So this morning I finally got up the courage to call my parents to tell them I was pregnant. It went pretty well. I called my dad's cell phone and he was like "congrats I know you've really wanted this" and then asked me all sorts of questions, and then he went and found my mom and she kinda paused and was like "that's very good to hear" and then BAM gave me like 30 minutes of pregnancy advice and asked me all these questions and was actually really cool about it. So that was nice. She kept giving me really simple advice like "are you on prenatal vitamins? You know you should be drinking a lot of fluids right? You should be eating a lot of fruits and vegetables you know" lol. I told her how I've been falling asleep at like 7pm every night and she told me about how when she was pregnant, Princess Diana was pregnant with Prince William (weird, and now I'm pregnant same time as not-really-Princess Kate!), and how the media started catching on to the fact that she was pregnant cause she kept falling asleep at like state functions. And not a single mention of religion or circumcision was made (better than I can say for my in laws who brought it up like the first conversation!)
So that went better than I expected I guess. :) I'm glad I've gotten it over with. I'm going to email them pictures from the ultrasound and they are going to email me pictures of the renovations they are doing on their condo in Florida that they are planning to retire to in a few years (which used to be my grandparents before they died).
There was one sour note when my mom told me how she's having a party on Sunday and my entire extended family is coming. Why? Cause I wasn't invited. Why would she tell me that shit when she doesn't invite me?
Telling was good. News of the party was not. Perhaps you need to activate your don't give a damn shield. Happy new year to the three of you.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear that it went well!
ReplyDeleteYou may be reading too much into this thing with the party, though. Doesn't your whole family live generally around the NYC area or at least in the Northeast? You don't. My parents tell me about family stuff I'm not invited to, and I only live three hours away and have a life. Sometimes I get a token we-know-you-won't-really-come-but maybe-send-a-present invite to a wedding or bridal shower, but usually I don't. You have an important job and live a whole day's drive away.
Laurie I wrote more about that here: http://abandoningeden.blogspot.com/2012/12/intermission-so-i-am-invited-home.html
ReplyDeleteI haven't been invited home since before I got engaged to my husband in 2008, so I don't think I'm reading too much into it...
I remember that post! I wrote a comment on it but my computer crashed or something and I didn't publish it. You and your family had a gap of a few years and a lot of hard feelings, and your relationship with each other doesn't get to evolve into an adult one naturally. Maybe this exchange will have the effect of letting them know you would like to be invited to family stuff, when they previously assumed that you wouldn't.
ReplyDeleteIsn't your husband from the midwest? Many people there are masterful at getting messages across in a passive-aggressive way. :)
By which I mean that he should have a passing familiarity with people who communicate in this way. Not that he's passive-aggressive, since I get the sense he's not.
DeleteI didn't grow up Orthodox, we are Orthodox in practice now, my family is not. Because my parents want their grandchildren over a lot, they now have cookware for use for when we are there.
ReplyDeleteThat said, extended family have events on Friday nights or Saturdays that we can't attend. I still like being told about them. It's not always in an invitation way.
Just a thought, your mom MIGHT be inviting you in a sort of okay way. I mean, she told you about it BEFORE the party, if you showed up, it wouldn't be ridiculous to take it as an invitation. Perhaps they were advised by a Rabbi to do this hair splitting.
So Orthodox sources seem weird with handling the intermarried. If they sent an invitation to you, you'd take it as an insult for not inviting your husband. If they sent it to you and B (as your husband), they'd violate Jewish law as they know it. As a result, you have a standstill. In fact, when you've confronted them about it, they've said "of course he's welcome" or something similar, right?
Rather than trying to "win" this fight with your parents, perhaps you should try something solution oriented. Confront your parents with, "I want to be involved with our family, but that includes B. I realize that you can't, halachically, invite him as my husband." Can you invite me as "you and yours" or something generic, without officially acknowledging B, and I'll realize that you are including us?
You lived in this culture and were educated it in, you know it's not entirely personally snubbing.
Do keep in mind, they are moving to South Florida in a couple of years. I promise you, things are way more relaxed down here than NYC.
Well said Miami Al. You pretty much covered every point I wanted to make. Plus a few extra.
ReplyDeleteAbandoning Eden, I've been reading your blog for quite some time now and been meaning to comment on several of your posts, but, eehhh, I'm sure you know how it goes when it comes to commenting (or things in general I suppose); wanting and doing....
which part of jewish law says "thou shall not invite over your non jewish son in law?" I don't think they are doing this for halachic purposes I think it's because they are embarrassed that i married someone not jewish and feel like if they invite us over it will reflect badly on them to the rest of the family.
ReplyDeletewhich part of jewish law says "thou shall not invite over your non jewish son in law?" I don't think they are doing this for halachic purposes I think it's because they are embarrassed that i married someone not jewish and feel like if they invite us over it will reflect badly on them to the rest of the family.
ReplyDeleteMy underestanding was they are supposed to sit shiva for you if you marry out and pretend you don't exist. My great aunt and uncle did that to their daughter for nearly 15 years until they realized that it hurt them more than it hurt their daughter. They rekindled their relationship and had a wonderful relationship for many, many years before they died.
ReplyDeleteI don't think people really sit shiva for kids anymore.
i think its just because people just relized how stupid it is and how many people just live a life and dont want to be religious it just went to the next level jewishfun2@gmail.com
DeleteAE, well, if they are embarrassed, what do you want from them? You are quite vocal and visible about your lack of Jewish practice, particularly as they understand it. If you want to be invited to stuff, structure it as a win-win. Is it possible for you to offer that in their neck of the woods, you'll wear a hat/skirt, and your husband will wear a hat? That would give the appearance of Modern Orthodoxy, not intermarriage, and might let them save face.
ReplyDeleteYou are entitled to live your adult life as you see fit. You're not entitled to rub their friends and families nose in it.
"thou shall not invite over your non jewish son in law?"
Halacha? Nothing. Contemporary practice, plenty. Every stream of Jewish thought has different thoughts on the intermarried. My explanation is not a non-mainstream one, and it's quite possible that it is the one they are using.
It's also how my family members tell me about gatherings that take place over Shabbat.
Kudos to your parents from not bringing up religion or circumcision. But I don't understand why you are so offended and defensive about your inlaws asking about religion or circumcision. These questions aren't really out of the ordinary. Especially since in this country, circumcision isn't really about religion (unless we are talking about an actual bris). A lot of babies are circumcised before they leave the hospital, or on their first follow up check up with the doctor.
ReplyDeletewow thats so nice to hear and im happy for u that it went well i think they are scared to ask you about religious things thay dont want you to bust in there face
ReplyDeletebut im sure it will still come out