I've been having some overwhelming feelings of impending doom over the past week or so, accompanied by anxiety dreams and early-rising insomnia (today, for instance, I woke up at 5:30am).
Partly the news of course, no one likes hearing about impending pandemic flues. Not that I'm worried that I'm going to die (unrealistic), but I don't want to get really sick right before my wedding. I know logically that my chances of infection are quite small (at this point), but the constant news bombardment about how this is THE END OF THE WORLD (tm) just brings up anxious feelings.
Also I'm flying to Detroit today for the Population Association of America conference (no I'm not presenting, so don't bother trying to google stalk me, crazy people...you know who you are).
Awesome thing: The conference is being held in the Renaissance Center which is the headquarters of GM. Quite an interesting place to visit given current events!
Not so awesome: The Detroit airport is a major hub for flights to Mexico.
Also, the motel I'm staying at has a bunch of reviews that mention prostitution. I mean, prostitutes are people too...but still, probably not the safest situation to put myself in. Thankfully one of my friends is staying at the same motel, and we have a deal to walk back from the conference hotel together at night so that I'm not walking back alone. Still worried about it though.
I also just get anxious in general when I travel to places I've never been before, but this is more than the usual amount of travel anxiety.
Other things making me anxious:
*B's dad was admitted to the hospital overnight last night for observation, and is now on blood thinners to break up a blood clot in his lung...very worried about him.
*Youngest brother has been making more contact lately...the one who said B would die within a year if we didn't break up or B converted. He's been sending me facebook and text messages, more so than usual. He just worries me in general, but increasing his level of contact right before the wedding? Not helping.
*Been having some problems with a person on my dissertation committee...nothing horrible, more like a personality clash, but I may have to replace him with someone else.
*The academic job market does NOT seem to be recovering for next year (when I will be needing a job), and now my adviser is seriously discussing the possibility of funding a postdoc for me with soft money. This would mean a lot of grant-writing over the next year, with no guarantee of getting any of these grants. Also, not sure I want to stay here for an extra year or two. Also, not sure I want to work with this adviser for an extra year or two. Why did the economy collapse just in time for me to graduate after 10 years of higher education?
*Our wedding is in 2 and a half weeks! So much still to do! (although my BFF has decided to come stay at our place for the week before the wedding, so yay for an extra person/car to help out!)
A lot (but not all) of this is wedding related. People keep asking me if I'm nervous about the wedding, and I am, but not the way they mean. I'm terrified that something horrible will happen between now and the wedding that will prevent us from getting married. We've been through so much together to get to this point, we've been engaged almost a year and have worked so much on planning this wedding- not to mention all the things I went through before I even met B- all the relationships that failed, all the endeavors that didn't work out my way. It seems almost impossible to me that I am lucky enough to have found such an awesome partner, and I get to marry him too!
Ah. The sky is falling. You have anxiety. It will pass. Breathe. I'm thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteJust breathe honey and remember---excessive worry causes illness. So, try to let it go and ride the wave. Thus is life, eh?
ReplyDeleteSome anxiety now is normal. Even people without an upcoming wedding are feeling quite anxious thanks to the current economic crisis and all of the other challenging worldwide events.
ReplyDeleteAs for your brother, perhaps tell him that if he can't share in your happiness and wish you and B well that you are not going to read his texts, etc. until after the wedding so he should not expect a response (does your phone have a blocking function)?
Finally, you are very lucky to have an advisor who wants to help you find some funding to stay on for another year or two.
Can't you block your brother on Facebook? Or delete him as a friend or something? He really isn't acting very friendly.
ReplyDeleteMy diagnosis is 'pre-wedding jitters,' - everyone gets them.
Be careful in Dee-troit.
Good luck.
ReplyDeleteIt's all going to work out. I promise. I felt the same way before my wedding and it all worked out wonderfully.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, AE.
Your anxiety might just be a sign of your inner self crying out to you on this momentous occasion you are about to embark upon, and sever your past.
ReplyDeleteJust your true Jewish spark is trying to cry to you, and tell you, "AE, you are still so young!! Dont do something you might regret in the future"
"You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!"
critic - if that were the case, wouldn't I be having anxiety about getting married, and not about the possibility that something would prevent me from getting married?
ReplyDelete(I'm in Detroit and haven't died yet!)
I live in the Detroit area; it is a good idea to not walk around by yourself downtown after dark.
ReplyDeleteI hope the anxiety passes.
Critic:
ReplyDeleteChill out. AE is not leaving the fold (according to your possessive theology, her potential children will be as Jewish as you are, so I don't see what the fuss is about.)
AE: Look yourself in the mirror once in the morning and once at night before you go to bed and say, "I have a right to be happy - F.U. anxiety!!!."
You're going to be fine and will look back at this time and laugh!
Well, if one has been on a journey its entire adult years (as documented by this blog) to break away from the past, and you are subconciously trying to embody that cecession by marrying out of the fold, the fear of your true feelings to stop you at the last moment can be too great to fight. That might be what your fear is all about.
ReplyDeleteBecause you, and only you, know the the true doubts you have about this threshold you are about to pass. But your "akshunis" (stubborness, not in a bad way) to show the world that you came from, including your parents, that YOU were right all the way, is trying to overcome, overpower and surpress that feeling of doubt, that feeling of "yeah, I dont really believe, but do I have to go this far? isnt shacking up enough?" or that feeling of am I really gaining anything by going thru the motions, except hurt everyone of my past?
Dont get me wrong, I do not advocate living a double life, at all. It is just every Jew has an inner spark, that try as you may, can never be extinguished.
well critic I'm going to have to respectively disagree. I've never been more sure about something in my life then that I should marry B, and I have no doubts that I am making the right decision.
ReplyDeleteI'm getting married the day before you, and I could have written the last paragraph of your post myself.
ReplyDeleteEverything is just coming together to overwhelm you at the moment, and you will be FINE! You will get through it!
BTW, my mam had a blood clot in her lung and was given blood thinners to break it up. You have to stay on them for a while, but the success rate of this treatment is extremely high. They've caught the clot in B's dad - if they hadn't, that's when you'd have had to worry. Well, not that that would have been possible because you wouldn't have known about it, but you know what I mean.
You'll probably be stressing for the next two weeks, but really, this is a teensy tiny little chunk of your life, and your happiness on the wedding day and thereafter will be more than worth it.
Fear not. I am out of the hospital, on lovenox and oxygen. Can't believe I am giving myself the shots - but I am. Just another bump in the road. Most importantly, I have made the necessary arrangements for O2 in Philly for the wedding so that I can breath. Take care, relax and be ready for fun at your wedding. - JimA
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