I don't keep in touch with a lot of my exes. Some relationships ended badly, some relationships were just bad through and through, and in general I'm not that good at keeping in touch with people. There is one dude I keep in touch with- we were friends for a year or two, we dated/hooked up for like 2 months back when I was 19, officially were "girlfriend and boyfriend" for like a week, and then broke up. Or more precisely, he broke up with me cause the "relationship was getting too serious" And then we both tried smoking stuff for the first time a week later, and he tried to touch my ass. And then hooked up with my best friend that weekend. But that's a whole other story.
Basically I was a girl he hooked up with during his 'rebellious period' as a teenager, before he went back to towing the line, and dating good jewish girls. Shidduch dating good jewish girls.
This dude had a pretty significant affect on my life in some respects. He introduced me to smoking things, and smoking cigarettes (thanks for that, I love being addicted to cigarettes now, it's totally awesome!), and he introduced me to Chuck Palahniuk, my favorite author, and B's favorite author. In fact, when I met B, it was through a dating website- and the only reason I wrote back to him at all was that Chuck Palahniuk was the first author under his 'favorite authors.' So in a way, this dude may be responsible for me dating B in the first place.
Ok that may be a stretch. But either way, me and B now own two copies of every single Chuck Palahniuk book.
Anyways, this guy got married to a lovely good jewish girl, had a kid, and recently we reconnected via facebook. We chat on facebook chat like once every 3 or 4 months, mostly about new Chuck Palahniuk books that are coming out (We are both huge fans, and he is the guy who introduced me to Palahniuk's books), or today- the new movie based on a Chuck Palahniuk book (Choke- coming out in a week or so). I mentioned today when chatting that my fiance is also a huge Palahniuk fan, and he was all "Fiance????" so I told him about B, and then told him about how B isn't jewish, so my parents don't approve.
And he replied with something like "well just for the record, neither do I."
And then continued with something like "well I wouldn't say that if I thought you would care, but I know you don't"
Well I don't care about his approval, but I still find it obnoxious that he would say that to me. I mean, who is he to approve or not approve my relationships? Some dude I briefly dated 7 years ago, who dumped ME and is not not approving of who I date/marry after him? Someone who fooled around with a LOT of girls during some rebellious phase in his life, smoked a lot of pot, and then married someone who I'M SURE had no idea about that period of his life. Especially cause I hear she was shomer negiah before they got married (for those non jews: that means she never touched a guy until she got married, let alone hooked up with one).
And yet now, this former-extremely-slutty-pothead dude who most likely is keeping secret a large part of his life from his wife is judging MY relationship decisions.
What kind of bullshit chutzpa is that!
I guess he's entitled to his opinions (just like you are).
ReplyDeleteConceivably, one can be of the opinion (for whatever reason) that Jews should marry other Jews without necessarily having lived a perfectly pure life at all times.
Odd that you're so angry at him for having been through the same sort of experiences as you and yet having come out of them on a different page (perhaps it's also odd that you seem to blame him for the fact that you smoke...).
ha, i blame him for the smoking thing cause he was a chain smoker when we were dating, and I became a smoker when we were dating...
ReplyDeleteI guess he's entitled to his opinion. It's not him in particular, it's the constant onslaught of people like him- people who are barely a part of my life- who think is is perfectly acceptable to judge my life and decisions
Sounds like a scumbag. I have an ex sort of like that (someone I dated right after college, in my more, ahem, "modern" period), but if I saw him on the street, I'd cross to the other side, and I keep in touch with almost all of my serious exes.
ReplyDeleteWhat a hypocrite he is. He was smoking pot and screwing around and he's making himself better than you because he didn't marry out? He's in no position to judge anyone. Un-Friend him.
It's always the people who have no room to judge you that judge you the most loudly.
ReplyDeleteSeems to me that the title of your post fits this guy exactly.
ReplyDeleteHe could also be jealous, if he is trapped in a world that he doesn't believe in, or feels guilty for keeping secrets from his wife, and you got out and have a great relationship with a guy you love. Possibly.
aunt becky--So true!
Do these women who keep themselves pure until they marry really believe that the men are equally pure? What century do these people live in?
ReplyDeleteBlame the douchebag on getting you hooked on cigarettes, now that he's out of your life - for 7 years - maybe you should think about stopping.
my other blog- i've stopped several times, but always seem to go back in times of stress. But since dating B i've been only buying the occasional pack here or there, cause he always lays on the guilt trip when I do. :)
ReplyDelete1) What bothers you about his judghing you? That he (supposedly) has not told his wife? And if he did tell her, is it OK to judge you? And either way...haven't you gone through things and judge others on this blog (and others)?
ReplyDelete2) Why do you tell people that he is not Jewish? I am not asking because you should feel to hide it, but out of curiosity, and I mean this with respect, do you get some sort of high or rush trying to bate some sort of reaction from people?
>Do these women who keep themselves pure until they marry really believe that the men are equally pure? What century do these people live in?
ReplyDeleteI guess it depends what community you live in. But either way, I think it is irrelevant to their choice.
i don't fully understand the reasons for your reaction to to your ex's comment.
ReplyDeleteis it because of what he WAS, or because IS now?
I guess it's because of who he was, rather than who he is. I just think it's a little outrageous for an ex anything to be judging somone's future relationships.
ReplyDeleteHH- I'm not trying to bait him, but it came up in conversation, cause he asked why we were having such a small wedding. And I'm not going to hide it. In face, talking to jewish people about being engaged WITHOUT mentioning he's not jewish seems totally dishonest to me, since their reactions are usually based on the false assumption that i'm marrying someone jewish.
Noph- why do you think it's cool to ask personal questions like that? The ass touching thing was after we broke up, which is why it was ridiculous (cause he dumped me and yet wanted to continue hooking up with me).
I disagree. I don't "know it's wrong" despite your wishful thinking on the matter, I just think this dude is a douchebag, and that it's not anyone's place to tell me who I should or should not marry, UNLESS they are a close friend and have actually ever met the guy. Otherwise this guy is basically a racist, since he's telling me he doesn't approve of my fiance based on who his ancestors are and not based on anything about him personally.
ReplyDeleteI'm insulted that these people who barely know me keep thinking that it's cool to pass judgment on my actions. This kind of behavior would never be acceptable in normal society.
I don't think running my life based on my opinions, and being pissed off that asshats think it's totally cool to disrespect my opinions, is mutually exclusive. Clearly I'm upset by the unwillingness of other people to accept my right to run my life by my own opinions.
ReplyDeleteThis guy may be a "douchebg", but if one wants to understand why people do things that they do - one must step into their shoes and look from their angle. For most jews( even not very religious) intermarriage is like amputating ones arm. If you would tell me that you are cutting off your own arm - I would also tell you that "For the record I do not approve". They view it like a very wrong decision- so that is probably why your ex told it to you. They see you as an traitor to your nation. Of course some people do like to tell others what to do, but it seems to me that in a case where people think that the other person is doing something very wrong - many people will tell you the same thing. But again you see nothing wrong with your decision.
ReplyDeleteWould I also tell you that - "I disapprove"?
I do not know what I would say, if I would say anything. When I put myself in your shoes - I do not see you decision as so extreme - it is like a French woman marrying an Englishman, and I am tempted to wish you to have a happy marriage. But when I look from an religious perspective - I see you as turning your back on jewish nation and on God.
But I will give you some advice. If you plan having kids with your fiance - you might think about what upbringing you guys will give to you children. Will you take you kids to a temple on yom kippur and to a church on easter, christmas and Hanukkah or neither? Do you want the kid to decide himself- when he grows up? Also you might want to consider the fact that your kids will be halachikly Jewish. You obviously do not need to listen to my advice, but it is good to think ahead.
Some kollel guy.
PS My father happens to be not jewish - my mom intermarried in her 1st marriage.
pondering-
ReplyDeletewe've discussed having kids, and since we are both atheists, we would not take them to temple or church for any reason. We will probably be celebrating christmas, but in a secular non-religious way. Maybe rosh hashana also, but in a "lets have a nice meal with challah and apples with honey" way, still not going to shul.
If you don't like being asked personal questions then I am sorry. But you wrote about hooking up with that guy so I thought you don't mind sharing the details of your hooking up activity.
ReplyDeletePondering made a good point - "in a case where people think that the other person is doing something very wrong - many people will tell you the same thing". Even when I was frum I would never say anything like that to someone who was marrying a goy. I had a jewish professor of English, who only had a MFA, who was marrying a Chinese buddhist. I gave her a Mazal Tov. Now I am an atheist and I don't care even about inter-racial homosexuality, except with animals. Just kidding - I still care about homosexuality with animals of other species, except with gay goyim. I don't care about them. I care about my family. I have two very beautiful dogs. One of them is a cat.
ReplyDeleteWhat happened here is that a man who wanted a very traditional partner involved himself in encouraging a series of women into behavior (dating, smoking,) that made them unsuitable for his marriage needs. He bears far more responsibility for the intermarriage rate than the women whom he dated without ever intending the relationships to become "serious."
ReplyDeleteHi AE,
ReplyDeleteI think that with the time, you will get more and more routine in answering this kind of remarks, and it will hurt you less and less.
Now you already found a good reply, i.e. Why don't you approve? Do you happen to be a racist?
And this will stuff his beak.
chuck palahniuk is the man !
ReplyDelete