Sunday, June 15, 2008

Obese opera singing dude

This is part 1 of my summer series entitled "crazy dudes I have gone on dates with"

Obese opera singing dude (or OOSD) was the first of many things. He was my first "grown-up" date. My first date post-engagement break up. My first internet date. And most decidedly, my first bad date.

See, I met the ex-fiance (or XF) when I was 17, and by a week later we were "boyfriend and girlfriend" (ahh, remember those days?). Although we broke up once or twice, and I hung out with other guys during those break ups (and also had other boyfriends before the xf), I never went on what I considered a "real" and "grown up" date until this date with OOSD when I was 21.

Real grown up dates were (to me) kinda a combination of dates I had seen on TV and the way my parents talked about dating. Basically, in my head it goes like this: a guy you barely knew would ask you out sometime, he would pick you up and you would go some place (food? movie?) he would drop you off at home, there may or may not be a good night kiss, and then the next day he would call you to see if you wanted to go out a second time.

My date with obese opera singer dude actually went quite a bit like that.

Why the internet dating? In real life, dear readers, I tend to be fairly reticent when it comes to talking to strange people. Put me in a party full of strangers and I will walk around aimlessly for the duration just so I look like I"m occupied and/or I will cling to the one person I know. Or, more likely, not show up to the party at all. I'm not what one would call an 'extrovert.' Although, put me in a crowd full of friends and I will talk your ear off. So who knows. Maybe I'm not so much an introvert as a misanthrope. But I definitely suck at the small talk.

But put me in an internet crowd full of strangers, and I will be the most e-popular person on the block. I can talk (write?) your ears (eyes?) right off.

So internet dating seems fairly built for me. Once we're in a one on one situation, I am charming and's just initiating those real life conversations that can be tricky. Also, at the time, I was trying to date jews, and there just weren't that many jews at my college. Also, later on, I was going to grad school, and the only people I was meeting were people in my grad program. What I'm trying to say here is that the majority of dates I went on when I was single came from the internets. And I am not ashamed!!

Back to the story of obese opera singing dude. I had just broken up with my ex fiance. Well, not JUST. We had broken up in like early november, and then sometime in late december I was like "hmm, my ex seems to have moved on to date his future wife, maybe I should go on dates!" And then my friend told me about jdate.

Which brings me to Obese opera singing dude. OOSD was my first jdate. He did not look obese in his jdate picture. He looked quite average in fact. But he had gained approximately 200 pounds between the time that picture was taken and the time of our meeting.

Now listen, I have nothing against fat people. In fact some might consider me fat, if not at least a bit chubby. I think some fat guys can be pretty good looking, and I actually prefer bigger dudes to those skinny wirey ones who are all boney. But this obese opera singing dude..he was repulsively obese. Like multiple chins obese. I am not particularly picky when it comes to a dude's looks, as long as he doesn't repulse me.

They say that going on dates will help you learn something about yourself, like what kind of guys you don't want to be with. Well, this date taught me that I can't date guys who physically repulse me. It's just not going to work out.

Also, he sang opera.

In front of my dorm.

See, we went out for thai food, and I was quite charming if I say so myself. Even though I was repulsed by him physically, I tried to think of it as practice for a date in which I actually was not repulsed by the dude. But the dude..well not only was he physically repulsive, he was mind-numbingly boring.

But then he walked me back to my dorm. And then he asked if I wanted to sit on a bench outside my dorm.

Picture me, chain smoking almost half a pack of cigarettes, so that hopefully this guy would be repulsed by my smoking habits and not try to kiss me. And so that the cigarette would be there in my mouth to burn him in case he did try. And him..well the poor guy kept trying to hold my hand, and I kept pulling it away under the guise of lighting another cigarette.

And then..he told me how he sings opera. And how he had even performed in a choir once or twice! And then...he started to sing. Loudly. Right outside the main entrance to my dorm, where several people I knew were hanging out with their cigarettes (this was NYC after all), and others walking in and out of the building. And this obese, opera singing dude was singing opera. To me.

Being my first 'real' date, I hadn't yet mastered the art of politely ending a bad date. But after that display, I came up with something and excused myself. He went in for the kiss in a rare moment of non-chain-smokage, and I deflected it to the cheek.

The next day he called and I didn't pick up. Twice. He didn't call again. That's the first and last time I've blown someone off by not picking up their call. Now that I'm writing this I actually feel kind of bad for the dude. But seriously OOSD: don't sing opera at the top of your lungs outside a girl's dorm. Also, I appreciate that if you put up a picture of your actual obese self you would never get any jdates, but try not to put up one that is 200 pounds worth of lies, so it won't be such a shock.


  1. Haha, this is hilarious. I remember my first blind date. Let's just say I was naive enough not to ask her weight before the date.

    I think the secret to good dating is to cast a wide net. Which is hard to do on JDate (which is also way too expensive).

  2. Don't blame you at all. if people had no attraction based on looks we would fall in love frogs. He could have either put his picture as he looks which is the whole point of the pictures or alternatively he could gone on a diet in preparation for dating.

  3. internet dating leaves the field wide open to misrepresentation. most of the women i know who are on the jewish sites have old pictures up from when they were 10 years younger. (ok i will fess up, i had a pic up there from when i was 18, but i had been in a magazine and it was such a great shot and i look like that still...i do i do.....if you squint)

    i think that even tho he you were physically repulsed by him at least you got serenaded - never happened to me.

  4. yeah well...I'm not the type to like being serenaded. It's so cheesey! And it was embarrassing, especially cause a bunch of my friends were right there and I was TOTALLY not into him. Serenading is for like a 4th date, when you already know a girl is into you. Also, for indoors.

  5. Maybe the opera thing was kind of to get you to overlook the weight thing. Like, I gotta be fat, it's my job?

  6. well, you know what they say, the date aint over till the fat dude sings. I guess he took that to heart

  7. What if he had serenaded you outside your window by holding up a boom box high above his head playing "In Your eyes" by Peter Gabriel?


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