My family is full of secrets.
Hilariously (at least to me. because what can you do but laugh about it?) it's all the same secret. Or similar secrets. But we don't tell each other, and then we keep up these crazy facades, and no one knows that everyone is secretly doing the same thing.
I'm not such a big fan of secrets. I feel like relationships are not meaningful if you have to keep part of yourself a secret in order to maintain that relationship. There are things about me that I wouldn't want everyone in the world to know, particularly people I'm associated with in a professional sense. That's why, even though I hang around with many people at my school during work and non-work hours, I don't consider them real friends unless they know those things about me that I wouldn't want everyone to know.
Yes, I am being deliberately vague here.
About a month after I started dating B, I went to a big jewish grad/professional student dinner thing at my school. I met up with some random other grad students, and we got to talking about dating not-jewish people. And some random dude went on a whole long rant about how under no circumstances should I tell my parents that I am dating B, ever. That there is no reason for them to know.
I have to say, I disagreed with that assessment, and a few weeks after that I broke the news to them. Since then, while I've hesitated about telling them some things (such as that me and B live together), I eventually told them everything.
My brother on the other hand, is not so forthcoming. This is pretty understandable- he still lives in my parents house (although he makes enough money that he could probably move out if he lowered his standards of living a little bit). He has been dating someone who is not jewish for about 8 months now. My parents have no idea she even exists. Meanwhile, he hangs out with her parents, and brought her over to meet me when I had a birthday/cohabitation party in May. But as far as I know, he has no intention of ever telling my parents about her. How that's going to work out if they decide to get more serious, I have no idea...maybe he never intends on getting more serious? I don't know how you can date someone for months or years and never get any more serious than dating though...
Last Tuesday, one of my cousin's was in town for a conference, and we met up for coffee. My favorite cousin in fact. Let's call him "D." D is a bit older than me (he's 35), is married and has 3 kids, and lives about 10 minutes away from my parents. His parents live in Israel, his wife's parents live a 20 hour car ride away, and my dad is his only close relative nearbye, so him and his family and my parents spend a lot of time together. Turns out that even though my dad isn't saying anything about my engagement to my brothers, he did tell D.
D was remarkably non-judgmental when he was talking to me about it (one of the reasons he is my favorite cousin), and seemed more intent on making sure I knew some of the challenges of getting married in general, and that I'm sure B is going to be a good partner. It was kind of big-brothery, but in a good way.
Back to the topics of secrets- it turns out that not one, but two of my first cousins (his brother and sister) are in 'similar situations to mine.' One, lets call her "N", who lives in Israel, is dating a non-religious man, and they are living together. Her parents have no idea, or if they do, are not telling anyone that they do. The other, "Y" now lives in NYC, and is dating someone who is not jewish. They live together, and may or may not be married. D was kind of sketchy on the topic, and didn't seem to want to spread too much information about it.
Now N was here for thanksgiving, the first time I had seen her since I was 14. In fact I wrote a blog post about not wanting her to visit since I don't keep kosher. But it turns out, as I found out last Tuesday, N doesn't keep kosher either! I did end up seeing N at my parents house, and we were both in our "orthodox disguises" wearing long skirts and shirts that covered our elbows and stuff. And she's not religious! And yet neither of us said anything to indicate that we were not 100% religious, and neither of us talked on a personal level, or had any conversations about the men we were both about to move in with. In fact, Y was there also. Me, my brother, and my two cousins, all had dinner together, and me and my brother (who know we are both not religious) had no idea that N and her brother Y (who presumably also know about each other) were in the exact same situation as us.
Because my family is full of secrets.
My dad's parents have 8 grandchildren. Now that I have this new information, I know that at least four of them are not religious, including 3 dating non-jewish people. 50%. And yet the other 50% (plus our parents, so really it's 4/12, or 33.34%) completely controls our actions. We disguise ourselves, my brother and Y with kippas and me and N with skirts and high-cut 'modest' shirts, and do it so well that we don't even know the other people are exactly the same as us, until some third party, still religious, but totally in the know about everything, lets out the big secret.
On my facebook profile under "religious views" it used to say "against." (now it says "atheist"). Back when it said "against" one of my mom's first cousins who is my facebook friend sent me a private message saying "Hey- I like your religious views. I totally agree, but don't tell anyone."
So on a scale of 1 to completely fucked up, how fucked up is this entire situation? I mean, it could just be my family- even though it's happened on both sides of the family- maybe that's just a coincidence. Or maybe it's endemic in the larger modern orthodox community, where half of the younger generation seems to be assimilating, while half are becoming more and more religious. That seems to be the case among people I grew up with- most of the people I was friends with as a teenager are no longer religious, and many of them are dating not-jewish people. And not telling their parents about it. The people my age who I wasn't friends with all seem to be having thousands of babies and their facebook profiles all say "Jewish- orthodox". And yet us non-religious folks bow to the will of the religious ones, by keeping our situations private or secret.
Have they socialized us so well that even though we completely disagree with them, we have internalized the shame they feel about us?
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Email I actually sent my dad:
Well if you change your mind, we would be happy to have you there. We have settled on a date; May 17th 2009, which is the Sunday after lag ba'omer. The wedding will be held in _____ _______ State Park, Picnic area #17, at around 2pm (we haven't decided on an exact time yet). I've attached some pictures of the picnic pavillion, and this arch thing that we will probably decorate with flowers and have the ceremony by. Our friend J will be officiating, and food will be pot-luck style, so you can bring kosher food if you want.
~Abandoning Eden
~Abandoning Eden
The biological basis of religion?
Via the Huff Post:
According to Psychology Today and referencing the American Journal of Psychiatry, serotonin, the brain chemical in charge of moderating mood, metabolism, and sexuality, has been linked to spiritual experiences. Psychology Today reports:
"A team of Swedish researchers has found that the presence of a receptor that regulates general serotonin activity in the brain correlates with people's capacity for transcendence, the ability to apprehend phenomena that cannot be explained objectively. Scientists have long suspected that serotonin influences spirituality because drugs known to alter serotonin such as LSD also induce mystical experiences. But now they have proof from brain scans linking the capacity for spirituality with a major biological element."
So what does this mean? Well, the researchers believe that it provides evidence that religiosity and spirituality are not defined necessarily or entirely by environmental or cultural factors, such as upbringing. Basically, those with a higher concentration of serotonin receptors will therefore most likely show a stronger inclination towards spiritual acceptance.
Read the entire psychology today article Here
According to Psychology Today and referencing the American Journal of Psychiatry, serotonin, the brain chemical in charge of moderating mood, metabolism, and sexuality, has been linked to spiritual experiences. Psychology Today reports:
"A team of Swedish researchers has found that the presence of a receptor that regulates general serotonin activity in the brain correlates with people's capacity for transcendence, the ability to apprehend phenomena that cannot be explained objectively. Scientists have long suspected that serotonin influences spirituality because drugs known to alter serotonin such as LSD also induce mystical experiences. But now they have proof from brain scans linking the capacity for spirituality with a major biological element."
So what does this mean? Well, the researchers believe that it provides evidence that religiosity and spirituality are not defined necessarily or entirely by environmental or cultural factors, such as upbringing. Basically, those with a higher concentration of serotonin receptors will therefore most likely show a stronger inclination towards spiritual acceptance.
Read the entire psychology today article Here
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Still haven't written back...
It's been a week and two days since my dad sent me that letter, and I still haven't written back.
I thought that over time I would be less angry. And maybe that's still true. But it seems that before that happens, I'm going to be getting more angry. And I have been.
Today I am meeting up with my cousin, who is in town for a business conference. This morning I was thinking about his sister.
See, his sister is the same age as me. We're about 6 weeks apart. When she was 20 or 21, she decided to marry this guy who was 38. (no that's not a typo, it's 38 not 28). Now normally I don't have a problem with people marrying someone vastly different in age. Well, that's not true, sometimes I totally have a problem when the dude is much older, and clearly exploiting some young naive relative of mine.
So this cousin...she married this 38 year old dude when she was 20 or 21, and my parents went to Israel for the wedding. This dude had like a long beard that was half white already, was extremely creepy looking, and had only been dating my cousin for 2 months before they got married. They ended up getting divorced like 2 months after that, after the guy ended up spending all their money and then selling their wedding gifts for more money. No one will say what he was spending all that money on (my guess is coke)
I have another cousin who married a much older guy. When she was 18, newly graduated from high school, she spent a summer between high school and college in a different country doing kiruv (kiruv is like outreach to non religious jews to try to make them more religious). Anyways, the dude who interviewed her was this 32 year old rabbi. Over the summer he somehow manages to get with my 18 year old cousin, who he hired and is supervising over there, and when they come back they get married. I think they are now up to baby #5.
These situations are both extremely sketchy to me. And yet my dad went to their weddings. Cause the important thing there is that THE GUY WAS JEWISH!! No matter that one was some old dude with a white beard marrying a 20 year old girl who knew him for all of 2 months. And that the other one was a guy in a direct supervisory position to an 18 year old girl who got with her in a different country. Oh did I mention I was in high school when the second dude married my cousin, that the guy was a rabbi at my school, and yet he insisted I call him "rabbi ____" even after we were related to each other? Ew. Cause even though my cousin was only 2 years older than me, I couldn't call her husband by his first name (wouldn't be 'respecting my elders' I guess).
So apparently my dad condones and approves of those two marriages, but doesn't condone mine, in which my fiance is actually the same age as me, and we are starting off on somewhat equal footing. But B had the wrong parents, so our marriage must be the most terrible thing in the world!
My dad doesn't care about my welfare. If he cared about my welfare, he would actually meet B and see if he was some serial killer or something. I know if my kid was marrying someone, I would want to at least meet the guy to make sure he didn't set off any alarm bells for being super creepy. Like my cousins' husband and ex-husband did. But nah, none of that matters. What matters is showing to the world that he is a good jew, tows the line, and will pick judaism over all else, including his own daughter. As he said, he doesn't want to give the "impression that he condones our arrangement". All he gives a shit about is how he looks to other people, and what they might think if they see him going to his daughters wedding.
So yeah, I'm still not writing back to him. I have nothing to say that would change the situation in any way, and I am tired of beating my head against a wall. Maybe I'll just email him a link to this blog.
ETA: While I was brooding about my dad on the long walk to work this morning I had a thought:
Some previous commenter noted that my parents don't want a relationship with ME, but rather an image of me, and one in which they don't have to acknowledge my partner's existence. Which I agree with.
But maybe I do the same thing. Do I really want a relationship with my parents? Or do I want one with an image of my parents? An image of my parents in which they are loving and supportive of me. You know, maybe I've been excusing my parents too much. Maybe religion isn't the problem here. Maybe it's just their excuse for being bad parents.
I thought that over time I would be less angry. And maybe that's still true. But it seems that before that happens, I'm going to be getting more angry. And I have been.
Today I am meeting up with my cousin, who is in town for a business conference. This morning I was thinking about his sister.
See, his sister is the same age as me. We're about 6 weeks apart. When she was 20 or 21, she decided to marry this guy who was 38. (no that's not a typo, it's 38 not 28). Now normally I don't have a problem with people marrying someone vastly different in age. Well, that's not true, sometimes I totally have a problem when the dude is much older, and clearly exploiting some young naive relative of mine.
So this cousin...she married this 38 year old dude when she was 20 or 21, and my parents went to Israel for the wedding. This dude had like a long beard that was half white already, was extremely creepy looking, and had only been dating my cousin for 2 months before they got married. They ended up getting divorced like 2 months after that, after the guy ended up spending all their money and then selling their wedding gifts for more money. No one will say what he was spending all that money on (my guess is coke)
I have another cousin who married a much older guy. When she was 18, newly graduated from high school, she spent a summer between high school and college in a different country doing kiruv (kiruv is like outreach to non religious jews to try to make them more religious). Anyways, the dude who interviewed her was this 32 year old rabbi. Over the summer he somehow manages to get with my 18 year old cousin, who he hired and is supervising over there, and when they come back they get married. I think they are now up to baby #5.
These situations are both extremely sketchy to me. And yet my dad went to their weddings. Cause the important thing there is that THE GUY WAS JEWISH!! No matter that one was some old dude with a white beard marrying a 20 year old girl who knew him for all of 2 months. And that the other one was a guy in a direct supervisory position to an 18 year old girl who got with her in a different country. Oh did I mention I was in high school when the second dude married my cousin, that the guy was a rabbi at my school, and yet he insisted I call him "rabbi ____" even after we were related to each other? Ew. Cause even though my cousin was only 2 years older than me, I couldn't call her husband by his first name (wouldn't be 'respecting my elders' I guess).
So apparently my dad condones and approves of those two marriages, but doesn't condone mine, in which my fiance is actually the same age as me, and we are starting off on somewhat equal footing. But B had the wrong parents, so our marriage must be the most terrible thing in the world!
My dad doesn't care about my welfare. If he cared about my welfare, he would actually meet B and see if he was some serial killer or something. I know if my kid was marrying someone, I would want to at least meet the guy to make sure he didn't set off any alarm bells for being super creepy. Like my cousins' husband and ex-husband did. But nah, none of that matters. What matters is showing to the world that he is a good jew, tows the line, and will pick judaism over all else, including his own daughter. As he said, he doesn't want to give the "impression that he condones our arrangement". All he gives a shit about is how he looks to other people, and what they might think if they see him going to his daughters wedding.
So yeah, I'm still not writing back to him. I have nothing to say that would change the situation in any way, and I am tired of beating my head against a wall. Maybe I'll just email him a link to this blog.
ETA: While I was brooding about my dad on the long walk to work this morning I had a thought:
Some previous commenter noted that my parents don't want a relationship with ME, but rather an image of me, and one in which they don't have to acknowledge my partner's existence. Which I agree with.
But maybe I do the same thing. Do I really want a relationship with my parents? Or do I want one with an image of my parents? An image of my parents in which they are loving and supportive of me. You know, maybe I've been excusing my parents too much. Maybe religion isn't the problem here. Maybe it's just their excuse for being bad parents.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Denialville
According to my brother (who still lives at home- the non religious one), my parents haven't said a word about my engagement to him. If I hadn't told him, he said, he would have no idea I was engaged. I'm guessing they haven't told anyone else in the family either.
Which leaves it up to me or word of mouth I guess. My first cousin is going to be in my city this week for a business trip, and called to ask if I wanted to meet up. I doubt he has any idea that I'm dating anyone, let alone dating anyone not Jewish, let alone engaged to that person (or living with him for that matter). This is actually one of my few cousins who, while orthodox, I actually really respect and think is a pretty decent person. So I'm kinda dreading telling him about B.
It's not that I'm ashamed or not proud of being with B. It's just that I know how family members will react, and I know it will be painful. I'm willing to endure all that I guess, but do I have to tell each member of my family one by one in person so that they each can give me a long lecture/tell me how disappointed they are/act like I'm personally killing the jewish people? I know it's not true, and that they are brainwashed to act that way, and that they're exerting social pressure to maintain their way of life, which they themselves have been socialized to do, but come on...it's bad enough when random internet strangers are telling me how evil I am, and I don't even respect or care about their opinion! Even though I feel like they are wrong for reacting the way they do, that stuff gets under your skin.
Which leaves it up to me or word of mouth I guess. My first cousin is going to be in my city this week for a business trip, and called to ask if I wanted to meet up. I doubt he has any idea that I'm dating anyone, let alone dating anyone not Jewish, let alone engaged to that person (or living with him for that matter). This is actually one of my few cousins who, while orthodox, I actually really respect and think is a pretty decent person. So I'm kinda dreading telling him about B.
It's not that I'm ashamed or not proud of being with B. It's just that I know how family members will react, and I know it will be painful. I'm willing to endure all that I guess, but do I have to tell each member of my family one by one in person so that they each can give me a long lecture/tell me how disappointed they are/act like I'm personally killing the jewish people? I know it's not true, and that they are brainwashed to act that way, and that they're exerting social pressure to maintain their way of life, which they themselves have been socialized to do, but come on...it's bad enough when random internet strangers are telling me how evil I am, and I don't even respect or care about their opinion! Even though I feel like they are wrong for reacting the way they do, that stuff gets under your skin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)