Monday, August 11, 2008

Still angry

Coincidentally, after I wrote that post yesterday, my dad sent me an email for the first time since he sent me that one saying he won't be coming to my wedding (and since I sent back that other one saying he's still welcome to come, which he never wrote back to).

Not going to post the email here, but here's a summary: "Blah blah, your senile grandfather is moving up to our house from Florida and we are currently looking for an apartment for him; Blah blah we're going to a conference this week, and then we're going to Florida for a wedding; nothing about B; still no mention about B; oh by the way we're going to a wedding in Florida next week which I mentioned- remember that guy I was friends with who moved to Florida about 14 years ago? Well his son, who I haven't seen since he was around 10, is getting married, so I'm going to his son's wedding."

So great. The first communication in a month, no mention of B, and my dad tells me all about how he's going to be flying down to florida for a wedding of someone who he HASN'T SEEN SINCE HE WAS TEN YEARS OLD, a month after telling me he can't drive TWO FUCKING HOURS to attend my wedding because I didn't make the exact same decisions as him.

I can only conclude from this email that my dad is the biggest douchebag on the planet and is deliberately trying to taunt me, or he is so clueless that he doesn't even realize how hurtful reading that is for me.

Last night, after reading that email, I had a dream that I was moving into a new house with my family. One of my brothers got a beautiful room with huge stained glass windows. My other brother got a huge room, that was really like 3 rooms with the walls knocked down, combined into one huge room. Also he had a butler. For some reason a prof from my program had a room next to my brother's room.

I got a room in the building next door, dormitory style, shared with 7 other people. When I tried to ask my mother if I could move into the same house as the rest of the family, she refused to even talk to me.

Hmm, I wonder what that could mean.


  1. You understand your father better than he understands you.

  2. Pleeeeeeease, stop being angry because of this.

    That's exactly the way they punish you (although I do not think it was intentional).

    They can refuse to come to your wedding, they can refuse to meet B,


    You understand what I mean?

  3. How come you decided not to post the letter like you usually do?

  4. I know it sounds odd, but try not to take it personally. Look at it as the reason why your parents can't show up is because of some silly religious obligations that prevents them from doing what they really want to do. They may even in their hearts feel as badly about it as you do. I'd feel sorry for them too

  5. Hi,

    I'd thought I'd de-lurk to add my $.02. I don't want to minimize the fact that you clearly don't have a good relationship with your father and that he's probably largely to blame.

    However, your parents not attending your wedding shouldn't be seen as just another spiteful act. I have seen orthodox parents with good relationships with children in your situation and they still don't go to the wedding even though they feel awful. They simply feel that halacha forbids them to attend. You may feel that one's love for their child should trump halacha - but this just underscores the different ways you've chosen to live your lives.

  6. anon 2- cause it was a bunch of non-related to jewish stuff? I only post emails that are all about jewish stuff...

  7. Eden, I feel for you, girl. When this stuff invades the dreams, it's personal.

    Just keep in mind that they haven't cut you off... they've only said they aren't coming to the wedding. I wouldn't read too much into this stuff if it's not there explicitly.

    The same goes for your dad's letter. It was insensitive and douchebag-ey, it's true. But I don't know if he meant it as a SEE, THERE!

    However, it's sad we have to parent our parents. It seems OJ has turned our parents into children, mentally.

    They simply feel that halacha forbids them to attend.

    Please. Have they asked a rabbi? Or are they paskening from Fiddler on the Roof?

    It's all about your dad's huge ego, and his denial of reality. It has nothing to do with halakha.

  8. AE:

    Don't expect your Dad to accept B or your pending marriage. He is who he is and will probably never change. You will have to live with that or just stop communicating with him (except maybe a Rosh Hashanah card with your coordinates so he can reach out if he so desires). Many Jewish and Christian families are torn apart by situations like your own (I have personally seen it) and there is not much you can do to change the way people react to these situations.

    If your dreams keep recurring and they bother you may I politely suggest you discuss them a with a professional counselor. You have to come to peace with this otherwise this will haunt you for the rest of your life.

    Good luck!

    Left Brooklyn

  9. I vote clueless more than douchebag, and I think you should let him know how much it hurts you, as you wrote. I also think he's not going for the wedding, he's going to see his buddy. The wedding is just an excuse for his friend to throw a party.

    As far as your dream goes, you seem to have issues w/both your parents, but mostly your mom, and that seems to have nothing to do with religion at all. But what do I know?

  10. "They simply feel that halacha forbids them to attend.

    Please. Have they asked a rabbi? Or are they paskening from Fiddler on the Roof?

    It's all about your dad's huge ego, and his denial of reality. It has nothing to do with halakha."

    And you think the rabbi would say they could go? I doubt it.

  11. @rabban gamliel

    What's the difference between a guest and a hostage?

    The guest comes on his own free will.
    This means that you cannot force anybody to be a guest.

    If AE's Dad does not want to attend the wedding, for any reason, than it's is right. (civil right)

  12. caps are a sign of anger. Why are you angry?


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