Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Coming out to relatives...

People continue to surprise me. A cousin of mine (who is exactly my age, lives in Israel, divorced, and who I know has lived with a guy who she wasn't married to) saw the post I put on facebook about my wedding dress, and was all "mazal tov? hello talk to me... love you"

I took that to mean that she had no idea I was getting married. So instead of ignoring her, I decided to just tell her about it. I mean, she lives in Israel, I've met her maybe 6 times in my life (although we lived in the same room for around 6 weeks when I was 14), it's not like if I wasn't marrying B we would have a great relationship or something.

So I sent her a short email:
Hi *cousin*-

Yeah I'm getting married- and have been living with my fiance for about 8 months now. We are getting married on May 17, 2009.

My fiance isn't Jewish (He's not any other religion either- he's an atheist), so I don't think my parents have been telling anybody about the wedding (they are very upset about it and aren't coming). Since my parents aren't going to come, we decided to have a really small wedding with just a few close friends and my fiance's parents and sister (around 15 guests). I haven't really told a lot of people in our family that I'm getting married since I think most people would be upset about it.

How are you? How is your job going? Are you still doing the news?

Love you too!
Abandoning Eden

and got this back 5 minutes later:

you are very brave... my heart with you. i dont care for religion as long as you love him. sorry that your parents dont support you...
and i wish you all the love happines and luck . my english is very poor,so i cant say all my wishes. May 17, 2009. excited

love you more then ever in this special moment

mazal tov

*beams with happiness*


  1. I clicked on one of your links and was shocked at the marriage one of the bloggers described - hers, her friends. I don't know how things like that go on in the 21st century - women hating sex, women feeling disconnected to their babies, people getting dressed and undressed in the dark, denying their sexuality - which, I feel, is a gift from God.
    I'm so happy that you're marrying for love! And that at least one of your relatives is happy for you.

  2. I have been following your story and this post made me so happy for you (and quite proud of your cousin). Mazal tov!

  3. my other blog- was that hassidic feminist? She grew up hassidic, which is a much more restrictive community then even the one I grew up in (mine was "modern" orthodox).

    It's shocking, but I know people like that (for instance my cousin was married through an arranged marriage and now at age 22 is expecting her third child- and her rabbi has told her that she isn't allowed to use birth control until she has at least one boy and one girl. So far she has 2 boys).

  4. my ehm inglesh is not so goot. eeeehm. mazal tov and much hatzlachan in your chatunah. eeehm.

    eet eez goot

  5. See- sometimes the truth CAN set you free.

  6. AE:
    That's the stuff:)

  7. That's great. It's hard, because we get so used to disapproval and scorn, sometimes we don't give people a chance. You really don't know how people are going to react. Kudos to you for being open. I have the same policy now. Anybody who asks an honest question gets an honest answer. If they don't want to know, they shouldn't ask. :-)

  8. @ jewish Atheist:

    What scorn exactly have you been privy to? You broke up with a long-term GF just for the simple fact that she was one of those horrible non-Jews!! (If my memory serves me correct.) You then cut yourself off to, let's see, 97.5% of the American population in considering a potential mate. Why did you do this? B/c you need to serve an archaic and ethnocentric tradition.

    Yea AE is an example of someone with cajones, not you.

  9. why are you attacking JA? He found someone he loves who happens to be jewish, and is having a wedding according to the traditions he grew up with. It's perfectly all right to do that. If my parents would agree to come to my wedding I would probably agree to incorporate some jewish elements into it as well (in fact, we still might...we haven't designed the ceremony yet).

    Also, you don't know why JA broke up with his ex (are you the ex or something?) Maybe the jewish thing was an excuse for a larger problem.

  10. Wow. I'm happy for you that you have some support, if not from your parents. I'm really sorry that your parents can't open their minds a bit more and put your happiness before their own personal biases. *sigh*

  11. @ AE:

    I recall from his blog that a large reason why JA broke up with her was he knew his parents would never accept a non-Jew spouse. Then, he specifically confined himself to only dating Jews for the sole purpose of not hurting his parents and their inane ethnocentrism. She didn't "happen to be Jewish". He would have only cinsidered her under the contingency of her being Jewish.

    In regards to his wedding, I wouldn't have too much trouble if he wants to incorporate CULTURAL aspects of Jewsh life. But he's an atheist and I recall he's having an rleigiously ORTHODOX wedding. That's absurd and shows he lacks any testicular fortitude.

  12. glad you found some biofamily that can be happy for you and B, and be nice to him and stuff. ((ae)).

  13. Heart warming.

    I recently took a gamble and told someone, a fellow chassid where I stood, hoping that he would reciprocate. I somehow could tell that he was as sceptical as I was.

    Turned out to be a life saver for both of us.

  14. Ivy Leaguer,

    Don't be too hard on JA. There's no right or wrong way to live life and all the decisions involved here are very difficult indeed.

    It's not for lack of courage that people don't cut off their families, it's because they're human and have strong emotional ties to them.

    It seems to be the norm that the less religious people are, the more accepting of you they'll be. I find it's quite ironic really, but completely makes sense... Nontheless, it still takes an amazing amount of guts. I'm happy it paid off :D

  15. @ Jewish Skeptic:

    I understand that viewpoint but I believe personal loyalty supersedes any other tradition or responsibility (for the most part). One's parents should NEVER choose one's spouse or, as in his case, define an appropriate ethnic make-up of potential romantic relationships. Further, I can not agree with forsaking one's own beliefs to please the inane wishes of others. I guess it doesn't matter b/c he seems to have found the right person, but his orthodox wedding is just going too far.

    I sympathize with JA's actions, but I wholeheartedly condemn them.


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