Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Talked with dad last night

After sending my dad a text message, he called me. We talked for a while about how his dad is driving him crazy with living at his house, Barkley stuff, etc. I also told him about the letter that Mom sent me- according to him he hadn't seen it, and my mom hadn't saved a copy. He didn't believe that she would have disowned me and was all "it was just her way of reaching out to you and keep in touch!" I told him it was SO NOT that type of letter, and offered to send it along as proof. Along with the letter I sent her. Apparently she didn't show my dad the letter, but she told him I really overreacted to her letter. Anyways, I'm not sure if it was cool of me to pass that on to him, cause she might not have wanted him to see it...but on the other hand, maybe my dad can talk some sense into her? Or something?

So I don't even know. My dad wrote back to my email and was all "I don't have time to read this tonight, but I printed it out and will let you know what I think in a few days."

And my conversation with my dad was actually kinda...nice. I talked about life, including stuff about B, and he talked about his life, and we actually talked to each other like normal adults. Unlike my mother, he hasn't said anything about cutting off our relationship if I marry B, and he seems to have accepted that we actually are getting married, and that there's nothing he can do to stop it. At least I'm taking it as such, since he didn't try to convince me to not marry B. It was maybe the first conversation we've had since I told him I was dating B that wasn't about him trying to convince me not to date B.

So I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed again, but I think my dad actually might be coming around a little, and I predict that after we get married he will probably meet B. My mother, I don't know. Even before sending me a big dramatic letter, she refused to mention anything having to do with B in conversation.

But my parents are separate people. I can have a relationship with my dad, but not my mom, even though they are still married. And my dad seems to want to still have a relationship with me- otherwise why would he have called in response to a text message?


  1. That's good news. Your Mom may eventually come around as well, particularly if you and Dad are maintaining contact with civility.

    Her denials about having saved the letter and mentioning that you "overreacted" seems to indicate some level of regret. This is also portend the possibility of a future thaw.

  2. I don't have high hopes for mom changing. She sounds very different from your dad. More rigid, more of a concrete thinker. But as far as including your dad in what is going on with you and your mom, that is fair game, even with you all being grown, they are your parents and it is completely within the scope of normal and expected to voice feelings, concerns and opinions to your dad regarding things going on between you and your mom.

    And for the record, you didn't "over-react". Not sure how one could have some kind of "measured and appropriate reaction" to being written off.

    And being written off for marrying a loving man?!? People's priorities never cease to amaze me. I often wonder in my own life, as a person who left OJ, if I would have had a more kind and generous response if instead of stopping to observe shabbat, I had done something equally against their torah values, like stolen or something.

  3. When i was having major issues with my parents, I always told my wife that I would be willing to have a relationship with either or both of my parents based on how they changed their emotionally abusive behavior.

    I think you are wise to not make this an all or nothing situation. If you are able to have a relationship with your dad and not your mom then go for it.

    Just some advice, don't get ahead of yourself and assume that he will bring your mom around as well, but that could happen. also, not to rain on your party, remember that this may also be tough for your dad because he has to live with your mom and it is possible that she will pull him to "her side". So just take it all in stride and remember to appreciate the fact that your dad is coming around at this time, but don't be to bummed if this is not the real deal and he pulls away once again.

  4. Really delighted for you, to hear that things are becoming a little easier with your dad. Hopefully this will continue, and eventually things will smooth out. It's probably important for your emotional wellbeing to keep in contact with at least one of your parents, given the other's (ie, your mam's) irrational decision to cut you out of her life.

    As for letting your dad see the letter from you mam, I think that's absolutely fair game. If she didn't want him to ever see, either she shouldn't have written it in the first place or she should have stipulated she wanted it kept just between you and her.

    It's wonderful to hear that your dad is appearing to be more accepting of B! :-D

  5. Glad that your Dad is willing to talk with you; I hope they both come around, although I don't know how likely that is.

  6. I have more the impression that it is a kind of "good cop - bad cop" approach...

    So I would not trust too much that your dad will be on your side "against" your mom.

    Fundamentally, they both agree.

    So it could be a turn around: they have said all they could in order to keep you from doing what they do not want you to do, and now you can all move on.

    But it does not have to be...

  7. No I'm so glad you're talking with your father! This is good!

  8. DEar AE's father

    Emunah is perhaps most important when you have children.

    Because children are human beings and human beings have bechira chofshit. And this means: what becomes of your children is not in your hand. This means "Lo aleicha ha melacha ligmor wein ata ben chorin le hibatel mimena".

    You have to do the work, you have to give your best for your children. But what becomes of it is not in your hand.

    This is true for any parent, be he an atheist or a believer. But for believers it should be easier to understand that they do not have absolute power.

  9. Dear Abandoning Eden,

    What's your email address?


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