thoughts of the future

I'm not really sure anymore what the difference is between what I want, and what I've been socialized to want.

Like weddings. I definitely don't want that big pagentry wedding and being on display all the time. But at one point I was pretty certain that WAS what I wanted. Do I want a big cake and a big white poofy dress (I never freakin wear white. ever), and a bunch of people I barely know or like there? Yesterday me and B were talking about what kind of wedding we would have if/when we get married...and we talked about something small, with maybe 10 people there. My parents certainly wouldn't come. Maybe 1 or both of my brothers would come. And then his parents and sister, and maybe a few close friends. But even that kind of gives me anxiety, when thinking about planning stuff and putting all that shit together. I think I would be happiest just getting married in front of a justice of the peace. But then I think it would be nice to be able to say vows and stuff in front of my friends, and the family that's willing to be there. I don't know.

And kids. Do i want kids? I'm not even sure. I definitely don't want kids anytime in the near future. maybe not ever. Maybe one day. Ok, i kinda want kids with B, now that i've found a guy willing to take on the bulk of childcare activities...I definietly don't want to turn into some stay at home mom or anything. But up until a certain point in my life I pretty much assumed I would have them at some point. I was supposed to want them. Every other girl wanted them. Then if I have kids, how much do I want them to know about judiasm? I definitely don't want them to go to jewish day school, but do i want them to attend hebrew school and learn about their jewish heritage? Well, but I hate all the religious parts about judaism. Why would I even send them to hebrew school? Is it because it was hammered into my head my whole life that jewish kids go to at least hebrew school?

Leaving Judiasm has definitely introduced a lot of uncertainty into my future. At one point- that in between point, when I was highly ambivilant about the idea of god and religion in general, I held on to a lot of ideas about my future that were based on the way I was raised. Even if i wasn't "religious" i would still be "Jewish" and my kids would OF COURSE go to hebrew school even though I hated every second of elementry school and high school, espeically whenever I was forced to sit through all those classes on jewish stuff. I was miserable there. Why would I want to subject my kids to that?

But when you grow up a certain way, with certain expectations, it's hard to think beyond that. OF COURSE i would have that big pagenty wedding. And when I was engaged previously, that was the kind of wedding I was planning. And I would have had the most awful time there. I hate jewish music, I hate wearing white dresses, I hate most of my family, and I hate being the center of attention. I think jewish brides are completely objectified- the engagement papers are signed by fathers like they are trading cattle, and the women don't even get to say anything during the ceremony! But yet I had signed on to that, and I didn't think there might be a different way of doing things. I was willing to push the boundries a bit..I argued with my dad about walking aorund 7 times and not speaking during the ceremony, but ultimately I would have done it their way.

But now...the possibilities are endless. I can get married in a red dress in my backyard if I want, and only invite my 3 best friends. I don't even have to invite them! (although I want to). We can have a big cake, or some small finger food, or a sit down meal, or wine and cheese, or shrimp coctails, or no food at all! I can send my kids to public school and teach them nothing of their jewish heritage. I can have chirstmas dinner with latkes, or a big christmas ham. I can carve pumpkins with these theoretical kids at halloween, like I never got to do as a child (but which I did last year with a friend of mine, and which was super fun!). I don't even have to have kids!

I'm free. It's kind of scary. Having a pre-made vision of the future is defnitely easier..I knew exactly what the future would look liike. Now I have no idea. And even though it's kind of scary, it's also kind of nice.