Monday, October 15, 2007

thoughts of the future

I'm not really sure anymore what the difference is between what I want, and what I've been socialized to want.

Like weddings. I definitely don't want that big pagentry wedding and being on display all the time. But at one point I was pretty certain that WAS what I wanted. Do I want a big cake and a big white poofy dress (I never freakin wear white. ever), and a bunch of people I barely know or like there? Yesterday me and B were talking about what kind of wedding we would have if/when we get married...and we talked about something small, with maybe 10 people there. My parents certainly wouldn't come. Maybe 1 or both of my brothers would come. And then his parents and sister, and maybe a few close friends. But even that kind of gives me anxiety, when thinking about planning stuff and putting all that shit together. I think I would be happiest just getting married in front of a justice of the peace. But then I think it would be nice to be able to say vows and stuff in front of my friends, and the family that's willing to be there. I don't know.

And kids. Do i want kids? I'm not even sure. I definitely don't want kids anytime in the near future. maybe not ever. Maybe one day. Ok, i kinda want kids with B, now that i've found a guy willing to take on the bulk of childcare activities...I definietly don't want to turn into some stay at home mom or anything. But up until a certain point in my life I pretty much assumed I would have them at some point. I was supposed to want them. Every other girl wanted them. Then if I have kids, how much do I want them to know about judiasm? I definitely don't want them to go to jewish day school, but do i want them to attend hebrew school and learn about their jewish heritage? Well, but I hate all the religious parts about judaism. Why would I even send them to hebrew school? Is it because it was hammered into my head my whole life that jewish kids go to at least hebrew school?

Leaving Judiasm has definitely introduced a lot of uncertainty into my future. At one point- that in between point, when I was highly ambivilant about the idea of god and religion in general, I held on to a lot of ideas about my future that were based on the way I was raised. Even if i wasn't "religious" i would still be "Jewish" and my kids would OF COURSE go to hebrew school even though I hated every second of elementry school and high school, espeically whenever I was forced to sit through all those classes on jewish stuff. I was miserable there. Why would I want to subject my kids to that?

But when you grow up a certain way, with certain expectations, it's hard to think beyond that. OF COURSE i would have that big pagenty wedding. And when I was engaged previously, that was the kind of wedding I was planning. And I would have had the most awful time there. I hate jewish music, I hate wearing white dresses, I hate most of my family, and I hate being the center of attention. I think jewish brides are completely objectified- the engagement papers are signed by fathers like they are trading cattle, and the women don't even get to say anything during the ceremony! But yet I had signed on to that, and I didn't think there might be a different way of doing things. I was willing to push the boundries a bit..I argued with my dad about walking aorund 7 times and not speaking during the ceremony, but ultimately I would have done it their way.

But now...the possibilities are endless. I can get married in a red dress in my backyard if I want, and only invite my 3 best friends. I don't even have to invite them! (although I want to). We can have a big cake, or some small finger food, or a sit down meal, or wine and cheese, or shrimp coctails, or no food at all! I can send my kids to public school and teach them nothing of their jewish heritage. I can have chirstmas dinner with latkes, or a big christmas ham. I can carve pumpkins with these theoretical kids at halloween, like I never got to do as a child (but which I did last year with a friend of mine, and which was super fun!). I don't even have to have kids!

I'm free. It's kind of scary. Having a pre-made vision of the future is defnitely easier..I knew exactly what the future would look liike. Now I have no idea. And even though it's kind of scary, it's also kind of nice.

16 comments:

  1. Having a kid has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. But it has also made my life more complicated in every possible way. Don't rush it, but don't miss out either.

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  2. >the engagement papers are signed by fathers like they are trading cattle.

    Are you talking about the ketuba?

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  3. hh- i meant the tena'im (sp?) that's signed in the chasson's tish without the bride even there, but yeah, women don't sign the ketubah either as far as I know

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  4. the groom doesn't sign the ketubah (or the tenaim, i believe) either

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  5. I'm free. It's kind of scary. Having a pre-made vision of the future is defnitely easier..I knew exactly what the future would look liike. Now I have no idea. And even though it's kind of scary, it's also kind of nice.

    Yes! That's the hardest part for me, too. What the hell do I want to do with my life?? It was easier having it all set out for me.

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  6. I have always said that I don't want the big fancy wedding and my friends have always insisted that I will when I get to that point. They're so wrong, even though I haven't gotten there yet. The more weddings I go to, the less I want it and the smaller I want mine to be. You just have to figure things out for yourself one step at a time.

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  7. skeptadox- so parents sign away both their children? I'm not saying that's any better :) That just means they're both like cattle instead of just the bride.

    (are you sure the groom doesn't sign the ketuvah? I thought the groom signed it and gave it to the bride. who does sign it then?)

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  8. jewish atheist- well I definitely at least have a plan career-wise, so I know what that's going to look like (academia has a pretty certain career trajectory. although there's a huge amount of uncertainty in where i'll get a job). If i didn't have that, i'd probably be completely lost.

    Now I just have to figure out the family part...the only amount of certainty i have there is that when I marry my boyfriend, my entire family will be cutting me off.

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  9. GGG-
    that sounds like my dad, who when I was like "I don't want kids until I'm 30 at least, if ever" replied "well you'll want one when you get to be 25 or so, all women naturally want kids." The fancy wedding thing is even more ridiculous. Like women are pre-programmed to like huge fancy weddings? You know, those didn't even exist until the 1940s...

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  10. Eden

    I never had a tish. Not every OJ has a tish and does the tena'im (whatever that is). I have a feeling its just a minhag.

    Regarding the ketuba. Neither the parents or groom sign it. The rav just fills in the grooms name and the dates and location of marriage, then two witnesses sign on it. Its no diferent really than a civil marriage licence where two witnesses have to sign that as well

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  11. hh- the tenaim are the engagement papers, which i believe are signed by the two fathers and a formal agreement that you will marry. Once you sign them, in order to back out you will have to get a Get. That's why traditionally OJ's sign them right before the wedding (at the tish), since by then marriage is imminent. In days past, it was signed up to a year before the wedding. It's traditionally celebrated by breaking a plate. Are you sure you didn't have one signed at a different time? (if you didn't have a tish?)

    either way, it's a minhag, but it's one that's 100s of years old, and one that is definitely followed in my family. Here's some info online that I found: http://www.myjewishlearning.com/lifecycle/Marriage/LiturgyRitualCustom/Tenaim.htm

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  12. I am sure I did not have a tish or anything like it. Neiter did anyone sign any papers. My brother in law didn't even do it and he is pretty charedi in his hashkafah.

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  13. You say you don't want this, you don't want that. Just don't settle down for living in a trailer. That's not cool. Why are you even thinking of marriage? If you saw the Heartbreak Kid, which I'm sure you hadn't because you're doing your phd, you'd know to first live together for like a year or something.

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  14. >you'd know to first live together for like a year or something.

    I always believed that to be a horrible idea.

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  15. chuyal- who said anything about living in a trailer? And we've already lived together for almost the whole time we've been together, except that i still have my own apartment that I spend very little time in.

    and we're not rushing anything, if we get married it's not going to be tommorow or even in the next 6 months :) Actually he's more into the marriage thing...i don't really see how getting a peice of paper is going to make our relationship any different, but he's all into it for some reason :)

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  16. I can have chirstmas dinner with latkes, or a big christmas ham. I can carve pumpkins with these theoretical kids at halloween, like I never got to do as a child

    what do christmas and halloween represent for you?

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