Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The life and times of AE

Things have been a little crazy lately. I've been traveling a lot (a conference in late October, an interview in early November, Thanksgiving, and in a week and a half it's off to the midwest for Christmas at B's parent's house). This means that for the past two months approximately every other or every third week, I've been going on a 3-5 day trip. This has thrown off my whole work routine; it takes me at least a week to 'recover' from these trips and get back into a frame of mind to get some serious work done, and by the time I'm back in that frame of mind, it's time to go somewhere else.

Added on top of that is that I've been waiting to hear back from this job, which is really stressing me out. They told me they would let me know last week or this week, and I've heard nothing, and there's been nothing on my professions' wiki (that keeps track of which jobs have been offered). But I assume that they have offered it to their first choice and are waiting for that person to make a decision.

I'm still stressing out about it. Not because I particularly want this job, but I just want to know if I'm going to be spending a 6th year in grad school or not..if I am, I can relax and not feel so guilty about doing basically no work on my dissertation for the past month or so. If I do get the job, I need to be seriously working my ass off right now. So instead I'm stuck in a limbo where I'm not working as seriously as I would need to be if I got the job, but I'm not able to relax as I would if I hadn't gotten the job.

On top of THAT is regular end of semester madness; I've spent the past 5 days or so grading papers, and tonight my class has it's final which I have to grade as well (and get final grades in).

And all this stress and travel have definitely made me more ornery in general, which has led to some 'work-life spillover' in that I have been picking fights nonstop with B (because he happens to be the only one around to pick fights with). This built up to a huge altercation on Sunday, which involved both of us crying, and then talking for hours about what was bothering each of us and how we can improve our relationship so that we are both happier. One of the reasons I love B is that whenever we fight we end up having these long talks...and actually do things about it. As a result our relationship has actually been improving over time (as opposed to other relationships I've been in, which have always seemed like a slow march towards destruction).

I've now not spoken to either of my parents in a little over a month, since I called to talk about my interview, and my mom went on her whole delusional rant about how if I want to talk to her I can never talk about B. So I've just given up on talking to both my parents at this point.

Me and B are thinking of going to sears or something this weekend and getting a professional photo taken of us, and then framing it and giving it to B's mom for a Christmas present. We'd also get one for our house, and I'm thinking of mailing one to my parents. In a normal family that would be a nice thing...but in this case I'm just pretending my family is normal. And would that actually be a passive aggressive move on my part?


  1. Well, you could consider the portrait-sending to be passive aggressive or you could just consider it to be a "here we are, this is me," sort of thing which is honest and there's nothing wrong with that AT all.
    But since you know they're not a "normal" family and that it's going to piss them off no matter what spirit it is sent in, it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to send one.
    Seems like a question one of your Talmudic commenters could turn over and discuss.

  2. I'd send 'em a picture. Forget about what they think. You life goes on...they're always going to be your parents. Just like Ms. Moon said - "I am what I am...He we are!"

  3. I disagree with BlackEye. Do not send the picture. You may never speak to your parents again (unlikely but a real possibility) but they are still your parents. They will find the picture an insult (and will probably throw it out).
    Remember kevud avot (respect for your parents). Even though you do not believe in the Torah, respect for your parents supersedes all else.

  4. "slow march towards distruction"...

    Sounds like an awsome metallica song

  5. And would that actually be a passive aggressive move on my part?

    Yes. But totally understandable.

  6. How about sending them a link by email to a digital version of the photo? And put it on a site where you can track views and IP addresses so you can (likely) tell if they looked at it.

  7. An engagement photo is an excellent idea! Post it on Facebook. That way your 400 friends (and I quit facebook because I couldn't keep up with 30 friends) can see the man you're marrying, and if 100 - 200 of them realize that he doesn't look like they do, well, they're going to learn this sooner or later. It may as well be sooner - you'll find out who your real friends are.
    I'd not send a copy to the parents, I think it's up to them to reach out to you.

  8. In my family, that would be very passive-aggressive and it sounds similar in your family, but I would actually do it anyways, LOL. They know he exists, you love him, why can't you send them a pic if you want to?! It's not like they're happy with you now and you'll be rocking the boat or something.
    On another note, wow you're busy!

  9. Anonymous--
    "respect for your parents supersedes all else"
    I disagree. I think that AE needs to do what is right for her and it would be great if she can also please her parents, but you cannot live your life just to please your parents.

  10. It's just going to annoy them so it doesn't make any sense to do it. Unless you just want to annoy them.

    I'm thinking that once you do get married they are likely to soften up because now they can no longer put you off going ahead with it. Especially if you have a child (who will be halakhically Jewish). Maybe they won't of course but it's more likely then I think than now. Sounds like a lost cause though in the period up till the marriage. Still I'd keep the communication channel open with your father by e-mail at least.

  11. my other blog-

    ha, that would be great, but unfortunately B can totally pass for jewish...he has a whole jew fro going on (he has big curly hair) and he's kinda darker skinner like jewish people (his mother is Sicilian and they are darker people apparently?). And his last name is also a common name among jewish people. :)

  12. Well, if B can pass for Jewish, then why not post it? It'll be a bit ambiguous and people will be able to think whatever they want, never mind the details.

    Homeschool Mom

  13. either you want them to eventually accept the two of you - in which case sending it definitely wont help
    you want to stop caring and move on, in which case sending it is irrelevant.

    as for your facebook question - i dont think you owe anyone any explanations. they are making assumptions... its their problem.

  14. I'm happy you and B are so happy. You have such a great connection, I think you are a beautiful match!

    I would not send the photo. Not out of any principle, but just because I think it won't be constructive in the long run. But I think the idea of a photo for you is just lovely. We've wanted one for a long time!

    I'm still thinking about the dress. It's hard to imagine exactly how it's going to sit (I hate when the skirts flare out too much), and also, I wonder with the accessories that you would enjoy adding, that you just have a simpler pattern dress to balance. I don't know. Man it is hard to talk by e-mail. I'm gonna have to call you soon! The dress is fun though! And I'm sure you'll look lovely in whatever you decide on!


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