Tuesday, March 17, 2009

And the response

We are very glad that you can come.
Wow! you are getting married too!!! we haven't been updated for a while. what are your wedding plans?
i wish you happiness and all the best! now i remember seeing your photos on face book with your fiancé. I just took a look again, you look happy and laughing a lot!
I understand your situation...and i am sorry to hear about the pain that you need to go through with your parents.
we would love to have you for the entire wedding so i think you are right about not causing a scene so you can come on your own
so your parents can be ok.
I also want to invite you to the Sheva Brachot which will be at D's house in *** on Monday 7pm the day after the wedding.


So...I guess I'm going to this wedding. Without B, which is probably good, cause he was getting very anxious about going with me and having to get a hat to wear and meeting my parents at a wedding, which is not exactly the situation in which you want to meet your fiance's parents. On the other hand, he doesn't understand why I'm going at all. He may be right. But I feel like I have a relationship with this cousin independent of my parents, and I want to be at his wedding. I also feel like I have so few family members who are nice to me about B, that I have to cling to the few who are (even if that niceness only extends to emails and not invitations). If I was married to B already, I would probably insist he come with me, and it definitely stings to know that if he was Jewish he would probably be invited with no problem. I don't know. I'm very conflicted about the whole thing, but I think I'm going to go.

I keep thinking about one of my ex's- shortly after he got married to the girl he left me for, we ended up at the same music festival, camping right next to each other (near the only other 2 people either of us knew at the festival- at that point I was fairly new to festivals and wasn't comfortable enough to camp alone). It was intensely awkward, and it was the first time I had really hung out with him since he left me.

But I made it through that. I can't say I was thrilled about the situation, but I survived without any major mental breakdowns and managed to have a good time at the festival. So why can't I make it through this wedding? I'm sure my dad will be nice to me. This cousin who was already very nice about B is flying in from Israel to be at the wedding, and it's not like I have a lot of opportunities to see her. I have other cousins who will be there who know about B and are nice, and maybe I can use this as an opportunity to inform some other family members about my upcoming wedding, since I have to tell them all eventually.

The only thing is my Mom...but maybe I can just treat her like I treated my ex at that festival. Which is to gracefully avoid her as much as possible, and not bring up past hurts during any accidental interaction. Be civil and take the high ground.

At the very least I'll get a great blog post or two about the wedding.


  1. Your story is an inspiration to all of us.

  2. Yes. It all boils down to blog material, doesn't it?

  3. >Yes. It all boils down to blog material, doesn't it?


  4. Oh, I think you need protection at this wedding! Can't B. wear a baseball hat or something and come with you?
    Or, do you really think that your family isn't going to take this opportunity to gang up on you and try to talk you out of your marriage?
    Maybe you can hire a big, burly guy to go with you and sit with his arm around you and glare at anyone who comes within arm's length. Hire a big burly woman, too, for the times you need to use the Women's Room. (I've seen scenes in restrooms that were petty compared to the issues you're confronting with your parents. Throw a little alcohol in - there will be alcohol, right? - and people can really start acting badly.)

  5. Yeah B doesn't get it, but wanting to hold onto the family that does support you is important- although more so for having effectively sacrificed your relation with at least one parent already. We all need family. If they're distant ones, or barely not even related- we need them. I think you are doing a good job and I think you will bring a xanax and two more in your pocket, and build some important connections with all the family, your family, that supports and loves you. Excellent. :) See you soon!!!

  6. B might be hurt that you want to associate at all with your family that has rejected him and you. It sounds childish, but so does this whole situation.

    He might not admit it, but it's a possibility. In situations like this, it boils down to whose side are you on anyway.

  7. This is a tough one. If it were me and I was currently in a situation like you are with your mom, I wouldn't want to face it at someone else's wedding.

    You will have to face your mom eventually, and things may turn out (in the long run) differently than you're envisioning at this moment in your life, but maybe a family wedding isn't the place or time for this to happen.

    Also, why do you persist in using the incorrect grammar "me and B"? Is it deliberate (you flout grammar the way you have chosen to go against other traditions)? Is it your education (unlikely, since you're in graduate school)? Why, why, why??

  8. tesyaa- I write blog posts the way I talk, which is frequently grammatically incorrect.

    When I write formal papers I pay more attention to grammar- but then again, I usually don't write about "B and I" or "Me and B" in formal papers.

    "Me and B" just rhymes ok!!!!

  9. AE, If my husband wasn't welcome at a function for any reason, I wouldn't go. Perhaps fiances are not traditionally invited to simchas in your family as they are in mine, in which case, I take no issue, but if that is not the case, I am concerned that you may be setting a bad precedent.

    You did the right thing when you chose B over your family. Not sure why this is any different except for the fact that you offered not to take B before your cousin told you if he would be welcome or not.

  10. Tell ya what - you get through this stuff and we'll forget it all while we tour Rome and cruise in the Med. No complications. No expectations. No opinions from us about what you should or shouldn't do or think. We accept you and you are very welcome into our family. So what if our backgrounds are different. Doesn't bother us. "Somebody" needs to find a way to get over it. We're good to go and I can't wait for the wedding!!

  11. I think you handled it very well, and good luck at the wedding!
    (If I were you though, I would have B keep his cell phone on and near him throughout the whole time so that if things start to go really badly you could call him for emotional back-up. I know that I do that when I'm facing hostile people from my old frum community. etc. Just knowing that someone who totally supports and loves me is available should I need support helps me, even if I never call.)

  12. I'm just glad I don't have to go to the wedding. Send them all my chutzpah.


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