So this weekend, me and B will be going to fabulous NYC and staying at the fabulous Chelsea Hotel, so that I can give a conference presentation at a could-never-be-called-fabulous conference. My department pays all my expenses, so B gets to hang out in my lovely paid-for hotel room, and all he has to pay for is his bus ticket (and I get mine for free!).
So here is the dilemna. I told my dad (who lives close to NYC) that I am going to this conference, and made tentative plans to meet up with him for lunch on friday after my presentation. I have not told him that B is coming. My options are:
a) Never mention B being there, pretend I am there all alone, meet up with him for lunch since I'm spending all of friday at the conference anyways, while B hangs back at the hotel and works on some writing projects, have a lovely lunch with my dad and continue to convince him that I am not crazy and/or evil now that I am not religious.
b) call my dad up sometime before going there (like today), tell him B will be with me at the hotel, and tell him that if he wants to meet up with me, he'll have to meet up with B. This can end in 1 of two ways- 1 he refuses to go, 2 he takes it as the opportunity to meet B who i have now been dating for over a year, without my mother there (Who is more firm on her anti-Bness than my dad). Also in the process I would have to mention that B is staying at my hotel, which would pretty much be admitting to my dad that I have sex (which he probably knows, but which is one of those things we just would never talk about).
This option also has the added advantage of me sticking to my principles, not lying, and not letting my parents hang with me unless they accept B as well, which i think it ultimately going to happen if/when we get married, and why not start getting them used to the idea that they don't get me without B? (i love all the rhyming!)
c) don't tell dad B is there, spring him on him at lunch.
I would never go with option C, just cause that's a douchebag move, and I can imagine my dad saying he will never meet up with me again after that. At this point I'm pretty set on option A. I wish I had the ovaries to go for option B, but it seems I am still full of cowardice. :(
ETA: oh i just came up with option #4- tell my dad B will be there, and he has the option of meeting him, but that I will not invite B to lunch unless my dad is cool with it. But that's still admitting to my dad that I'm sharing a hotel with B.
My opinion, for what it's worth (especially since you don't even know me):
ReplyDeleteOption a doesn't help move anything along. It's the way to go if you've decided to keep things at the status quo.
I don't know how stubborn your father is, will he get even more upset if you try to force him into something he doesn't want? I see Option b as potentially harmful to your purposes.
Option c is deceitful, I agree with your decision on this one.
I say Option 4 (couldn't you have made it 'd'?). It's the best of all the possibilities. It has the hope that your father will finally meet B. It allows your father a choice, which he would appreciate. It doesn't bring B into a hostile situation. And you can't worry that your father will finally KNOW that you're sleeping with B. Fathers have the amazing ability to deny such things to themselves, no matter what the evidence. He'll probably convince himself you have separate rooms or at least separate beds.
Option 4. Just my $.02.
ReplyDeleteJust curious...I know I'm a little bit clueless here, but what are the principles that you are sticking up for? I mean, it's one thing to hope that your Orthodox parents eventually come to begrudgingly accept your non-Jewish husband (and violate their own principles out of love for you) but it's quite another to call it a matter of principle. No matter how great he is, they will never embrace him or be happy about your marriage. So what is the principle? I am asking this honestly...not trying to be sarcastic or anything.
-WG
i went with option 4 (oops, that should have been a D) and emailed my dad.
ReplyDeleteBy principles I meant not lying or misrepresenting myself...and not keeping secret about what is going on in my life, despite people's approval. (my family is very secretive, and probably as a reaction I am very anti- keeping secrets).
I was going to recommend D. It allows you to be honest without making your dad feel like he's being given an ultimatum. To me option D says "I want you to be a part of my life and I'm opening it to you. However, if you reject it that's your loss."
ReplyDeleteOk, the suspense is killing me. What was your dad's response?
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I emailed him, have not gotten a response yet. I'll let you guys know when I do
ReplyDeleteI was going to reccomend option 4, but I see you already did that. You're never going to have an easy & comfortable relationship with your folks, & they will never completely accept B, but at least you can have a civil and status-quo type relationship with them, as long as you don't use deception or ultimatums.
ReplyDeleteOption C was not deceitful. Withholding information is not the same thing as lying.
ReplyDelete> Option C was not deceitful. Withholding information is not the same thing as lying.
ReplyDeleteTrue. Neither is A. But there is something sort of wrong with C, as AE recognized when she said she's never do it.
I like option 4, and I agree with your stance on secrets. Secrets are the enemy of good relationships.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping that your parents, however improbably, come around.