Did you ever break up with someone, and then the next morning, wake up at like 5am thinking everything is ok at first, but then it hits you that you broke up with that person? And once that hits you, you are done with sleep for the day and just lie there being depressed for a few hours not able to fall back asleep?
Yeah this morning was like
that, only instead of breaking up with someone, I might be infertile,
and even if I'm not, will very likely have a hard time getting and
Last night I talked to a friend with PCOS and 3
kids who told me all sorts of fun things that clomid could do. Like
the way the first time she took it, when she ovulated it was so painful
she ended up going to the ER. Lovely.
Also made the mistake of
looking up information about PCOS, which I shouldn't, cause there just
isn't anything I can do about it. But did you know people with PCOS have
a 45% chance of miscarriage? Even better!
If in the end it comes
down to things like surgery and having to inject myself with daily
things and multiple miscarriages, I don't know if I could do that. If it
comes down to that I might just not have kids, or adopt.
in reading I discovered that one of the symptoms is unusual
discolorations around the groin/armpit area, which I totally have, so
that's another weird thing explained (I have a few weird discolored
spots on my thigh, and I was
like "Wtf are these? am I getting skin cancer or liver spots or
It would also explain why I have always had so
much trouble losing weight and am always overweight even though I eat
very healthily for the most part (like chicken and brown or wild rice
for dinner/ egg whites and turkey sausage on whole wheat for breakfast
is my standard fare- I don't live on chips and ice cream). I don't eat
too much, and I'm fairly active (I don't jog every day or anything, but I
walk my dogs once or twice a week, garden and pull weeds every day, gem
mining once a month, etc,) but I'm still 213 pounds and 5 foot 7 which
makes me "obese". Kinda makes me super pissed at my mom for all the
times she harped on me about my weight, and all the borderline eating
disorders and super low self esteem about my body that I had for years
as a result- cause now the fact that I could never lose weight actually
has an explanation, other than my mom's (and apparently my doctor's)
explanation of me stuffing my face, which I just don't do.
also pissed at my mom in general because we've partially reconciled but
not enough that I feel comfortable talking to her about having PCOS,
because then I would have to tell her we are trying to have kids, and I
don't want to have to deal with any potential drama or even just her not
being happy about me having kids. And I highly suspect she might not be
as happy as I would want her to be, since that would tie me to B
forever and will lead to more drama when things like "I'm not
circumcising any sons I have" comes up. Which is just a shitty
situation in general. I feel closer to my blog friends than to my mother,
and this is making me feel momless again like I did when I didn't talk
to her at all for 4 years.
This is probably just anger displacement though. I can't be angry at my body but I can still be angry at my mom!
from a gender perspective, this whole thing is a giant mindfuck for me
right now. I spent the past decade studying gender, and arguing with
people who say there are biological gender differences by gender, saying
they are minimal at best, and one of my arguments was "I don't [insert
stereotypical female behavior], and ain't I a woman?" I also went
through a period in college where I questioned whether I was
transgendered to some degree, because throughout my life I've been called
"Manly" told I "wear the pants in my relationships" etc. Even as a
teenager, I always got along better with men than with women (I was
frequently the only woman in a room full of dudes), and most of my best
friends are men. Only to find that I probably have a disorder that leads
to an unusually high amount of androgyns or "male hormones". That
doesn't mean that the majority of gender roles aren't social rather than
biological, but it's still..i don't know how to process that. I guess
me as a woman having an unusually high amount of androgyns shows there
is biological diversity in women too...I should go discuss this with my
old feminist theory prof/mentor who I recall was working on a paper
trying to prove hormones didn't matter, but couldn't, because they did.
But yeah. I'm glad I switched over to more family/sex research instead
of just research on gender (Which I started out doing), cause this whole
thing makes me question a lot of things I thought were true about gender.
I don't think "half an hour of intense exercise" every day is going to
happen, but half an hour of walking with my dog to the point it makes me
sweat is very doable. So yesterday me and B walked around 45
minutes to the park, and this morning I walked to the park again with
just Max and figured out that if I'm with Max (as opposed to Max +
Barkley, who is slow as hell and likes to stop and smell every bush that
we pass) I can do a park loop in half an hour that's really pretty
pleasant. So I did that this morning too. And then I took Barkley out on
a walk around the small loop in my neighborhood (we have a big one and a
small one), which was another 15 minute walk, just cause when I got
home with Max he looked so sad that he didn't get to go on a walk with
us. Plus walking is fun.