Outing myself to people I barely know.

Ahh facebook, the bane of my existence. I now have almost 400 friends on facebook, at least 100-200 of which are people who I grew up with as an orthodox jew. Many of whom are still frum, (as far as I can tell through frequent annoying facebook status updates about religious plans as well as their 'religious preferences' thing).

Anyway, when I got engaged I posted it to my facebook. And, as is traditional in the Jewish community (among others), millions of people I hadn't talked to in years came out of the woodwork to wish me a mazel tov.

But now I end up feeling guilty and weird and dishonest about my marriage. I know many of these people would not be wishing me well if they knew I was marrying someone not Jewish. So it feels like I'm tricking them into wishing me a Mazal tov somehow, by not being completely upfront about the fact that B is not Jewish.


But how do I go about telling people that he isn't Jewish? I don't think it's a huge deal, but I know other people will. So do I make a big facebook stauts post that is like "FYI MY FIANCE IS A GOY!!" I think my non-jewish friends may be a bit confused by that.

I'm definitely not ashamed of B, and I don't want to feel shamed. On the other hand, why do I have to make a big deal out of the fact that I'm marrying someone not jewish, and do I really have to go out of my way to let everyone know, or is it just none of their business? Also, am I overestimating the extent to which people care about my life?

I'm thinking in particular of one girl...raised Satmer but was "OTD" by their standards (although her OTD was MO), my BFF in high school, who I still occasionally keep in touch with (we talk once or twice a year). I know she would never talk to me again if she knew I was marrying someone not Jewish. But I barely speak to her as it is. Should I go out of my way to end my small friendship with her, by making a big deal out of marrying B, or do I just go about life as if everything is normal (which by my standards they are), and figure she will find it out through the grapevine eventually?

It's hard to figure this all out.

The life and times of AE

Things have been a little crazy lately. I've been traveling a lot (a conference in late October, an interview in early November, Thanksgiving, and in a week and a half it's off to the midwest for Christmas at B's parent's house). This means that for the past two months approximately every other or every third week, I've been going on a 3-5 day trip. This has thrown off my whole work routine; it takes me at least a week to 'recover' from these trips and get back into a frame of mind to get some serious work done, and by the time I'm back in that frame of mind, it's time to go somewhere else.

Added on top of that is that I've been waiting to hear back from this job, which is really stressing me out. They told me they would let me know last week or this week, and I've heard nothing, and there's been nothing on my professions' wiki (that keeps track of which jobs have been offered). But I assume that they have offered it to their first choice and are waiting for that person to make a decision.

I'm still stressing out about it. Not because I particularly want this job, but I just want to know if I'm going to be spending a 6th year in grad school or not..if I am, I can relax and not feel so guilty about doing basically no work on my dissertation for the past month or so. If I do get the job, I need to be seriously working my ass off right now. So instead I'm stuck in a limbo where I'm not working as seriously as I would need to be if I got the job, but I'm not able to relax as I would if I hadn't gotten the job.

On top of THAT is regular end of semester madness; I've spent the past 5 days or so grading papers, and tonight my class has it's final which I have to grade as well (and get final grades in).

And all this stress and travel have definitely made me more ornery in general, which has led to some 'work-life spillover' in that I have been picking fights nonstop with B (because he happens to be the only one around to pick fights with). This built up to a huge altercation on Sunday, which involved both of us crying, and then talking for hours about what was bothering each of us and how we can improve our relationship so that we are both happier. One of the reasons I love B is that whenever we fight we end up having these long talks...and actually do things about it. As a result our relationship has actually been improving over time (as opposed to other relationships I've been in, which have always seemed like a slow march towards destruction).

I've now not spoken to either of my parents in a little over a month, since I called to talk about my interview, and my mom went on her whole delusional rant about how if I want to talk to her I can never talk about B. So I've just given up on talking to both my parents at this point.

Me and B are thinking of going to sears or something this weekend and getting a professional photo taken of us, and then framing it and giving it to B's mom for a Christmas present. We'd also get one for our house, and I'm thinking of mailing one to my parents. In a normal family that would be a nice thing...but in this case I'm just pretending my family is normal. And would that actually be a passive aggressive move on my part?

How do you sell gold?

I keep reading about people selling their gold jewelery for insane prices...I have a whole bunch of yellow gold jewelry I've received as gifts over the years (much of it from my bat mitzvah, including some bracelets that don't even fit around my wrists anymore), but I don't like yellow gold and haven't worn any in at least 10 years (as someone with an olive complexion, yellow gold looks hideous on me). So that means I have a bunch of gold jewelry that has been sitting around in my jewelry box for years, untouched.

I'm thinking that since the price of gold is so high right now, I might as well sell all my yellow gold and maybe even some white gold jewelry I got from an ex (which I feel weird wearing, so I never wear that either), and use the money to buy our wedding rings. If I can sell this giant yellow gold herringbone necklace I've had for years and worn like once, I'll probably have enough for two nice platinum or white gold wedding rings + change. And I hear the price of platinum has been going down too. I have a food scale at home I'm going to use to weigh everything tonight, but I think what I have is at least a couple of ounces. And an ounce of gold pays something like $750 right now.

Anyone know how to go about doing this? Do I just walk into a random jewelry store and ask how much they will give me for it? Which would pay me more- a pawn/consignment shop, or a nice place in the jewelry district of my city?

Crock pot recipe o' the day: Steak and Shake Chili

Today is the second time I'm using the crock pot I acquired 4 months ago when an acquaintance of mine moved to Arizona. The first time we made pulled pork, which was ok (although I definitely made too much, since we ended up eating pulled pork sandwiches for a week and a half, which means I'm all pulled-porked-out for now).

This week I went on an internet crock pot recipe search, and found a fantastic blog, where the writer is trying a new crock pot recipe every day for a year. Complete with pictures and reviews of the food.

So yesterday at the grocery store I bought all the ingredients for the pomegranate beef recipe, which I'll be making later next week or next weekend maybe. But today I'm trying a recipe I didn't find on this blog: An imitation steak and shake chili recipe.

See, B, my fiance, is from the midwest. Something the midwest has that I haven't seen east of Ohio is Steak and Shake- a kind of chain diner thing. B LOVES Steak and Shake chili, and every time we go to visit his parents he ends up dragging me there around 5 times a week. Not that I don't love their food too, but this fact directly contributes to me gaining 5 pounds every time we visit his parents.

So since we are without steak and shake until Christmas time, after much internet research today I am attempting to make a passable imitation of Steak and Shake Chili in the crock pot. I just put everything in, and it should be finished around 4:30 tonight.

Chili:
1.5 pounds of ground beef
2 tbsp oil
1/2 tsp salt
1 can Campbell's condensed French onion soup
1 can kidney beans
1 can chili beans
1 Tbsp Chili powder
2 Tsp Cocoa Powder
2 Tsp Cumin
1/2 Tsp Black Pepper
1 8 ounce can Tomato Sauce
1/2 cup Ketchup
1 cup Dr. Pepper (not diet)

Serve with:
Pasta
Shredded Cheddar Cheese

Brown meat in oil and salt. Meanwhile, blend the soup in a blender or food processor until completely smooth. Once meat is browned, drain and then add the soup and let it simmer a few more minutes. Add beef and soup to crock. Drain beans and add to crock. Add everything else to crock. Cook on low for 6 hours. Serve over pasta and sprinkle some cheese on top.

I'll let you know how it turns out in approximately 5.5 hours.

Thanksgiving with B's family

Thanksgiving at my parents house took place without two of their three children; me and my brother spent the holidays with our respective non-jewish significant other's families. At what point do my parents realize they have decimated our family by holding such a firm line on religion? Or do they never realize that? Me and my brother have resolved that if I end up getting this job near my parents we'll do our own Thanksgivings.

My parents also did not try to contact me in any way on or near Thanskgiving, they didn't invite me to thanksgiving dinner (although if I had invited myself I doubt they would say no), and they had no idea that I was even in Illinois.

Meanwhile, I met all of B's family out in Joliet, Illinois (where his cousins live). Including his cousin who is a race car driver, his other cousin who used to go on phish tour (yay for new hippie relatives!), and a whole slew of other people. We sat at the 'kids' table, although B, at 25, was the second youngest kid (the youngest was his sister who is 22). After dinner we 'kids' went to go play wii in the basement and me and B played some awesome rounds of tennis, and some less awesome rounds of some tank game. Everyone came together at some point to watch Forrest Gump in the living room. Later at the hotel me and B hung out with 2 of his cousins and walked around, talking about life.

There was no yelling, there was no talk of politics or religion (except when B and I were explaining to some cousins why my parents aren't coming to our wedding), there was no snarky comments thrown across the table, or under someone's breath, and there was no one looking miserable or uncomfortable or awkward. People wanted to hear about my crazy parents, and people wanted to talk about the wedding, and about my job prospects. I didn't have to pretend like B didn't exist, or that we didn't live together, or that we arn't getting married. I didn't have to limit myself to only talking about school. People were nice to each other, and they seemed happy to see each other, and seemed like they were close with each other as well.

In short, it was awesome. And the exact opposite of my 'normal' Thanksgiving experiences with my parents and grandparents and cousins.

'Normal' family gatherings at my parents house involve several arguments (usually about religion and/or politics, and usually between my charedi cousins and my MO cousins), several outwardly racist and/or sexist statements, my grandmother interrogating me about my level of religiosity and telling me that "education is all nice and good, but marrying a good Jewish boy should be your first priority", and otherwise trying to convince me to be more religious, my grandmother staring in my face and inspecting my ears to see if I have new piercings, and telling me to get rid of the old ones (I have 3 earrings in each ear), or (one year when I had an eyebrow ring briefly) telling me how no one would ever marry me if I had an eyebrow ring, and my mom making snarky comments about the way I'm dressed, or the way I live my life, or how much I weigh, or how my not-modest-enough-for-her clothes make me look fat (which is how my mom tries to get me to stop wearing them). And wearing what is basically a costume, and having to pretend that I'm in any way religious, because otherwise my parents would be mortified. More recently, those gatherings have involved snarky comments from my mom about how I can't bring home leftovers because I might give them to "that person you're living with".

But I've seen the other side, and how life can be if everyone acts like adults, and tries to have a fun family gathering instead of using it to air all of ones grievances. And a family where people are genuinely happy to see each other, and everyone catches up with each other, and isn't judgmental about everything. I have seen it, and it is wonderful. And I can't imagine ever choosing to go to my parents house for Thanksgiving instead of B's family. Even if they would have me.