Well now that a few days have passed, I'm less angry. Right now I'm working on two options of a reply to my dad's letter on sunday. I want to make two points with this letter 1. that I hope he will reconsider and come to my wedding anyways, and that if he ever decides to meet up with B and let him into his life then we can reconcile and 2. if he decides not to let B in to his life, then I won't be coming to visit anymore.
Letter 1( short and to the point):
I am sorry, and I love you, but if you cannot accept B into your life than you can no longer be a part of mine. I've changed the wedding to a Sunday in May so that if you'd like to attend, you can. Our doors will always be open to you if you change your mind.
Letter 2 (long and argumentative, which will probably result in him sending back a letter quibbling with small points):
Thank you for your response, I understand that it must have been difficult to write, but I appreciate the considerate tone of your message.
However, I don't think attending my wedding would be a 'meaningless gesture' at all. According to you, my wedding is not a real wedding anyway- so not attending it seems to me like more of 'meaningless gesture' in that you would be demonstrating your disapproval for something, but would not change the outcome. Attending on the other hand would be extremely meaningful to me, as it would demonstrate to me that even though you don't love or support my choices, you love and support *me* enough to attend my wedding despite your misgivings.
You say you hope our relationship will continue and grow in the future. I appreciate the sentiment, but on a practical level, I don't see how you expect that to happen. Do you expect me to continue to come to visit without my husband, knowing that my parents refuse to even meet him, let alone welcome him into their home? By not welcoming B into your home you are, in effect, not welcoming me.
Every time I talk to Mom, if I mention anything about B, she just talks over me and tries to pretend he doesn't exist. I don't know how I can have a meaningful relationship with anyone, let alone my parents, as long as I can't talk about a huge part of my life. Over the past few months my conversations with Mom have become increasingly more superficial, as the only thing I can talk about now is what's going on at school. Which in the end is just like a business relationship - we are as close as I am with my dissertation adviser. In fact, my dissertation adviser had me and B over for brunch once, so at this point I'm even closer with him than I am with my own parents.
Finally, we are planning on having kids in a few years after I'm established in a job. Do you expect me to allow them to go over to your house or have any kind of relationship with you, if you refuse to meet their father? According to jewish law, my children will be jewish no matter who I marry. However, by not letting B into your life, you are ensuring that the only grandparents they will have a relationship with will be their catholic grandparents.
We have decided that even though you do not want to come to the wedding at this time, we will be rescheduling it so that it will be on a Sunday, after lag ba'omer (in May). I hope that you will reconsider your decision about attending before that time, and if you decide to attend we will welcome you. If you ever wish to meet B our home will always be open to you. Unfortunately until that time I will not be able to come home to visit anymore. As such, I have made plans to spend thanksgiving in Chicago with B's family.
Lastly, I know it won't change your mind, but here is an interesting article about intermarriage
So tell me internets: which letter would you send? And feel free to critique either one.
Letter 3, suggested by a friend, in which I do not make clear that they are no longer welcome into my life
"It wouldn't be a meaningless gesture, it would mean a great deal to me, I love you both very much. I respect your desire not to attend, but we've rescheduled to Sunday just in case you change your mind."