I don't know why it irritates me so much, but I just can't stand when my parents make comments that would only make sense if I was still religious. I don't care if they don't ever want to talk about religion; I'm fine with that. But why do they just proceed as if I AM religious? Why do they have to call before jewish holidays and ask every time what i'm doing for the holiday? This puts me in the situation of either a) lying/making something up or b) once again reminding my parents that I'm not religious and that I'm not doing anything for the holiday, which just puts further strain on our relationship.
So why do they ask? Are they just living in a deep state of denial? Is it just automatic to them to ask about religious holiday plans? Are they just hoping that eventually i'll be like "Yeah, my plans for rosh hoshana this year include attending orthodox services, keeping all the laws of the entire holiday and dumping my non-jewish boyfriend!" I don't know...
The point is, it is extremely irritating every time I have to remind my parents I'm not religious, because I've told them this about eleventybillion times before.
Why is this irritating me now? Because my cousin is coming to America (from Israel) around Thanksgiving time, and I just had to remind my dad that no, I cannot have her stay at my house for a few days, becuase I don't keep kosher so she would have nothing to eat. And then my dad got all silent and didn't acknowledge anything I just said, but was like "Ok I guess you are too busy to have her over".
Gah! At this point I'd rather get the silent treatment than the denial treatement.
I know just how you feel. My mother always asks me things like "Where are you going to hear megilla reading? " or "Have you started cleaning for pesach?" or "Have a nice fast."
ReplyDeleteIt drives me nuts because I don't want to lie and I don't want to be in her face about not being religious.
The denial just runs so deep. I suppose that even though they've been unambiguously told that I'm not religious, they still prefer to imagine that I'm still doing a lot of religious things.
But it so annoying and frustrating.
I totally understand but you should give them some slack too though. It probably is just hard to get their mind around your change. I don't know your specific parents but I know some people whose entire world so revolves round Orthodox Judiasm that they momentarily forget that there are people who are not. As an example I have seen an Orthodox person be SHOCKED that a non Jewish coworker would consider coming in on a Saturday to work (i.e. "Really? but its Saturday... How can you work then?")
ReplyDeleteAlthough its hard / frustrating / annoying and puts you in a bad positions its probably hard for them and they are not doing it on purpose.
i understand giving them some slack, which is why i don't yell at them about it. But it's been 8 years since I 'came out' to my parents and told them that I was not religious anymore, and every time they do this I remind them that I'm not religous.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to that about other things with the inlaws. For the longest time, there was this constant secondary message to every primary message that was said, and it was a bit creepy. That stopped though.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, cause my Dad taught me when I was knee high that at least he respected what I had to say. I was way too autonomous. So when the inlaws start to get all noodgy, I'm ready to step up and start regulating now, and M has to hold me back.
At the same time I'm pretty sure now that most of the time the noodging/prodding was like 80% unconscious and driven by their own anxieties.
All you can do is be clear, direct, and loving with your folks. It's up to them whether they take the cue or not. I get the anger tho. To-tal-ly!
And then my dad got all silent and didn't acknowledge anything I just said, but was like "Ok I guess you are too busy to have her over".
ReplyDeleteWow. That’s really rough. It sounds like a really rough terrible predicament. I hate that they try to keep people frum using these sorts of underhanded pressure and scare tactics instead of open dialogue. Why can’t they let you make your own decision, or at least have a conversation instead of pressure.
I guess I should think twice before I tell my parents about my religious problems. Sounds like it’s not the most pleasant situation.
And then my dad got all silent and didn't acknowledge anything I just said, but was like "Ok I guess you are too busy to have her over".
ReplyDeleteWow. That’s really rough. It sounds like a really rough terrible predicament. I hate that they try to keep people frum using these sorts of underhanded pressure and scare tactics instead of open dialogue. Why can’t they let you make your own decision, or at least have a conversation instead of pressure.
I guess I should think twice before I tell my parents about my religious problems. Sounds like it’s not the most pleasant situation.