Monday, March 16, 2009

Wedding invitation...

I got an emailed invitation to my cousin's wedding, which is in 2 weeks. My parents, who I am not exactly on speaking terms with, will definitely be there. This cousin probably knows about B even though I've never told him straight out- and the invitation he sent me made no mention of B.

Do I:
a) Write back asking "Is B(my fiance) also invited?" Under the presumption that I would actually show up with B at the wedding if he says yes (I don't know if I have the ovaries to do that, especially given that I don't think B would be willing to wear a kippa and/or meet my parents under these circumstances)
b) not mention B and go to the wedding on my own (it's a 2.5 hour drive, but I can do it)
c) Politely decline the invitation, making up some plausible excuse or
d) Explain the situation and then politely decline

Potential confounding factors: My mother will be there, which will make for intense awkwardness due to that whole "not having a relationship with me" letter she sent a month or two ago. My brother, the not religious one, won't be there. My other brother, the one who told me B will die if we don't break up or he converts, will be there. My other cousins, who have tried to convince me I'm not ready to get married, will be there. I probably won't know anyone there except for my ultra orthodox relatives, most of whom are trying to convince me not to get married, the others who have no idea I'm engaged. I can't imagine any way in which I will have a good and not completely awkward time at this wedding.

Yeah, this should really be a no-brainer, right? And yet...the guy who is getting married is actually pretty cool, we have hung out apart from the rest of our family and I really like him. I know for a fact that he dated a non Jewish girl for 3 years (even though his fiance is orthodox Jewish) and so he might be somewhat sympathetic to my situation. He is a good guy, and why should his wedding be thrown into the middle of my fight with my parents, especially since it seems he still wants me there despite my parents' wishes (cause he contacted me directly as I assume my parents told him they wouldn't pass on an invitation to me).

I really want to go, but I just don't see a way that this won't end in badness.


  1. I once had a similar situation where I thought it would best not to attend a wedding, but I was too close to the groom to ignore his happy day. Instead of the wedding, I attended a sheva brochos. We sat together, we drank, we laughed; it was great. Not sure if your cousin will make sheva brochos, but if they make another smaller party, think about it showing up there.

  2. Your blog entry is about how you would feel at the wedding. Most etiquette guides, in answer similar questions, reverse the thinking. Will your attending add to your cousin's celebration/enjoyment or will it be a distraction that will detract from their wedding? Can you remain on the fringes, rather than become the center of attention, that way you can support your cousin without trumping the party? (I haven't read all the details, so an wary to post a suggestion beyond these questions and am aware that their are almost always exceptions to rules and guidelines and I don't know the details of this situation nor am I wise being only 41.)

  3. Product- he is having sheva brachot, but my parents (who he is very close with) will probably be at most if not all of them. Plus he lives 2 and a half hours away from me, and both me and B have work every morning which we need to go to- so it would be pretty much impossible with our work schedule.

    With the wedding it might be easier to blend into the crowd...

  4. I once commented on your blog that you treat your parents nastily. Well, I changed my mind. I know you’re having a hard time reconciling your chosen life-style with that of your family, and I think you’re handling the challenges with grace. Still, were it me, I would cut out the sarcasm when talking to my parents.

  5. I vote for D. You're not inviting her to your wedding are you?

  6. him, no i'm not inviting him to the wedding (we aren't inviting any extended family). But on the other hand, why does my parents get to "keep" my family?

  7. Let him know you'll come to the chuppah, wish him mazel tov and be on your way.

    Why do your parents get to "keep" your family? Well, choosing a different path is pretty much synonymous with striking out on your own. I'm sure it feels great to be independant and creating your own life, but then you end up leaving behind people that matter to you.

    I hope you're able to maintain a relationship with this "cool" cousin, but I agree with the previous comment- you want to avoid any possibility of creating a scene or ruining his simcha. It's his day, not yours.


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