Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I am SUCH a girl!

The last time I was engaged, and we broke it off, I swear I would never go through the bullshit involved in planning a wedding again.

I mean, this is how it went down; when I got engaged last time, my parents were all like "We will give you $20,000 to plan your wedding" (Which I think is fairly modest by well-to-do jewish people with 100 relatives). "You can plan the wedding, and then whatever money you have left over you can keep."

Well now this led to many fights between me and my ex, who wanted to keep all the money and have no ceremony. His parents weren't donating any money to our wedding cause they were poor, and he had very few relatives coming to the wedding anyways. I was young and naive and thought there was no way to have a cheaper wedding, especially given my 100 relatives, and the fact that we had to get kosher food- and any half-decent kosher caterer is pretty expensive.

And then of course my parents were lying about the me planning the wedding part, cause my mom immediately took that part over. And then vetoed all my decisions about what I wanted to do. For instance, I really wanted the band soul farm, a jewish jam band, to be the band. That was the most important thing to me- to have good jam band music. My parents vetoed that idea in favor of some generic crappy jewish wedding band. I wanted the ceremony to be held outside; my parents vetoed that in favor of a fancy hotel.

The whole experience was pretty unpleasant, and then when after going through all that my ex fiance dumped me.

So when me and B started talking about marriage, I was all "CITY HALL!!! Elopement!!" City hall in my city is pretty cool looking, and apparently they have a cool room where they preform marriages by the justice of the peace. The only thing with that is that they only hold weddings on Tuesday afternoons, and they only hold them between like 3 and 5pm. But whatever. Up until yesterday I didn't care.

But then yesterday we went out bowling after dinner (where I lost 3/4 games and only won the first one by 4 points after a fluke strike in the last frame), and we were talking about when we should tell his parents that we are getting married. And we decided to tell his parents on Thursday, when his sister will come home for the weekend, so that we can tell them all at once. And we semi-decided on a date, sometime late next April.

And then BAM, it's like an alien took over my body. Suddenly I started thinking about locations we could have it other than city hall, and who should be on the guest list, and how we can have the wedding at some fancy garden-like place outdoors (maybe in the big city park) and then all go to a restaurant. And whether or not I should teach in the spring semester, so I can have time to plan the wedding. And if I should invite my officemate or not (who would be totally insulted if she wasn't invited, and considers me one of her closest friends, but honestly, I don't really consider her a close friend- If she wasn't in my office, I doubt we would even be friends at all. Also she frequently annoys the crap out of me). And if I should wear a big white dress instead of the white indian-style kurta pajamas we had been talking about. And if I should get my brother to give me away, since my dad probably won't be there, or if we should just skip that part. And if I should send invitations to my parents/people in my extended family, or just assume they won't be coming.

Here's where I want to hold the ceremony (although I have to discuss it further with B). It costs $800 for a 2 hour ceremony, and you can't have a reception there. And it can't accommodate more than 35 guests. I think we can have our 15 guest wedding there and then all go out to a restaurant or something.

Ok meanwhile, what the hell has happened to me? When did I suddenly become this girly girl! It's like years of socialization have taken over my brain. I think the plan to tell B's parents have suddenly made this whole thing a lot more real to me.

And of course beneath that all is this uneasy feeling of what my parents will do when they find out we have firm plans to get married, and how my extended family will react when they find out i've married someone not jewish. (ie, disown me). Me and B talked yesterday about if we should have the wedding on a friday/saturday, which would be more convenient for his family but would totally exclude mine, or if we should have it sunday, so that we can invite people in my family who probably won't come anyway. We decided on sunday..if we have it on a friday or saturday, then my parents can't possibly come at all, and that's my fault. But if it's on a sunday and they choose not to come, then I did my best to include them, and they are the ones who made the choice not to go.

And then I get this uneasy feeling about...well what If I plan this whole wedding (and plan it myself this time!) and then we end up breaking up? And I have to tell all my friends about ANOTHER broken engagement? I don't think we will break up, but I didn't think my ex-fiance would dump me out of the blue either. I told my brother we are setting a date for the wedding and he was like 'ok...' and then when i asked why the hesitation, he was all "well I'm wary of wedding plans because of past experiences". Like I wanted that engagement to end? Gah. Why must my past misfortunes taint my current happiness?


  1. Do you hear yourself? You have barely decided to get married and you are freaking OUT about the wedding.
    Listen to your heart. Perhaps it would be best for you and B to go off somewhere alone, look into each other's eyes and say the words you want to say to each other.
    Calm, peaceful, loving.
    I think that weddings are all about culture and have very little to do with love.
    Whatever you decide to do, remember that it's about you and B and your love for each other.
    Really, that's it. All that other stuff is just....stuff.

  2. I know i'm freaking out! last night mid-freak out I took a step back and was like "wow brett, I am freaking out about wedding planning stuff right now!" and we laughed about how crazy I am. :)

    I do want to get married in front of the people we love. I like the idea of vowing to be together in front of close friends and family in a beautiful place, like publically declaring your love and all...

    we decided to get married about 2 months ago, but the freak out didn't hit until now for some reason :)

  3. > It's like years of socialization have taken over my brain.

    It might be your nature talking, not your nurture.

    > what If I plan this whole wedding (and plan it myself this time!) and then we end up breaking up?

    Don't sweat it. Your last situation was a little messed up and it sounds like the guy wasn't really ready (my ex, who wanted to keep all the money). B. sounds like a totally cool guy who you are (clearly) madly in love with. Sounds like everything about about you two is just right. I think you'll do fine.

  4. I agree with Ms Moon and lubab.
    Good luck with the wedding planning, however you decide to do it.

    Oh, and the garden place looks really nice!

  5. Wow! Congrats!

    That garden looks SO beautiful.

  6. Mazal Tov!

    The garden looks beautiful, but since you've indicated in the past that you're strapped for cash, how about a friend's backyard and some potluck food?

    I agree with LNM. B sounds like much more of a stand-up guy, and your real soulmate, rather than your ex.


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