Thursday, July 10, 2008

Email I just sent to my dad

Hi Abba!

So now that the news of my engagement has had a few days to sink in, I wanted to check in and see what's up. Sorry I was so weird on the phone...I was super nervous about telling you. Thank you for being so nice about it...Mom was kind of nasty about it, and I appreciate that you were trying to be nice even though the news probably took you aback.

So I was wondering if there is any possibility at all that you will come to our wedding, with or without Mom? I know the answer is probably no, but I didn't want to assume that without asking you, and I need to know for logistical reasons. If you are 100% sure you will not be coming, then that is ok, but if you have any chance of coming, we will need to change our plans a bit to accommodate you, which we will be happy to do.

Right now we are planning on having a small (less than 20 people) non-religious ceremony somewhere in (city), and then all going out to a restaurant. As of now the restaurant won't be kosher, but you can come to the ceremony and then leave if you want to, or come join us but not eat or we will find some kosher food for you..we will figure out something if you decide to come (We may have it at a BYOB so we can get some kosher wine for you- not sure if you drink or not).

Right now the wedding is tentatively scheduled for Sunday April 19th, which I am pretty sure is during sefirah. I don't know your feelings on that (if it's a non-jewish wedding does that count? There probably won't be any live music since the wedding will be small). But we will consider changing the date if you would come to the wedding.

So please let me know if you might come and if the sefirah thing is a problem ASAP, as next week when we get back to (city) we are going to start looking at venues and trying to book a place so we need to know when to schedule it.

I know you don't agree with my decisions and are probably sad that I didn't turn out to be religious, but I love you, and I would love for you to be at our wedding, despite all our past difference. I know you will probably be facing a lot of pressure from mom and from your religious views to not come to the wedding, but I am still your daughter, and I hope that you will be able to find it in yourself to be happy for me, and possibly join us. Even though I am sad that I have to disappoint you and (especially it seems) mom, I love B very much, I feel very strongly that I want to be married to him, and I am very excited and happy about our decision to get married.

Hope all is well otherwise. I will find out the genetic testing results on August 11th at my follow-up appointment, and will let you know how that turns out.

Abandoning Eden

I also sent an email to my youngest brother, the one who was a douche to me about religious stuff a few weeks back, saying that even if my parents don't come, I hope he will come, and then some of the same stuff I sent to my dad (about sefirah, kosher food, etc). My other brother (the middle one, who is not religious) has already told me he is coming to the wedding.

Since officially setting a date, even though we STILL haven't told his parents (we are telling them tonight at dinner when his sister will be here), we have been looking at wedding stuff online and talking about what we do and do not want to do at the wedding. B (who loves to write) wants to write the ceremony and our vows and stuff (with my input of course) so that we can have a non-religious ceremony that reflects the stuff we want to have, instead of some generic standard thing. Friends of mine have been really awesome, and have been sending me lots of info on non-traditional wedding planning stuff. I've been checking out blogs and am thinking of ordering some books on planning non-conventional weddings. Also, I have been realizing just how many awesome friends I have who I can get to do stuff for the wedding (paid of course, but I would much rather have friends running my wedding than strangers). For instance, I have a photographer friend, a seamstress friend (if we decide to get custom made clothes for any reason), a friend who can do the ceremony, and of course (even though we haven't asked her yet) we want to buy our invitations from quiet girl, who designs awesome cards.


  1. 1)The link was awesome. We're totally reshaping the paradigm in our own image. Rock.
    2) I would love to make your invites! Thanks :)

  2. One thing - be careful about using friends as wedding vendors. If there's a business disagreement, it could ruin a friendship.

    BTW, if you use my suggestion of the backyard wedding that I mentioned in commenting on the earlier post, your folks, if they come, don't have to feel as awkward as they would if they were in a nonkosher restaurant.

  3. dys- we live in the city, and no one we know has any sort of backyard. Most people we are friends with live in apartment buildings. We live in a row house that was converted to apartments (we have the first floor- the backyard is concrete and about 10 feet by 10 feet.

    We were also thinking of just having like wine and cheese and appetizers IN our apartment afterwards, but his mom is super allergic to cats, and we have 3, so she wouldn't be able to come.

  4. ae, I'm glad you invited them. As it will not be a religious ceremony, attending does not mean that anyone orthodox is acknowledging/condoning your marriage on a religious level, so it shouldn't (at least logically, not that emotions or religion are necessarily logical) be a theoretical issue (I realize emotions are what they are with people, etc.).

    On my mom's side, only an aunt and uncle of mine keep shabbos. Another aunt of mine wanted the family to get together on a Saturday for my birthday, this year. I said no (the ss aunt is not the most agreeable/ stable person in the world all the time [not that anyone isn't human]) and requested that we get together at my grandmother's (which has a kosher kitchen).

    This way, if she wanted to not come, it wouldn't be for lack of being able to due to religious obligations or lack of kashrut at my other aunt's house.

    I may not be on the cover of modern o magazine, but I try to afford people the opportunity to participate and feel welcome. If they're not into it, that's their choice. My other aunt doesn't quite get that. Hopefully one day she'll figure out why that sort of thing matters (ymmv).

    An open door is all that one can ask for; to not offer the same would be, um, not displaying a willingness to be accommodating in a manner that seems to be desired.

  5. I seem to be in agreement with many of s(b.)'s comments.

    I've always wondered about atheist weddings. What wedding vows would there be (would you be willing to post them?) and would there be any officiating and if so, by whom?

  6. jewish skeptic- our good friend offered to become ordained to be the officiant at the wedding. We will be writing our own vows (well, B is in charge of that and apparently has a secret file of ideas already that I can't see until they are more finalized) and i'll post them here I'm sure when they are more finalized.

  7. Hi, I'm completely addicted to your blog and just wanted to offer some advice regarding wedding stuff.
    I haven't read ahead to see what decisions you have made (I've been reading the blog in order from 2007 working my way towards present
    I had one of our best friends get ordained online and he was our officiant. However, instead of going to city hall just to get a license we also got married there, just to be on the safe side, in case years from now they decide the ordained online thing is bullshit. This way you are covered from a legal perspective but you still have the beauty of exchanging vows and having a wonderful ceremony. Plus takes the pressure off, you are already married!
    Wish you all the best, and can't wait to catch up with the rest of the blog.


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