothing would ever matter and life was crap). I started smoking things that I won't mention by name here (but that rhymes with "read") before friday night shabbat dinners on a regular basis (which I went to the first few years of grad school around twice a month), because when I did I could at least get over the uncomfortableness I felt enough to actually get myself to go there, and once I was there I could pretend all I wanted with no problem, as long as I was still fucked up at the time. Then I stopped smoking (mostly because my guy moved to california), and I started getting panic attacks instead. Before shabbat dinners (especially on the way over), before and after dates with jewish guys (especially when they wanted to go on a second date), even seeing the Hillel program director in the distance made me start to hyperventilate. It got to the point where I was having at least one major panic attack a week..usually on friday nights. I ended up going to a shrink for a year, which i'm not going to go into...but anyways, as a result of a heck of a lot of introspection, I ended up distancing myself from the jewish community. I also took a long time off from dating. And you know what? I haven't had a panic attack in almost a year and a half now. Not one. And I also have only been to one friday night dinner that whole time. And I started dating people who weren't jewish. Well, not a lot of people. Actually, B is only the second person I went on a date with who wasn't Jewish, since I was still of the mindset that I should date jewish people if possible (since I knew that my parents would flip out), but I decided that I shouldn't close myself off to not-jewish people, as long as I felt a connection to them already. I had no panic attacks after me and B's first date (which wasn't even really a date, we just hung out alone and talked for a few hours, didn't even go anywhere, but that would have previously been enough to send me off)...just butterflies cause I liked him so freakin much.

Actually, that's not true, I did have one panic attack earlier this year...when my dad offered me a free trip to israel with him to visit my cousins in the west bank. I initially accepted, and then had a panic attack after thinking about what it would actually entail (including spending shabbat in a settlement with no buses running at my extremely relgious orthodox cousin's house) and ended up backing out of the trip. So yeah, I don't think at this point a trip to Israel is going to be so helpful to me :)

I don't really know how to end this, other then to say..i have tried. I felt I've tried enough, and at this point there is nothing more i can do. I still actually read a few orthodox blogs, to see if there's any new ideas out there that will resonate with me...and there's nothing. I feel as if I don't have the personality to be able to be religious. Or something. I wish I could...sometimes, although I gotta say living my life the way I want to live it with no laws or bounderies other then the ones I set for myself is totally awesome. But at this point religion makes me physically ill, so I'm going to have to stay with the life I've chosen- and I gotta say, even with dealing with crap from my family and all the negativity that comes from that, at this point in my life I'm pretty much the happiest I've ever been. Part of that might be B, but before meeting him I was also the happiest I've ever been. So I'm going to stick with that :)

35 comments:

  1. It's very difficult to get worked up about religion when you view it as just another human construct.

    My solution was to acknowledge that what I really am is a humanist - I believe in people, and, even though my belief is sorely tested every day, I believe that that the only way to dig ourselves out of the mess that we've created is to work together and not to let trivial matters like religion divide us.

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  2. Wow. Your blog is a live commentary on the schedule academics have. Suddenly, between semesters, you've been blogging up a storm! Imagine how often you'd post if you didn't have to study, write papers, teach, and grade all the time.

    (I'm married to a former academic. I almost didn't see her at all from Sept-Dec and Jan-May)

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  3. How would your parents answer if they were presented with your situation in these terms:

    I know that ideally you'd like your daughter to both religious AND happy. However, it cannot be both.

    Taking that as a given, would you rather she be religious but miserable, with panic attacks and other psychological issues, or would you prefer she not be religious but be happy and laid back and fulfilled with her life & career?

    I sincerely hope it would be the latter. What do you think they would say?

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  4. Yehudi- I think it's more that I'm stuck in the midwest for 2 weeks at B's parents and there's literally nothing to do here...I've seen about 15 movies in the past week, we've gone to all the places around here that there are to go, (the closest city is an hour's drive away, and we've been to the zoo and the aquarium and the museums there already) and so I spend hours a day on the internet, cause that's the only thing I got (we can't even watch tv, cause the one tv is always being used by his parents). So basically I sit here and blog while B plays computer games right next to me :)

    And I think my parents would respond that my soul is more important than my immidiate happiness or something along those lines..

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  5. AE, you are undoubtedly aware of this, but maybe you're not: you can watch most network tv programs on the internet now. I stayed with supah-frummies who didn't have a tv for almost a month, and at night I caught up on Grey's Anatomy, House, 24, etc.

    Regarding the more serious stuff, you know I can't leave it alone....will comment later. Let me just say one thing: if you go to Israel, I will totally take care of your cats. :)

    -WG

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  6. AE,

    You have an unbelievable blog. I stayed up till 3am a several nights ago reading it from the very beginning. Thanks for sharing and for how well written the blog is.

    I am in a somewhat similar boat. I have moved away from religion, but my family does not seem to accept it.

    It's always, just attend this lecture or just read this book or just go to shul on this day or just go to Israel for a month, etc...

    I don't think there is anything at this point that's going to change your mind (or mine). In fact, it's kind of insulting to insinuate that your thought process over the last 10 years can be reversed by being locked up in the west bank for a month.

    I'll take happiness over religion any day. Unfortunately for me, my realization came after I married+kids, etc... The result is an unhappy marriage with barely contained revulsion towards each other.

    For me (and maybe others), the feelings only intensified as I got older. Thus making any kind of happiness impossible, since I'd have to pretend/lead a double life. So my recommendation is go for happiness.

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  7. What exactly convinced you Judaism isn't true. Just curious. I can't find it in your blog, if there is a post on that.

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  8. I re-read your post. Very heartfelt, and I hear your frustration.

    You are happy now. Will you be happy always? Will your choice bring you the deep-seated, long-term satisfying happiness we all crave?

    I'm asking you to give it one more chance. Yes, you went to some good schools, but obviously they weren't good for you, I mean, if teachers actually dismissed your questions and made you feel wrong for asking them, how good can they have been?

    Also, this is not just about education. This is about God. Because that's what it all boils down to. How can you buy into any religion without believing in God?

    Here's a stupid question...have you tried a Discovery weekend? Much cheaper than a trip to Israel (and unlikely to trigger a panic attack, since you can leave any time you want to). That is another place where questions will be welcome.

    I guess I'm saying that I'd hate to lose you. And realize that when you make this choice, ultimately, you will be lost to your people. And that will suck. Maybe you've tried. I totally believe you. But you are at a crossroads now. Try one more time.

    -WG

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  9. Your post was awesome, intense, honest and emotional. As a parent myself I am trying to relate to how your family treats you. I am not a religious jew but I am a jew. I don't believe in MAN MADE RELIGION and I do believe all religion is basically man made. I would consider myself a spiritualist. I totally believe in God and I am proud to be of a jewish heritage. Everyone must find their way in life. That is why God gave us free will. To be a good person, honest and live a good clean life ..well what is better than that? Rituals and laws and rules and yes this week,,,no to that another week..don't eat this, don't go there..OY VEY..you are a courageous person and I am sorry your decision has caused you grief (due to other peoples reactions) but this is your journey and it is not the destination that counts..it is truly the journey that counts the most.
    Good luck to you..I enjoy your blog because it is so honest and filled with emotion.

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  10. I just want to add this:

    If you are where you are right now after having grown up in a frum environment, attending good Yeshivot, and being surrounded by a healthy, nurturing frum family, then the Jewish community has failed you in some way. But the thing is, the Jewish community can no longer reach out to you. If you care, it is you who must reach out to them, and (unfair as it is) try again.

    What I'm hearing is that you don't care anymore. But I also hear some hesitation. Am I reading that wrong? I might be. But then I look at the title of your blog, which I realize you must have meant as tongue-in-cheek, but AE, you are not just abandoning Eden, you are abandoning your people, people like me who give a damn when we realize how badly we have failed you as your community. Should I stop commenting on your blog and go away? Is the discussion pretty much over? Do you really not care anymore? Are you done here?

    -WG

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  11. JP- I haven't written about it, cuase I don't really want to get into a debate about it. This blog is about the consequences of the believe rather than the causes of those beliefs. :)

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  12. webgirl: I can't tell the future, and my dad has made the same argument to me...that even though not living a religious life makes me happy now, it will not make me happen in the long term. But I don't see why living the life i've happily lived for 10 years is going to magically start making me unhappy in the future...that sounds like wishful thinking to me.

    Not every teacher has turned away my questions, and few rabbis have. But they have not answered my questions satisfactorally, no.

    What is a discovery weekend?

    Hmm, I want to answer honestly here...I don't think there is any hesitation. I will listen to the lectures you sent me (when I get back to the east coast and actually have my ipod which i foolishly left at home...I figure it'll be good to listen to while doing some mindless data entry stuff I have to get through, and I'm still interested in what she has to say), but no, nothing you can say at this point is going to change my mind. I do welcome your comments, but if you are commenting here with the aim of trying to get me to become more religious or go back to my jewish roots, you will be dissapointed.

    On the other hand, I like your comments, and you're one of the few orthodox people who have commented here who I ctually respect (because you arn't just spewing hatred at me like most of the other ones), and I like a diversity of opinions, so please stay :) Or don't if it makes you uncomfertable, but I'm going to keep reading your blog cause it's interesting :)

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  13. Discovery weekened.

    I believe its just one of the kiruv orgainzations attempt at scientifically prooving Judaism is correct

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  14. I don't see why it's a problem that religion is man made... But my vision of God is different that what God is supposed to be. I think we're a part of the collective that is something of what that higher power is. Thus humans made Judaism.... that sounds just fine to me. To me it's even more powerful that it is our ancient collective learnings and methods to live by. But whatever, more matza for me :) We gotta live the way we each find meaning. :)

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  15. AE, I believe you will be happy in the future. I think your mentality/personality/character type just doesn't sit well with religion and there's nothing to be done about that. I think you will be able to find meaning in relationships, contemplation and work. My blessing to you is never to stop growing as a person.

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  16. AE, how were you able to study with all those panic attacks? Did it affect you academics?

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  17. jerry- a panic attack doesn't last very long. and you don't need to study every second of the day :) (even as a grad student)

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  18. Yeah, living the double life does suck.

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  19. Discovery weekend- VERY bad idea, especially for someone with the extensive background you have. It's a condescending kiruv group that relies heavily on Bible "codes" and "scientific" explanations for Judaism. ie: crap. Here's a link: http://www.aish.com/discoveryisrael/index.html

    I'm Orthodox and I agree with a previous comment- it sounds like you just don't have the personality/psychology for religion. But it sounds like you're very fulfilled now and I doubt much will change in the future. (In fact, if you do marry and have kids, your fulfillment will probably only grow).

    On that note, once kids enter the picture, your parents will probably soften, no matter what tune their whistling now. Grandparents can't resist grandchildren- and they'll probably justify their softening with "Oh, they're Jewish anyway", etc.

    Just get ready for them trying to co-opt your children's education, etc. Best of luck and happy new year.

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  20. Yehudi Hilchati wrote:

    How would your parents answer if they were presented with your situation in these terms:

    I know that ideally you'd like your daughter to both religious AND happy. However, it cannot be both.

    Taking that as a given, would you rather she be religious but miserable, with panic attacks and other psychological issues, or would you prefer she not be religious but be happy and laid back and fulfilled with her life & career?

    I sincerely hope it would be the latter. What do you think they would say?


    If Abandoning Eden's parents begin with the premise that if AE is not Orthodox, not observant, or marries a non-Jew, she will be committing a terrible sin and will lose her portion of Olam Habba, then it might be completely rational for them to prefer that she remains miserable than that she performs one of those terrible sins.

    I do not believe that premise is true or is founded upon any convincing evidence. (I doubt any afterlife exists at all.) Yet unless AE can convince her parents that this premise should not be accepted (which is probably unlikely), it might be very difficult for AE to convince them that they shouldn't prefer her to be miserable.

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  21. I was married to a non-Jew and tried to become a gentile but it wasnt really me. You will find out if you stay with B long enough that it isn't you, either. I have been frum for eight years. I am miserable, but, as you will see also, being miserable has nothing to do with whether you are frum or not. You are making your frum upbringing a scapegoat for your unhappiness, which has nothing to do with religious practices.

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  22. BTW, I lived on a llama farm with my gentle wife and used to go see jam bands all the time. Unhappiness is about not accepting the human condition as we find it, thinking things should be "different".
    If you go ahead with B, you will alienate your family, which is something that will definitely add to your unhappiness in the long term.

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  23. YM, it seems like she's already alienated from her family.

    Also, if you look at her past posts & comments, it seems that AE isn't planning on "beloming a gentile". she has said that she will teach her kids about Jewish culture & history and involve B as well. She's just rejecting the religious part.

    AE, I don't mean to speak for you - if I've misrepresented your feelings on this issue, please correct me.

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  24. Marrying non jewish has been done before and successfully.

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  25. AE, don't lose your time: marry B and hurry to strike the iron while it's hot. Have kids too - you'll be happy and fulfilled.

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  26. Zero, she's only 25. What's the rush?

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  27. Children are happiness. Enjoy them in your youth.

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  28. I totally agree with this chick. The good side of Judaism!!!
    http://rinaface.blogspot.com/2008/01/logic-block.html

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  29. if you indeed wish to try yiddishkeit again then i could cover ALL your costs.
    ']

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  30. YH and zero,
    1) Marrying a non-Jew equals trying to become a gentile. In my mind, a gentile and a secular person is the same thing. If you are not living for spirituality, you are living for physical pleasure, ego or status.
    2) some people are happy without a spiritual life, but they usually aren't the people writing blogs about how they are dropping their religious upbringing. People make radical changes in their lives because they are dissatisfied, and in the end, someone who is dissatisfied will not be satisfied with secularism over the long term.

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  31. Ym, sastisfied is an ambiguous word. Some people feel satisfaction from suffering and self sacrifice, some from close relationships. A single person may be satisfied with her secularism and not satisfied with her car, for example. Before she wasn't satisfied with her car and religion, and now she is not satisfied just with her car.
    People who live to be rewarded by God are still act good out of egotistic motive. They just believe that they are going to have more fun in the next world than they can here. So it's a matter of immediate pleasure over postponed pleasure. But both are equally egotistical. Egotism is a good thing even according to religion which says "love thy neighbor as yourself". If you don't love yourself you can't love your neigbor, because the motive of doing good to others is always that it feels good to do good to the other, whether it's human or god himself. The most selfless love of God and fear of him are all egotistical - that means they produce chemicals in your brain that stimulate pleasure centers. Dogs don't believe in god, but they can be a man's best friend. A human being can be at least as good as a dog, and hopefully more without god.

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  32. ym, you should get a copy of Richard Carrier's book "Sense and Goodness without God". He gives a complete world view with ethics, goodness and rationality, all without God.

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  33. AE, I am not worried about you at all. You just figured stuff out early, that's all. Marrying B... that's a decision that should have nothing to do with Judaism. The old Judaism of discrimination is going to have to evolve to something a little more pluralistic... or else be relegated to the ranks of other discriminatory practices that hold back the human race.

    I know where you're coming from because I went to the same preponderance of Jewish events as a kid, talked to the same rabbis, etc. And I was not one of the smoking kids. I was a freaking great egg. Poster boy. And I still am, but not for Orthodox Judaism. The Judaism that resonated with me was the Judaism of big thinking, of compassion, of change. OJ will never be that... it's trapped in time.

    I think you are an excellent egg. Remember that "you are beautiful, no matter what they say." Give your family time, lots of it. If they haven't talked to a rabbi yet, they should do it right away. Better yet, if you are in the same town, get a little joint therapy with your family and a professional once a month. Get stuff out of your systems. Heal.

    You are a passionate person. I think you will use what you have learned to make the world a better place.

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  34. you should really learn chassidus....
    it opens up a whole new world.
    totally worth it.

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